Friday, February 20, 2009

I want to know, can you show me? I want to know about these strangers like me. Tell me more, please show me. Something's familiar 'bout these stranger

Afternoon and welcome to the none fish bowl, weekenders edition of "A Dyke in Kings Clothing." Normally I use useless work time to jot down my thoughts and rant my handsome king head off. Today I feel the need to do so, but not from my comfy padded chair withing my cubical (which in retrospect is not cube shaped) but from the noisy and people filled Eatons Center food court. Why you ask? I would love to say that it is due to the fact that at this moment I am enjoying "people watching" or that I am studying the sociological norms of eating in public places. Sadly, I am here because there is free Wifi. (Don't judge me please.)

On the note of the free Internet here at Le centre Eatons, I`m appalled to see that any site with the term "Lesbian, Bisexual or Gay" has been blocked from sites you can access. Please don't think I felt the need to sit in the middle of 200 people and surf for porn, I was simply trying to access my favorite site (A forum dedicated to queer entertainment news.) Frankly I this this is ridiculous. I understand the need to have some control over sites because this can be considered a "family" environment but honestly I feel like its police state here. I just feel like its far to excessive.

So, I am eternally grateful that this week is almost over. I don't know whether it is a culmination of weeks of no real weekend or maybe my hormones have taken over and I`m PMSing more then I have in years. I have been short tempered, plain old bitchy and moody and emotional all week. Frankly I`m exhausted at this point and am unbelievably happy that I can see the end of the tunnel. Hell I`m falling asleep as we speak. The stress and constant work has taken its toll on my health and sanity. For those I`ve been short or emotional with my apologies. I hope you all know that this isn't my normal state and I assure you, after this weekend I`ll be much better. I`m not a fan of asking for help under any circumstance and over the last 2 weeks have reached out on more then one occasion. So thank you to those whom I have turned to over the passed weeks and lets all collectively hope it doesn't have to happen again.

This lack of patience has transferred itself into my minimal ability to handle stares and remarks this last month. I can deal with being seen as either male or female but find it ridiculously difficult to be seen as a "what" or "it." Fucking get over it already! Call me "sir", call me "miss" I really don't care but decide already. Its is the looks of confusion or discussed that tick me off. I almost appreciate the improper pronoun cause at least you have pegged me as either fish or foul. I`m just fed up with being a thing as opposed to a person.

Okay, enough ranting. And besides my battery is running low and I am no where near a plug. Thanks for listening today. Here`s to a better tomorrow.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I`m a trainwreck waiting to happen, waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

Greetings from the fish bowl. I feel like writing tonight. I have very little distractions here at work today. AMN is at home with a nasty gastro and *L* is at work. My mother emailed me, as she always seems to do, to let me know that my aunt passed away. Sadly she slipped into a coma and passed but before she went she apparently told my Uncle that she wasn’t scared and that she loved him. I haven't lost too many people in my life but none the less I don’t really deal with it well. Its odd how people seem to "come back" right before they go. I`ve heard it happen and have personally experienced it when I was working as a nurse.

Anyway, needless to say I am not really in the best of moods today. Frankly all I want is to go home. I always seem to be here despite family emergencies. Whether someone is sick, dying or dead I`m a fucking here! I need a vacation!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

If I were a man I`d like to meet somebody like me

Evening gentle viewers. I`ve decided to leave tonight's blog installment in the hands of my other half Billy King. He`s going to be the one posting tonight. He`s been sitting behind the scenes so long that he has asked to finally get to speak his mind tonight. So without further ad0. I present, the one, the only, Mr. Billy King.

Greetings from the ever wondrous and often uneventful fish bowl. I have had the option of having my better half write my thoughts and feelings here but I kind of want a chance to speak my mind. As a male identified individual (in a butches body) I have a distinct view on life, having seen it from both sides. When I was first in the forefront of "cory`s" popularity it was amazing. I felt like I was on a constant high. It was easy to flirt and the attention was intoxicating. I honesty couldn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started to encounter a "none queer" reaction to my appearance. When women crossed the street for fear of crossing paths with me I realized just how different the sexes are. Men take up space and not in a positive way. They demand that you make them your sole and only focus. I didn't like being that kind of person. I didn't like the fact that in acting that way I was ignoring and hurting those around me.

I`ve requested the help of a spectacular photographer friend to take photo`s of me for a new website I am starting. I would like to have the option to put myself out there for consulting work. Who knows if someone will need a handsome King to show them the ropes of "man hood." I would also like to be able to put myself out there as a performer. I do not really perform that often but I would like to keep that door open for the future. No matter how much work it is, I still miss it very much. I was always a drama kid in high school and liked the cross between performing and gender play that Drag Kinging brought. I`ll fully admit, as I did earlier, that it is easy to get caught up in the "celebrity" aspect that came with it all. For me, now anyway, I miss the energy from the crowd. The high that came from being up there and showing off that attitude. Because after all, that's who I am, I`m the attitude, the spicy, that character that gets into your mind and stays there for days. I am the soft whisper in your ear on the dance floor. That's my appeal... I`m the forbidden. Throughout the years I`ve learned to balance this within the boundaries of "normal" social interactions. I`ve learned to have control and have restraint on my actions. But once and a while you`ll see me surface. Whether in the way I walk or a slight gesture or comment. That's when I`ll give my smirk and walk away...

And I feel on that note I`ll sign off. As always I wish you all a safe and sane night. And to those reading... I tip my fedora to you, until next time. ;)

***Added after original posting*** I have just had to spend the better part of the last 15 mins explaining to very hetero coworders that a women can rape another women. Which then lead to me explaining the fact that women get pleasure from sleeping with other women. I honeltly feel like I am babysitting people at times.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dont waste your time on me you`re already the voice inside my head

Evening gentle viewers. It is Tuesday of a lovely 4 day work week and I am happily counting down the days until another weekend is upon us.

Life changes quite frequently. Daily we are faced with new challenges or situations that change and form us into new people. Every situation divides us onto a new path. Every choice is a new deviation sending us onto a brand new path. Its makes me wonder about all the alternate realities we create on a daily basis. Where would any of those paths take us? What makes us choose one thing over another? Why do we choose harder situations over the easy ones? Personally I seem to, whether I realize it or not, to choose the harder path in life. Personally I feel that having made this choice/these decisions has made me a stronger person. I`ve dealt with things that I would wish on anyone. There are things my younger self never thought would be an issue in my older years. I never thought using a public bathroom would cause as much anxiety and confusion. I never thought existing would cause so much discomfort to others. On the other hand, I have encountered some of the most understanding and supportive people. People who make me feel like I am allowed to be me, whatever that entails. People who correct complete strangers for using the improper pronouns and who understand when I break down or put my wall up. Those people I appreciate more then life itself. These are the people that make me feel okay with being me. Thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i`m a hustler baby

Greetings from the fish bowl. It’s the end of my week, with a beautiful 3 days weekend ahead of me. I`m tired and crampy with no real desire to be here, so I do what I do best when faced with boredom… I write.

And on that topic, I`ve decided to write about… blogging. I have had a few people provide feedback about the craziness that I call blogging. It seems that some of you actually enjoy my verbal madness. I remember starting this blog 2 years ago when I was having a very difficult time in my life. The love of my life was in the process of moving out and I was in the process of a complete gender upheaval. At the time, I felt so lost and had no idea where to turn. So I worked through it all. Publishing some of the hardest things I have ever been able to admit. I faced a side of me I didn’t understand and frightened me. At the time I had to wear a very strict uniform and had absolutely no option to express my masculine side other then kinging. Kinging honestly made it worse sometimes because it became a temporary solution for a permanent issue. Once I left the horrid world of fast food I found that, in being able to express myself outwardly in my wardrobe, I started to find the balance between my masculine and feminine sides. Just the fact that I could outwardly portray this very important side of me made "existing" so much better. It made me feel like I could be me no matter what I wore.

Anyway, its time for sleep and this boi is tired. Thanks all for today folks. Be good and be safe.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

For the life of me, I cannot remember, What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise

Evening gentle viewers. It`s your pal Billy King straight from the fish bowl. Its “Monday” for me and needless to say, I don’t feel too happy about it. I`m feeling slightly overwhelmed by the a mix of full time work and 6 hours of school. I just feel like I don't get a break. Next weekend is my relaxing, spa weekend. (can you hear how excited I am!)

Since I have been in sociology mode for the last few weeks I`ve been looking at life from that side of things. I`ve been thinking of societies influence on who we are. Durkheim says that people actions are completely influenced by the external forces that is “society.” If you really think about it, he has a very valid point. For example, in western society, dating or marrying someone under the age of 18 is illegal. But in many countries this is a normal, socially acceptable practice. Even if you completely act in a way opposite society, you are none the less doing so due to societies influence, you are simply going against what society states is “right.” I`ve thought about my actions and choices in life. What would my life be like if I was living in a different era, decade or even century? Would I still have the ability or strength to fight society? Would I be able to feel more along then I do now and still fight against stereotypes? If I was in the times of stone butch… what would I have done? I don`t know if I would have had the same strength. I would like to say that I would but there is no way for me to really know how much strength I would have….

(now continued, home from the fish bowl) I feel like this year has flown by. Its been an insane. I survived my first year at RBC and this Wednesday I`ll find out if I win the award for Elite banker. This is my second nomination and despite the fact that I doubt I`ll win, I`m happy none the less to be nominated, but god would I love to bring home that trophy.

Anyway gentle viewers, its getting late. I promise a more interesting post soon.