Monday, December 29, 2008

Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run. Theres no hurry anymore, when all is said and done

Evening gentle readers. Its the wee hours of the morning again. This seems to be my key time to write about the days or weeks events. The end of 2008 is approaching in a few short days and the vast unknown of 2009 is right around the corner. Who knows what the next year will bring.

I had the opportunity to see Milk in theaters this past weekend. I had high hopes for the movie and was beyond pleased. I felt such a profound connection with the story and the characters. There is so much that we all owe to our bothers and sisters who fought for the rights that we take advantage of. The stonewall riots and the riots throughout the mid to late 70`s in San Fransisco have paved the way for all of us to have more or less the same rights as hetero couples. People like Harvey Milk, kept the right wing religious factions from turning us into second class citizens with amendments like Prop 6 (sponsored by
John Briggs, a conservative state legislator from Orange County, the failed initiative would have banned gays and lesbians, and possibly anyone who supported gay rights, from working in California's public schools. The Briggs Initiative was the first failure in a conservative movement that started with the successful campaign headed by Anita Bryant and her organization Save Our Children in Dade County, Florida to repeal a local gay rights ordinance.) Queer brothers and sisters of the 70`s fought will bloody fists to inform and educate the American population about the atrocities that the queer population had to endure. Using his "come out, come out, wherever you are" slogan he asks queers around the world to come out of the closet and let those that loved them know that they were gay and proud. This is turn allowed people across America the realization that these laws directly affected those near to them. I watched the scenes of riots and mobilization and wish I could have been a part of that movement. To have been able to see and make a difference for those who will come after me. I wish I could have felt that energy.

I leave you with a news clip of the reports following Harvey Milk`s assassination and the vigil that followed. If that doesn't make you stand up for what you believe in, nothing will.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Somewhere in her smiles she knows, that I dont need no other lover

Evening gentle readers. It is 3am and I find myself drawn to writing in the darkness of my room on this cold winter night. The room is dark other then the light from my computer and the gentle hum of The Beatles sings to me.
I`m feeling a little controversial this early morning. It is a subject I have had in mind and ranted about on more then one occasion. As a very open, gay women in a predominantly hetero workplace sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Its easy to be caught up in the attention that one receives from straight women and at the same time it can loose you. I cannot count the times I have been called the perfect man/boyfriend/partner if only I were male. I don't really think I can be flattered by these compliments any more then I would be happy being the runner up in an election. Why are gay woman the secondary cast and never the stunning lead? We are the safe alternative, the ones who can be flirted with because we are safe and in no way a threat. Its safe because things wont go too far and you cant or wont be called easy for flirting with another women. Its almost as if its a game, to prove that they are indeed have the ability to attract men and also women. It makes me feel used and dirty to realize that this goes on. It makes me feel objectified... and lonely.
The year 2008 is almost at a close. I`ve finished the year a few steps ahead of where I was last time around. I`ve got a few new questions and a few new headaches. I just want to keep moving upwards and I promise I`ll keep writing. I hope you`ll come along for the ride.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving what I've done

Evening gentle readers. I find myself more and more drawn to writing but at the same time feeling more and more tired which in turn makes me less likely to write. (confusing I know) Its been none the less busy for the last week. And owing to the fact that christmas is a week away, it does not seem all to likely that it will calm down any time soon.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Fear Is What You Pay For Adventure

Evening ladies and gents. Its another night here in the fist bowl. I have been M.I.A for the last week or so and I apologize for the absence. I`m rounding the final turn of my 26th year of existence and the big day has me feeling a little unsure. The last year has certainly been the roller coaster ride of my life.

First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.

Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.

And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.

I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Trans Day of Rememberance

Well, its been a rough few days here. My kidneys have decided to kick me in the face again, and I am faced with another load of antibiotics. I`ve gotten used to this torment but seem to forget how crappy it can be when I`m not well. But who needs to hear about my kidneys.

Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.

I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!

I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?

In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?

On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

united states of whatever

I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

cheap and chearful

Afternoon from the fish bowl. I had a whole blog post written in my head yesterday but once I arrived home I didn’t have the energy or drive to write anything. So I did what all good lazy people do, I watched Buffy until the wee hours of the morning. But I digress. So this is the post that should have been brought to life yesterday, sit back and enjoy.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

going through the motions...

It was the best of times… all the best lines are already taken. Evening from the fish bowl. It is a beyond quiet night here and I`m loosing my mind from boredom and frankly all I want is to be on vacation.
I`m looking forward to a 4 day work week followed by 11 wonderful days on vacation. I`m also looking forward to being able to relax and not think of work or any stresses. And I am secretly happy to have my partner in crime, my AMN, back tomorrow to make work a little more exciting.
What to discuss that isn`t in the fish bowl? Something queer perhaps? Something different and new?
I`ve been posting a small bit on a forum I`ve been a part of for 5 years now and they have been asking some interesting questions that I would like to address here.
Someone had written a post about "cuddle buddies," as opposed to "Fuck buddies." This actually got me thinking. How much is physical affection (between either friends or lovers) important to you. I am a very affectionate person. I say with pride that I`m bringing hugs back to RBC. When I enter work I stop at about 4 or 5 friends desks to give them a hello hug (or goodbye hug if they are leaving.) Now I don’t go around hugging everyone I work with, just a special few. But I do "high five," "fist punch" etc several people. I think affection among friends is important. When you are having a horrible day and are feeling low, just a simple hug will make anyone feel better. In a job like this where you can be verbally attacked and mentally drained at any point, the slight idea that someone both understands you and is willing to take the time to share a little affection, this goes a long way. I like the fact that there are other people here who feel the same way as I do. Affection is an important part of bonding and it states a close friendship and trust between individuals. A hug is comfort and consoling, its warm and reassurance. I like that I can have this when I need a boost during the day.
Outside the fish bowl, I`m the same way. I still hug and show affection without really thinking about other peoples reactions. (Limited PDA though, I draw that line.) When I`m watching a movie from the couch, I`m a big fan of cuddling and being affectionate, that’s just me.
So what about you? Are you a cuddler?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

If my heart could beat it would break my chest

Evening from the fish bowl. Its an average night here at RBC and I can`t help but feel grumpy as all hell today. I slept horribly last night and wouldn`t have slept at all if I hadn`t given up and taken gravol. The short version is that I`m a bitch today.
I am feeling really lonely of late. Since I am newly on a schedule of 3:15 to 11:15 and I miss the sunlight. I am so used to looking out of the fish bowl and seeing the sun as opposed to seeing the night sky. As well I now work Sunday to Thursday so I loose the joys of full weekends off. So with the new schedule I don`t seems to see anyone anymore. Its too late to talk to anyone and the only interaction I seem to have is with the cats.
I just generally feel shitty today...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Video of the Week

My new favorite queer couples in a fab tribute:

sleep now

Hugs and puppies

Another day in the fish bowl. My vacation is slowly approaching and I really can`t wait. 7 days and nights relaxing on the white sands of Varadero. But sadly for now I have to continue dreaming of the beach.
It was an amazing day yesterday here at work. I generally enjoy work but when I work with a certain coworker I tend to have a blast. For future reference she will be known as Awesome Miss "N" or "AMN" for short. I have known AMN for a few months now as we both worked on a training bay together. Obviously we were both pretty focused on the training of the "littlins" and I never got a chance to get to know the true power of her awesomeness. Fast forward a few month, and Miss "N" is a manager with me. Other then a few "hey hows it going`s" neither of us had really spoken since that training bay, but none the less I was excited to be working with her a little more closely (minds out of the gutter people, she`s straight as an arrow.) To my amazement she turned out to be as much a pervert as myself (double points for her!) and to be as sex obsessed as yours truly (10 big gold stars to her for that!) After a week of training, and a week back on the much loved phones (my poor neglected cell phone…) she and I have built a pretty intense connection and she is easily my favorite person here. Last nights shift was the first shift that we both worked at the same time and I had so much fun. Its not often I connect with people the way I seem to with AMN. I really think I have or could have a deep friendship with her. I like that she is so accepting and easy going. This all seems to have come out of no where, but I certainly will not complain. She is fun, easy to talk to, makes me laugh and seems to know when I need a hug. I feel like I`ve known her all my life. (I know that`s corny deal with it, this king can get sappy once and a while!) I like the awkward little moments we have when we both get nervous over something one of us has said, its both funny and endearing when this happens. The gist of the whole post is to say that AMN is one amazing person (hence the name!) and I look forward to getting to spend more time with her. (as long as my cats don’t kill her!)

P.S (added at almost 2am) most importantly, she makes me smile, smile like very few people can ever make me smile or feel... and I appreciate that...

Peace out until next time!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

below the mason dixon line...

Greeting from the fish bowl. It’s a quiet night as a manager here at the bank and I`m in the mood to blog. I`ve had many themes running through my head to blog about but sadly I have found very little time to get anything on paper. So I suggest that you sit back, relax and enjoy my madness.

I was in the gay village a week or so ago and I found myself thinking about my first time there. I remember hearing that there was such a thing as a "gay village" in the city. I was a naive 20 year old sitting across the only other gay person I knew in the Wendy`s lunch room. I remember working up the courage to walk down the street. I remember being unsure what to expect. I also remember thinking that there was very few women present. It was a weird experience, being there. I didn`t know where I should go or what I should do. All I ended up doing was walk up and down the 4 or 5 blocks that the village consists of and finally I entered a video store because it seemed like a safe alternative. Over the last 6 years my views on the village have changed. I used to love being in the village. I would only go out there and it was my favorite place to each and relax. I never missed a pride parade and until this year I marched with whatever group I was involved with. Now I feel tired of the village. Its overdone and boring. I walk down the street and really see the people who are there. Its become a circus that I don`t want to be a participate in. It has gotten old and it feels like a part of my life I no longer need.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bunnies, it must be bunnies

Morning gentler readers. I`m trying to keep myself awake so that I sleep in tomorrow and in turn survive my shift until 3am. So here I sit, caught up in an atrocity. My arch nemesis, Katy Perry of fake lesbian fame, will be a doll by Christmas.
Frankly, its bad enough seeing and hearing her all over the TV and radio (yes people actually listen to the radio,) now children can collect a 12 inch version of her and they too can toy with bisexuality and/or lesbianism. My issue with Katy Perry is far from hidden. She promotes negative stereotypes for both gay and straight women. Her songs are everywhere with their catchy refrains that anyone will find themselves humming. Her lyrics are camouflaged in plain sight, you don't even know they`re singing something offensive.
I`m going to leave it at that for tonight, but tune in tomorrow for my take on Katy Perry part 2.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I was saying boo erns

Early morning from the fish bowl. I`m feeling a little out of sorts tonight. I got a promotion that I am happy about but didnt get the promotion I was really wanting. I`ll be making an insane amount of money but not working the best scheule ever. You cant have it all right?
I poped over to Madame X`s moms obituary to see that her bride to be has left a message which is obviously because I left a message. I`m just feeling angry and I dont know why. Someone kick me!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Live as if you`ll die tomorrow, Love as if you`ll never die

Greetings from the fish bowl gentle viewers. Its the early A.M here and I`m feeling in the mood to blog . Personally I have no idea what the idea of the post will be, I just feel like talking. I don`t feel like being angry, I don`t feel like yelling or throwing things... I just feel like me.
I am 5 weeks away from my vacation and saying I can`t wait would be the understatement of a lifetime. I`m saving all my cash, and if things go the way I hope, *My L* and I will be in the Dominican the whole first week of November. The last time I was on vacation was to celebrate leaving fast food and the beginning of my career at RBC. I wonder whether I`ll be celebrating a new position at work this time as well? I am looking forward to the sun, sand and a week away with *My L*. Nothing in the world is better then time with her.
I am feeling a bit tired these last few days. Last week I had strep throat and I personally don't feel like I`ve actually recovered. Its just been busy at work for 6 weeks and I am feeling the heat. I don't get any down time during my day and I feel like I have a ton of work to do (which I know I do.) I have so much I want to get done with my team, and it feels like I cant get anywhere. We`re either to busy to do anything or do tired to care. I`ve resorted to every trick I have, from camp, from Wendy's (but not from BK... thank god.) Tomorrow I`m gonna get up early and try and be at work at 11. I am going to instill the "appreciation board," from the good old days of camp massawippi. I want so badly for this team to do well. We are 7 people when other teams are 20, yet we are third place in our results. Things keep going this way, I`ll be on burn out. If I don't get the coach job I don't know what else I could possibly do...
I wonder how you are all doing tonight? I wonder who you are. I actually know a few of you and maybe some of you I don't. Its weird that there are people out there who know so much about me and I don't know you. How did you come across my little fish bowl?
Drop me a time sometime...

peace out!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

WTF Mate

I know, so soon. This post is mostly out of anger and rage. Not anger at what I`ve done or *l* even. If you know me well enough, you know of my ex... "Madame X." I spent a nice chunk of 2 years and another one"ish" living with Madame X. Since I moved out I have only seen her 1 time, and that alone was a reminder of the evils and absurdities that Madame X wields. After we parted ways she started dating a girl online (who lives in Australia - of all the gold forsaken places) and despite having only had her visit the one time, will be marrying her in a month. Now, as you can imagine, this brings a plentifully mix of emotions. I feel relieved that she continues to be someone Else's problem. I feel betrayal, due to the fact that I do not feel she ever loved me, as this relationship is a carbon copy of the one I had with her, the difference being, I spent enough time with her to know she belonged in the loonie bin. And of course, despite not ever wanting her back, its always a stab to find out your ex is getting married, especially an ex you left.
Anyway, Madame X told me that her mother had cancer and had six months to live (a fact she publically announced on facebook.) I received an email Saturday that her mother had passed. Of course I sent my condolences to the family because I would never wish this pain on anyone. I have lost a pseudo parent and have stood by * L* when she lost her dad. I went to her facebook page today to see her status read, "Still planning the wedding, even if I`m half orphaned." Now, how can I put it nicely as to not sound like a bitch... WHAT THE FUCK?!?! My biggest problem with her was her constant "suicide" attempts when we would fight. (I`d like to thank her for helping me develop relationship wise. I am good at the yelling -also known as communicating- and at the need for distance -also under communicating- but when it comes to problem resolution all I remember is sobbing and butter knives... thanks Madame X) She is obsessed with attention and the need to have the world know her business.
I saw her mother`s online obituary and where it says who she left behind it has Madame X`s name with the miserable-wife-to-be`s name in brackets. This made me jaw hit the keyboard and me lay an egg. May I reiterate the triumphant point that they, Madame X and our dearly departed Aussie, have only met once, for less then 2 weeks. I really dont`t care about Madame X, I feel bad for this poor chica, who will have spent thousands to come to our beautiful country... FOR A PSYCHO!!!! I know Madame X has not helped out the Kangaroo financially because she is a money vampire. So she`ll be broke, homeless and marries to Attila the Hun. Wow, do I feel bad for her.
I`m sorry she lost her mother. I feel for her brother and her step father. I would feel for her, and I did for a short time, until I realized that for her this is nothing more then an attention grabber. This sickens me and makes me think even less of her then I already did.
I appreciate your patience this evening gentle readers. I would also like so say to those "gentle readers" who I never knew I had, a hello from the fish bowl. Please comment if you like. I`d love to hear what you think. Please done by shy.

Peace out!!

i can be a nightmare of the greatest kind....

Evening gentle viewers. After 3 days of fever and delirium I seems to be finally beating my strep throat. You may all give a sigh of relief that I am well and no longer contagious. I have been forced to take 2 days off work, and since I did not leave my couch, I have much wisdom to share. Things have have learned, things that are not new to me, some of which I found on youtube. Sit back and enjoy: (tune in soon for my real posts)

An open letter to my love: If I could say it better I would...

something mushy and sweet

Julie Goldman and Kate Mckinnon... pure genius

Cats will one day rule the world

What i learn... (by the way half the clips of riots were taped in quebec)

cutest cat ever (sorry spike and xander)

okay, I`ll be good... my brains will return by tomorrow. I promise...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Boy meets universe

Evening all,
I`ve been obsessed with a show I used to watch called "Boy Meets World." It used to by part of the TGIF (thank god its Friday) line up on ABC. I watched it as a teenager and forgot how much is missed it. Thankfully, youtubers have posted pretty much every episode ever made. In looking at my life of late I`ve felt more drawn to certain story lines. And in turn have felt the need to post a few of my fav clips here in blog heaven.
My favorite story line in the whole series. It was a two parter, the main couple (cory and topanga) were together on and off for the whole series. In this episode, Topanga`s parents had mover her away to Pittsburgh. Cory, is heart broken without topanga and is torn because she hasn't called or written him. The episode gets good around the 7 min mark and continues into the next link. (this one is great until min 5:00)

and one of the funniest clips ever (and you`ll call me Don fransico?).. priceless (no tushie, no brushie)

and I leave you with the Feeny call. Eric used it all throughout the show... awesome

night all

Monday, September 1, 2008

you can keep your hat on

Evening gentle viewers from the fist bowl. Its overtime here at the bank and I would give my right arm to be anywhere but here. Its been an odd weekend and I feel like road kill. I did somethings what I am less then proud of.
Saturday night I was in Quebec city and I made the mistake of drinking too much. It all got out of hand so quickly. I wasnt even drinking long, an hour maybe. It was my stupidity, I was tired and hadnt eaten much. The only thing that I did good was that I told a new friend that I need to go home (my hotel.) (On a side note, its odd how people you just met can be better friends to you then people who have been in your life a while.) I was really sick, stupidly sick in fact. I know bad things could have happened to me. I was aware of that from the point when things started spinning. That's when I sought out Edith (who now has the award for best person ever) who took very good care of me.
Its hard to deal with. *My L* got really upset and I don't blame her, but I am upset as well with her. I would have been worried about her too if our places have been exchanged. But on the other hand, if she really looked at me and told me she realized it was a mistake, one mistake that I have no plans to ever repeat and flat out that she realized the grave error, I would have forgiven her at the drop of a hat. But sadly, this isn't the way things turned out. Its hard because I feel like I am the reason for all of our problems. I don't know where to go now. I have no plan of ever drinking like that again, actually right now I don't plan on ever drinking again. I just wish I could not fuck up. I try really hard but the minute I let my guard drop I do something stupid. I don't know what I can possibly say to convince her that I am reliable. I just feel like a fuck up all the time. I don't deserve her...

Monday, August 25, 2008

Quebec take deux

A quick note to state to you all that Billy King will be performing in Quebec City for their pride. I`ll be doing 3 brand new numbers (have to see it to believe it!) Check in next week for all the details.

Billy King

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

trust is a dish best served cold

well its been a big week. Pride had come and gone. Friday night we all got our gay on drinking well into the morning. Its been a long time since I have drank that much and just chilled out during pride time. Sunday, of course, was the parade and I have to say, I`ve seen better. Literally, since there was 15 people piled in front of us. But afterwords we drank and partied, frankly what more do you need.
Today was my one year anniversary out of Wendy's. It seems like so much has happened. I survived BK hell. Went to Cuba si and now work in a awesome job where people only hell at me 2 or 3 time a day. So frankly I see it as a success.
So what did you do for pride? What did you think of Celebration LGBTA? Why does buttered toast always fall butter side down?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


I had a long walk tonight that gave me the option to think. To think about life and the people in it. It was a time for some self reflection and examination. Do you want to know what my most prominent thought was....

how much I could totally getting eaten by zombies... wtf?

Happy Pride

Evening from the fish bowl. Another invigorating day at the office has almost come to an end. Almost "hump" day, frankly my most pitifully day. I can't help but look forward to the end of the week and the hope of a sunny weekend.

Divers/Cite has just begun and I am feeling mixed emotions. Up until this year I have been the queen of pride and all the celebrations included in that. I march, I sing, honestly I couldn`t get more gay around pride time. This year though, not so much. I think divers/cite is a waste of time and couldn`t really be bothered. I`m not even marching this year as I have decided to take the high road and drink till I can`t walk straight.

Pride this year, as with every year, marks my anniversary of coming out. August 3, 2008 will make my 6 years of being out and proud. I remember celebrating this day being a big deal for me. It was a re-affirmation of my sexuality! It meant taking back my rights and my freedom to be proud about who I was. To me, it was a change to be really "out" for a few days a year. I don`t feel like I need that anymore. I don`t think I could get more out in my every day life then I already am. My sexuality doesn`t rule me, I`m me, my sexuality doesn`t define who Cory is. Yes, I`m still proud of it, but screaming it down St-Catherine street isn`t necessary anymore.

So here's my question so any of you reading this: Do you celebrate your coming out? Do people even come out anymore? Let me know.

Monday, July 28, 2008

mercy me

I`ve tried to write this last blog entry a few times now. Its been busy and things have been on the up and down. I feel like I have so much to say that nothing wants to come out. I think that has something to do with my migraines. My head is so full that I cant seem to think and the pressure is almost nauseating. Sunday I hurt so much my eyes watered and couldn't take the light. I feel more and more stressed to the point where I feel like I`m falling into a hole. I have been feeling overwhelmed. (you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just me whelmed?)
I feel out of control and out of my mind and there isn't much I seem to be able to do. I don't feel like I am fitting anywhere and I feel more alone then I have ever felt. I`m feeling more lonely then I have ever felt. The worst part is I don't really want people around other then a select few. I`m always tired and cant remember the last time I slept well.
Fuck I feel like a piece of crap! I'm sorry people. You should disregard this whole message. I`m giving you all a get out of jail free card, go on take it. I`ll be better next time, I promise...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Stone Butch Blues

It is another slow day within the walls of visa. Its Canada Day and I`m working in a nearly empty call center. I spent the evening in the village with some 3 friends, one love and lots of beer. I walked up and down the now closed streets before dinner and generally people watched until it was time for dinner. The village has so many faces and so many styles. I used to go to the viallge and see people who dont look at all like me. I used to feel like I was the only butch, the only masculine lesbian in the city. Slowly I`m seeing peeople who are butches, who could easily be misidentified as a man.
It all made me think of stone butch blues. It made me think about Jess and the old bulls. It made me think about what makes an old bull? Or a butch, baby dyke or clone? Anyone who knows me, knows I love to make fun of the clones and the cougars.

I have personally defined clones as those 18 to 24 year old girls who wear billabong, element and quicksilver exclusively. They can also be defined by the matching belt, shoes and hat (either baseball or toque depending on the weather.)
Cougars are far more scary but not all that stealthy in their poodle shirts. They are easily spotted as they always travel in pairs. They stalk their pray without much grace and wear mismatch clothing, with little regard for style.
I don`t know if I really know any old bulls. Most of the older dyke's I meet are cougars and frankly I don't stick around too long around them. I wish there were older dyke's we can look up to. I miss seeing a dyke in a suit or wearing a Fedora. I want to see "the nod" when I walk down the street and know that someone else has walked this road. I want to feel like i`m a part of something bigger then little old me. I love being a dyke and a king, I wouldn't trade that for the world...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Vive les DragKIng libre

Afternoon all. I`m newly back from Quebec city and in a very major need of more sleep. Quebec city was amazing despite having a difficult time with the stage crew and generally every employee was there to see us fail. It was a very a difficult one but we pulled it off. Sunday was a great day of site seeing in semi warm weather. Its nice to be home but I miss having the car and being away from all the city stresses.
Life is always special and I`m feeling good and happy right now. If only I could get my ass to the gym I`d be happier. I`ve spent 2 weeks training the newest training bay here at work (I`ve named them my littleins) and I loved every minute. They are a fun bunch of kids and it felt good to be making a difference.
Things feel good... watch out world.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Lesbros Forever

Its another fun day in the life of a visa customer service agent. Its been a busy few weeks since we last ranted. I got my king on a week ago and Billy King came out of retirement. It was a crazy weekend and I got my first taste of both performing and being the master of ceremonies. It was an amazing experience and I loved every minute of it. I performed Pierre Lalondes version of Caroline and finally got to break Creep out of the box. It was one of the hardest numbers I have ever performed. It shook the center of me and I felt as if I was going to break in half. I don't remember any of it, and was unbelievably shaken when I left the stage. Everything is a blank from the time the music started until I was standing on the platform behind the curtain, faced with Nat. I couldn't move, I didn't even know what to say.
That night has changed things. I haven't worn a real suit to work and I`ve kind of been distancing myself from Billy. I had to write "his" bio for the website and I could barely find the words. Its weird... I cant figure out whether Billy has become so much a part of me that I don't see where he ends or whether I have become someone very different, leaving Billy behind. My suits were just work clothes for so long that now wearing them almost feels like performing. Work is an escape for me, I don't need to perform there.
But that is for another day... I bid you a good night gentle readers. Sleep well, be safe, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I leave you with a link to Billy's Bio:

"Fear is what you pay for adventure"

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Kappa Kappa Eat My Pie

This is an open letter the universe:

Dearest Universe,
You fucking suck! I originally wanted to call you a big stupid head but thought the latter was a stronger way to get your attention. Now, back to you sucking. You make me believe everything is okay. You wait until I`m happy and I don`t see you coming. You wait until I expect that my life is changing and that for once I`m coming out the winner. Then you sit back, grab an ice cold beer, and make me suffer. And it amuses you. In fact, it amuses your friends and family that you invite over to watch me in pain. First you gave her doubts, which made her distant. Then you made her cheat but I fucked you over cause I forgave her. Then you convinced her to break up with me but kept the love there so I couldn't live without her. And last but not least you took her away so I would love her more then anything but not have her to touch or kiss. Thanks a lot fucktard! Its appreciated. What more would you like. I`m alone, miserable and seriously in need of hitting something. Every little joy I have concerning her, you take away. You won`t be happy until I hate her and am totally alone. Then you`ll let me think I have some self worth, slowly so I don`t get too cocky, maybe give her back to me and start the waiting game all over again.
So here`s what I am going to do. I`m not giving up on her. I`m going to fight. I`m not throwing in the towel and I`m going to get her back. So fucking you, you bastard. This is war and I`m going to win. You couldn't`t possibly do more to me then you already have. Bring it on!



p.s kiss my ass

Monday, April 14, 2008

When I was a boy...

I`m taking advantage of a slow day here at visa to bring you our regularly scheduled programing of boi fun. I know you all love me, face it, I`m irresistible.
So I am sitting here, well dressed, because when I feel like crap I dress well. So seeing me in a suit and tie is indicative of me not sleeping well or having had a a fight with *My Love.* Now you know a little bit more about my weird twisted self, now you`ll sleep better.
I feel like shit. But I dont feel the need to rant to you today. (please stop cheering.) I dont know really what to say today. I don't feel like doing anything, let alone selling cards and services to people who just want their balance. I`m a customer service agent. I`m here to smile and help. And as fate would have it I have no desire to help.
So if you see me walking down the street, give me a hug or a pat on the back. I dont get either of them and wouldn't mind the appreciation.
Peace out!


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

American Idol sucks...

Its a quiet Wednesday night and I have nothing to do but subject myself to American idol. Nothing seems right anymore. The apartment is empty, nothing smells, tastes or feels right to me. I don't care about the dishes or even remotely making this place livable. All I do is live in a haze and try and make it to the next day where I can work and forget everything out of my 8x10 box. I don't want to come home. I don't want to eat. She is all I think about, she is my everything and I wont feel whole again until she is back in my arms again. I miss you baby...

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Well arent we a dumbass

Tonight is my first night in my own apartment. I cant bring myself to go to sleep yet. Its quiet and lonely here and I`m not quite sure what to do with myself. Its cold and dark and I feel lost. I have my cats here, equally confused by the situation.
I don't know what to do anymore. I`m torn and confused and frankly just want a drink. I just want to hide under a rock. Oddly enough I wish someone would just take care of me right now. Wrap themselves around me and for those few minutes let me believe that life was ok...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt... then its hilarious

Afternoon gentle readers. I intended to rant today and spent days formulating an angry post about this weekends events. Now sitting here in my newly cleaned kitchen, being stalked by angry and confused kitties, I do not seem to have the heart for hatred.
*My Love* is in the living room packing her things. Which, despite the fact that I know this move will be good for her, is difficult. I did not act myself Friday when first faced with her apartment. In fact I was downright mean. I know that I wouldn't like any place she chose to live and lashed out at her over this. Of course this lead to a full day of fighting and treating one another like shit. We were both mean and said things that took a mountain of apologizing to work out afterwords.
I spent Saturday helping her paint, knowing that if I didn't help then she would be alone to deal, which is not my style. I did my best and behaved knowing that one more outburst would seal our fate forever. And knowing that this is the last weekend we have together made me realize what I could loose if I acted immaturely.
Again, sitting here, watching the boxes pile up does not make me a much happier person. In fact I am regretting finishing off the beer yesterday. I know next weekend will be even harder and am not in any place, both physically or mentally, to face it. I am definitely worried about where I am going to go. I know my dark side (or "all Emo" lol) and I am kinda freaked out. I don't want to act the way I have in the past. My biggest enemy is feeling like I have no control. That is the key to my life: control. There are every few situations where I let myself lose control or even give that control away to anyone. I have to have a lot of trust in someone to do that.
I just don't know where to go anymore. I feel like I cant be happy because everytime I step back and say, "wow things are awesome," BANG! A lightening bolt crashes down from the heavens and I get knocked back down a few pegs. Needless to say, I don't like that so much. Let me rephrase that, it fucking sucks! Damn I need a drink.
I am truly sorry for you, my gentle readers, having to sit through this insanity. And let me assure you that I will eventually see a therapist instead of dumping all my craziness on you poor saps... I mean Friends. :) Things will have to look up soon because I don't have the money to drink myself silly on a nightly basis and if I do have that option I will be too drunk to type anyway. See its looking up for you...

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I`m a creep, I`m a looser

Ever listen to a song and think, "wow they wrote this about me?!?" well thats how I feel. I`m feeling like shit this weekend. I thought I was okay with letting life just happen but it seems the minute I take my hands of the controls, life slams me into a brick wall instead of taking a right turn. My weekend started out so promising. And so easily it went up in flames. I just wanted to forget the world right now. I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and forgetting everything else. I find myself falling on old habits of dealing with life and I dont think my body, especially my liver, is very hapy about it.
Life is spinning and I dont seem dont seem to be able to hold on. Change is scary and I dont know if I`m ready for it.

*But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here*

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

its been a long time

Well gentle readers its been a long time. And I bet you are thinking, "who the hell is this guy?" Life has been crazy. After 6 years in fast food hell I finally left. Despite my unhappiness in fast food I went kicking and screaming. Now I work for RBC in there visa call center. Calm down now, I dont call when you dont pay. I am the poor sap you yell at when you dont understand interest. So, here I am, 5 weeks into my training and actually loving every minute of it.

Life is what you make of it. I`ve decided that my life has been too planned and the best things that have happened have hit me like a mack truck. Its all in what you send out to the universe. I have had some amazing things pop out of not expecting anything. The people you meet, the experiences you have are that much more intense when you dont see it coming.

As for gender, the jury is still out on that one. I have gotten to bring Billy out a few times and I realized I missed him. I missed putting him together piece by piece. The tie, the vest, the hat... all these pieces that make him Billy. I also get a kick out of how other people react to him. How the girls cream for him and the guys admire him. Thats the life.