Sunday, December 20, 2009

We`re two lost souls living in a fish bowl year after year

I spent the better part of the evening speaking with an amazing man who just so happens to be the partner of my departed friend Michele. It was amazing to share stories about her and find out things I never knew about her. I heard how they met and about the events around their dating. I shared things that happened in our day to day life at work and how important she was to me. She lived without regret. She lived everyday to the fullest and made so many people laugh. She was my kindred soul at work and the only other person who refused to conform. She was my light and my sense of direction in the face of insanity. She made everything light up around her and changed the life of everyone she knew. I miss her everyday. I think about her on the bus or at home. I still cant touch the DVD she gave back to me a few days before she died. In my mind she touched it and I cant loose that. God I miss her. She changed me forever...

On ne choisi pas toujours la route,
Ni même le moment du départ;
On n'efface pas toujours le doute,
La vieille peur d'être en retard...
Et la vie est si fragile.

On ne choisi jamais de vieillir,
On voudrait rêver un peu plus.
La vie n'est pas faite pour mourir,
On meurt souvent bien entendu...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

On atteint pas toujours le but
Qu'on s'était fixé autrefois.
On ne reçoit pas souvent son dû,
La justice choisi où elle va...
Et la vie est si fragile

On est seulement ce que l'on peut,
On est rarement ce que l'on croît!
Aussitôt on se pense un dieu,
Aussitôt on reçoît une croix...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Le temps est là,
Toujours là,
Seule justice ici-bas,
On est si fragile...

On marche sur l'or ou sur l'argile,
Dépend de ce qu'on a reçu.
On reste tout aussi fragile,
Pourquoi donc se marcher dessus?
Car la vie, car la vie...

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Your friendship means a lot to me, if we were on a sinking ship and there was only 1 life jacket. i would really fuckin miss you

Evening gentle viewers. I`m here in the fish bowl feeling the need to write you all. Its been a while since I have sat here and written. I am patiently waiting to go get my drink on with colleagues.
I`m feeling a little out of sorts this evening. The Misses and I had a little tete a tete and I am unsure of her head space tonight. I don't want to loose her and I`m afraid she may drift away. Not because I am an ass of because I fucked up. Simply because my job is demanding and that my schedule is shit and I cant be around enough. So you can understand that this makes me stressed and feeling extremely helpless. Its frustrating because we just came off our vacation where we were on an incredible high and now I feel like things are uncertain. With everything we have gone through I don't know what else life can throw at us.
I`m feeling like ass. With a week to go to my birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas, I`m not so sure I`m looking forward to the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more madness.

Monday, November 30, 2009

how long have I been in this storm/so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form/water's getting harder to tread/with these waves crashing over my head

Afternoon gentle viewers. Its been a few weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit here with you all. I managed to service my vacation and the subsequent week that followed. The cruise was truly amazing. Despite some sea sickness the trip was a once in a lifetime experience. The "getting" to Tampa was some of the roughest traveling I have every done. I thought I was going to loose my mind even before our trip began. I woke up in a panic and thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was pacing the apartment, I ate easily 4 ginger gravol and popped 2 regular gravol before we were even able to leave the house. I thought I was going to loose it completely. I did everything that my therapist had helped me with. I had water to center me, made sure to breathe and paced to help calm my head. I was given no choice but to get over it and get in a cab to the airport. I was excited and in the vacation mode so I managed to shake the anxiety until Atlanta where I began to freak out again. Thankfully I managed on to my better half managed to get me on a plane and within an hour and a half we had landed in Tampa ahead of schedule. The flights were all early without any turbulence, I highly recommend traveling with Delta airlines!
Despite a small hiccup with anxiety before leaving for the boat the day was smooth sailing. We arrived at the pier, sent our luggage onto the ship with a porter, bought some wine and juice and within a half hour we were stepping onto the Carnival Legend! We enjoyed 7 beautiful days on the boat, with trips where were did cave tubing, swam with sting rays and visited 2 of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen. The service was amazing and we were treated like royalty daily.
I appreciate the support I received and am happy to see you all enjoying my insanity. Thank you for being there. 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I don't know what I've done/Or if I like what I've begun/But something told me to run/And honey you know me it's all or none

Evening gentle views. I popped by the blog and was pleasantly surprised to see that a record 3 people are now following this little world I have created. I would like to thank all 3 of you amazing people for reading my insanity week after week. I`ll be expecting your therapy bills in the mail soon.

I am sluggishly reaching my vacation and honestly I don't think I could be looking forward to it more. I need to be away from the world for a bit... despite the fact that I will constantly be thinking about the pile of work that awaits me and how many hundreds of emails I can look forward to upon my return. I am concerned as well about how my team will fair without me there to scare them with the wrath of god or whatever deity they worship. I know I need to let go, but this really is the first time I have left my team in the hands of anyone and I`m really the only one I can trust.

Speaking of trust (amazing segway thank you very much.) I have spent a few waking hours considering how much I trust people and how little I really let them. I divulged to a colleague today that I wrestled with anxiety and she was surprised that I was ever even unsure of myself. People really don't realize how afraid I am all the time. That's a huge part to why I feel anxious often, the fact that I am in "battle mode" 24/7. I feel like I spend most of my time ready for some unforeseen attack that doesn't always come but I feel I need to be ready for. I think its part of the road I am on. People who look like I do will never have an easy life. I know that no one around me really has any idea what it is like to be as different as I feel (and am) everyday. I told a few colleagues that I prayed that I never had a kid like me. I wouldn't want to let anyone else endure my life. Its hard enough to survive most days. I know people think I am strong and tough but there really isn't much left of me at the end of the day. Most days I just crash, exhausted from the day...

I think I will leave things here. I`ll leave you with an amazing clip someone shared with me. I think it fits with the theme of the night:

Good night gentler readers. May the wind always be at your back and the sun always shining on you.

"I'm writing myself down, I`m sketching directions, so that I may be found or followed"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping/While my guitar gently weeps/I look at you all/Still my guitar gently weeps

Evening Gentle Viewers. It has been a little while since I have sat here and emptied my heart out to you all. It has most certainly been a trying time since we last spoke and I cannot possibly wait to be away from work in a few days.

Life has new meaning for me. I have come to the realization that there is a very fine line between what is and what might have been. Could one simple change to your routine bring disaster to you or those around you? Or could not choosing to deviate from your daily routine bring you that much closer to ruin. What does it take to turn your make you realize the fragility (if that's even a word) of our own existence? Almost 2 months ago a very close friend and colleague of mine was out walker her dog when a car going only 10 kilometers an how hit her. 2 days later she was dead and we were all left shocked and confused as to how this all happened. Was it fate that took her away from us? Was it simply a case of wrong place, wrong time? Or was it simply her time to go? I cannot answer that question and it infuriates me! Most of all it scares me. It makes life feel like it could crumble in my hands... I just miss her and think life is a cruel and harsh place.

What else can I say ladies and gentleman (more ladies - thanks to those that read my madness!!!) I was at a dinner part surrounded by queer women and the debate over Rosie O`Donnell came up. A friend had strong feelings about Rosie choosing to come out much later after leaving television unlike our supreme leader Ellen, who did it front and center in front of millions. From there things somehow spiraled into gay bashing (both verbal and physical.) The room became quickly divided between those who genuinely feared for their life and those who really never thought about it. I, obviously, fell into the ladder category. This just made it even more apparent that my life and interactions are very different from the norm and most people, even queers like me, don`t have any idea what being under attack daily is like. Which makes me feel alone but at least content that if they don`t understand then maybe its happening less.

On another queer but much happier note: T.V has a new queer power couple. I am absolutely in love with Grey`s Anatomy`s Arizona Robins and Callie Torres. I know I was a huge fan of Callie and Erica last year, but good god to I love these two. Despite limited physical affection I still do a happy dance every time they are on screen together.
Here, see for yourself:
I love... love.

So ladies I think its time to check out for the night. Thank you for reading. Good night from the fish bowl.

Monday, August 17, 2009


Morning gentle readers. It has been an amazing weekend in the city. Pride has come and gone and I have to admit, I am left a little sad. This was one of the best pride`s I have ever had. The weekend was filled with good friends and adventures. (not to mention a nasty sun burn) We had the opportunity to experience not only gay pride but the italian festival as well.
Community day was entertaining. This is the first time in 3 years that I have had the opportunity to see the community groups. At times I found it a bit pushy as women with booths would jump on any women that walked by (in a predominately male environment.) I got some really cool flyers so it was great.
Parade day was a blast, despite bad shoes and 32 degree weather. I personally found the parade much more cultural this year as opposed to over run by huge floats. 
It was a great week and I loved it! 

Monday, July 20, 2009

Something always brings me back to you, never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here until the moment I`m gone

Afternoon my gentle and probably scarce readers. I know it has been months since I have graced your screen. I promise you, the rumors of my death were greatly exagerated. I am truly alive and well despite the rumors. My life continues to take turns that even I do not see coming. I will try and keep the details short and oh so sweet.
I still work within the hallowed walls of RBC but am now a team manager running my own disputes team. I have a hefty raise to go with the amazing new role and a work load that makes me head spin. I truly and honestly love my job despite being a little overwhelmed some days.
My love life is going quite well. I don`t want to get ahead of myself when I say that I have "my love" back in my life with all the passion and companionship I will ever need. She makes everything is life feel like it is better just because I have her in it. 
I feel complete and safe now. Its an amazing feeling...
The world around us all continues to turn. Celebrities dying, war raging, recession threatening... things change but always stay the same. I finally moved from the frat house I lived in before, into a lovely new place right near public transit. 
I know this first one back is short but I have work to do... How have you been gentle readers?

Friday, February 20, 2009

I want to know, can you show me? I want to know about these strangers like me. Tell me more, please show me. Something's familiar 'bout these stranger

Afternoon and welcome to the none fish bowl, weekenders edition of "A Dyke in Kings Clothing." Normally I use useless work time to jot down my thoughts and rant my handsome king head off. Today I feel the need to do so, but not from my comfy padded chair withing my cubical (which in retrospect is not cube shaped) but from the noisy and people filled Eatons Center food court. Why you ask? I would love to say that it is due to the fact that at this moment I am enjoying "people watching" or that I am studying the sociological norms of eating in public places. Sadly, I am here because there is free Wifi. (Don't judge me please.)

On the note of the free Internet here at Le centre Eatons, I`m appalled to see that any site with the term "Lesbian, Bisexual or Gay" has been blocked from sites you can access. Please don't think I felt the need to sit in the middle of 200 people and surf for porn, I was simply trying to access my favorite site (A forum dedicated to queer entertainment news.) Frankly I this this is ridiculous. I understand the need to have some control over sites because this can be considered a "family" environment but honestly I feel like its police state here. I just feel like its far to excessive.

So, I am eternally grateful that this week is almost over. I don't know whether it is a culmination of weeks of no real weekend or maybe my hormones have taken over and I`m PMSing more then I have in years. I have been short tempered, plain old bitchy and moody and emotional all week. Frankly I`m exhausted at this point and am unbelievably happy that I can see the end of the tunnel. Hell I`m falling asleep as we speak. The stress and constant work has taken its toll on my health and sanity. For those I`ve been short or emotional with my apologies. I hope you all know that this isn't my normal state and I assure you, after this weekend I`ll be much better. I`m not a fan of asking for help under any circumstance and over the last 2 weeks have reached out on more then one occasion. So thank you to those whom I have turned to over the passed weeks and lets all collectively hope it doesn't have to happen again.

This lack of patience has transferred itself into my minimal ability to handle stares and remarks this last month. I can deal with being seen as either male or female but find it ridiculously difficult to be seen as a "what" or "it." Fucking get over it already! Call me "sir", call me "miss" I really don't care but decide already. Its is the looks of confusion or discussed that tick me off. I almost appreciate the improper pronoun cause at least you have pegged me as either fish or foul. I`m just fed up with being a thing as opposed to a person.

Okay, enough ranting. And besides my battery is running low and I am no where near a plug. Thanks for listening today. Here`s to a better tomorrow.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I`m a trainwreck waiting to happen, waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

Greetings from the fish bowl. I feel like writing tonight. I have very little distractions here at work today. AMN is at home with a nasty gastro and *L* is at work. My mother emailed me, as she always seems to do, to let me know that my aunt passed away. Sadly she slipped into a coma and passed but before she went she apparently told my Uncle that she wasn’t scared and that she loved him. I haven't lost too many people in my life but none the less I don’t really deal with it well. Its odd how people seem to "come back" right before they go. I`ve heard it happen and have personally experienced it when I was working as a nurse.

Anyway, needless to say I am not really in the best of moods today. Frankly all I want is to go home. I always seem to be here despite family emergencies. Whether someone is sick, dying or dead I`m a fucking here! I need a vacation!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

If I were a man I`d like to meet somebody like me

Evening gentle viewers. I`ve decided to leave tonight's blog installment in the hands of my other half Billy King. He`s going to be the one posting tonight. He`s been sitting behind the scenes so long that he has asked to finally get to speak his mind tonight. So without further ad0. I present, the one, the only, Mr. Billy King.

Greetings from the ever wondrous and often uneventful fish bowl. I have had the option of having my better half write my thoughts and feelings here but I kind of want a chance to speak my mind. As a male identified individual (in a butches body) I have a distinct view on life, having seen it from both sides. When I was first in the forefront of "cory`s" popularity it was amazing. I felt like I was on a constant high. It was easy to flirt and the attention was intoxicating. I honesty couldn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started to encounter a "none queer" reaction to my appearance. When women crossed the street for fear of crossing paths with me I realized just how different the sexes are. Men take up space and not in a positive way. They demand that you make them your sole and only focus. I didn't like being that kind of person. I didn't like the fact that in acting that way I was ignoring and hurting those around me.

I`ve requested the help of a spectacular photographer friend to take photo`s of me for a new website I am starting. I would like to have the option to put myself out there for consulting work. Who knows if someone will need a handsome King to show them the ropes of "man hood." I would also like to be able to put myself out there as a performer. I do not really perform that often but I would like to keep that door open for the future. No matter how much work it is, I still miss it very much. I was always a drama kid in high school and liked the cross between performing and gender play that Drag Kinging brought. I`ll fully admit, as I did earlier, that it is easy to get caught up in the "celebrity" aspect that came with it all. For me, now anyway, I miss the energy from the crowd. The high that came from being up there and showing off that attitude. Because after all, that's who I am, I`m the attitude, the spicy, that character that gets into your mind and stays there for days. I am the soft whisper in your ear on the dance floor. That's my appeal... I`m the forbidden. Throughout the years I`ve learned to balance this within the boundaries of "normal" social interactions. I`ve learned to have control and have restraint on my actions. But once and a while you`ll see me surface. Whether in the way I walk or a slight gesture or comment. That's when I`ll give my smirk and walk away...

And I feel on that note I`ll sign off. As always I wish you all a safe and sane night. And to those reading... I tip my fedora to you, until next time. ;)

***Added after original posting*** I have just had to spend the better part of the last 15 mins explaining to very hetero coworders that a women can rape another women. Which then lead to me explaining the fact that women get pleasure from sleeping with other women. I honeltly feel like I am babysitting people at times.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dont waste your time on me you`re already the voice inside my head

Evening gentle viewers. It is Tuesday of a lovely 4 day work week and I am happily counting down the days until another weekend is upon us.

Life changes quite frequently. Daily we are faced with new challenges or situations that change and form us into new people. Every situation divides us onto a new path. Every choice is a new deviation sending us onto a brand new path. Its makes me wonder about all the alternate realities we create on a daily basis. Where would any of those paths take us? What makes us choose one thing over another? Why do we choose harder situations over the easy ones? Personally I seem to, whether I realize it or not, to choose the harder path in life. Personally I feel that having made this choice/these decisions has made me a stronger person. I`ve dealt with things that I would wish on anyone. There are things my younger self never thought would be an issue in my older years. I never thought using a public bathroom would cause as much anxiety and confusion. I never thought existing would cause so much discomfort to others. On the other hand, I have encountered some of the most understanding and supportive people. People who make me feel like I am allowed to be me, whatever that entails. People who correct complete strangers for using the improper pronouns and who understand when I break down or put my wall up. Those people I appreciate more then life itself. These are the people that make me feel okay with being me. Thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i`m a hustler baby

Greetings from the fish bowl. It’s the end of my week, with a beautiful 3 days weekend ahead of me. I`m tired and crampy with no real desire to be here, so I do what I do best when faced with boredom… I write.

And on that topic, I`ve decided to write about… blogging. I have had a few people provide feedback about the craziness that I call blogging. It seems that some of you actually enjoy my verbal madness. I remember starting this blog 2 years ago when I was having a very difficult time in my life. The love of my life was in the process of moving out and I was in the process of a complete gender upheaval. At the time, I felt so lost and had no idea where to turn. So I worked through it all. Publishing some of the hardest things I have ever been able to admit. I faced a side of me I didn’t understand and frightened me. At the time I had to wear a very strict uniform and had absolutely no option to express my masculine side other then kinging. Kinging honestly made it worse sometimes because it became a temporary solution for a permanent issue. Once I left the horrid world of fast food I found that, in being able to express myself outwardly in my wardrobe, I started to find the balance between my masculine and feminine sides. Just the fact that I could outwardly portray this very important side of me made "existing" so much better. It made me feel like I could be me no matter what I wore.

Anyway, its time for sleep and this boi is tired. Thanks all for today folks. Be good and be safe.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

For the life of me, I cannot remember, What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise

Evening gentle viewers. It`s your pal Billy King straight from the fish bowl. Its “Monday” for me and needless to say, I don’t feel too happy about it. I`m feeling slightly overwhelmed by the a mix of full time work and 6 hours of school. I just feel like I don't get a break. Next weekend is my relaxing, spa weekend. (can you hear how excited I am!)

Since I have been in sociology mode for the last few weeks I`ve been looking at life from that side of things. I`ve been thinking of societies influence on who we are. Durkheim says that people actions are completely influenced by the external forces that is “society.” If you really think about it, he has a very valid point. For example, in western society, dating or marrying someone under the age of 18 is illegal. But in many countries this is a normal, socially acceptable practice. Even if you completely act in a way opposite society, you are none the less doing so due to societies influence, you are simply going against what society states is “right.” I`ve thought about my actions and choices in life. What would my life be like if I was living in a different era, decade or even century? Would I still have the ability or strength to fight society? Would I be able to feel more along then I do now and still fight against stereotypes? If I was in the times of stone butch… what would I have done? I don`t know if I would have had the same strength. I would like to say that I would but there is no way for me to really know how much strength I would have….

(now continued, home from the fish bowl) I feel like this year has flown by. Its been an insane. I survived my first year at RBC and this Wednesday I`ll find out if I win the award for Elite banker. This is my second nomination and despite the fact that I doubt I`ll win, I`m happy none the less to be nominated, but god would I love to bring home that trophy.

Anyway gentle viewers, its getting late. I promise a more interesting post soon.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

its very unhealthy it can make the sane go crazy

Good evening gentle readers. Its a dead night at the fish bowl and I feel like writing. Maybe its because I am moved to write after this last week or maybe its because its just us guys here at work tonight and throwing things and unplugging computers is beyond my enjoyment. So, as always, sit back, relax and get your feet wet.

Not so happy returns:
Obama will be sworn in this Tuesday. I`ve been on the Obama band wagon for much of his campaign and now I feel as though I am loosing hope for any change for my brothers and sisters in the states. Obama has asks controversial Californian Reverend Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. In case you don`t know who Rev.Warren is, he was one of the outspoken church members (during the prop 8 campaign) who equated homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. Personally, I don’t have a lot of faith behind his choice of representation. He stated that America should "come together despite disagreement's on some social issues." I guess he wants all amercians to come together and support him, despite the fact that they have minimal rights. So, what would he say if we told him, "take a seat at the back of the bus but hold that American flag high while you do it." I think Richard Burnett of the Montreal Hour said it best this week in his weekly column 3 dollar bill: "As for Obama, let me remind him that on Jan. 20 he is putting his hand on the Bible to uphold the U.S. Constitution, not putting his hand on the Constitution to uphold the Bible."

Greys is going, going gone:
Greys Anatomy has lots another character. Melissa George, who was originally intended on playing a bisexual character - which was soon dropped as quick as Brooke Smiths career, has ended an quick as it begun. Apparently the writers have changed the characters path so many times that the actress felt it was time to leave. CBS has run this once amazing and fresh show into the ground. I personally, gave it up when they killed the Callie/Erika story line earlier this season. (see prev blogs) This season has made me feel cheated in terms television and queer content. Here's to a better 2009.

Butch/Femme connection:
I have been putting a lot of thought into the way butch and femme women interact. Don`t get me wrong, you can love whomever you love, but there is no connection like that between a butch and a femme. It`s hard to think that anyone can understand you more then a femme. We`ve both been hurt, each in our own way but the none the less the same. We`ve both had to defend ourselves based on our looks. I`m not saying I could never love another butch, that’s the farthest from the truth, but a femme, sweet, sweet femmes, they know how to sooth a butches soul and help heal those wounds we rarely want to admit is there. Femmes know how to bring us back out again…

So that is all this evening. Its taken be 3 hours to jot all this down. I`m feeling a tad unbalanced this evening. All I really want is to crawl into bed with someone and wait out the storm. Frankly my bed is way too lonely...

I leave you with a copy of my new tattoo. Its for my grandma, who passed away almost 10 years ago.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I dont care what they say, I`m in love with you

Greetings from the fish bowl. Its been a few weeks since we've spoken, despite the fact that I have had many things worth writing about. This post may seem a little "all over the place" but assuming you have read anything I've written prior to this, you wont be surprised.

I spent some time at the hospital this past week. I had to run a few tests to make sure that my kidneys work the way all good kidneys do. Thankfully, they in fact do work perfectly and I was given a clean bill of health. The physical experience and treatment I received while at this hospital were deplorable. I generally avoid the east end of the city as much as possible. Its excessively French and much less open minded. While at the hospital I encountered several individuals that treated me rudely because of my gender ambiguity and identity. I really felt like I was living Stone Butch Blues. Even on my second visit I encountered a doctor, who on 3 occasions, (within a 5 minute span) called me sir, despite my constant corrections. I left there feeling violated, shamed and dirty, like I wasn’t "fish nor fowl." I live my life the way I want. I'm a drag king, a gender queer, a boi etc. I don’t need anyone to treat me like a freak of nature or even as a "what." This lovely experience lead me to a break down Friday night (aided by alcohol) that my poor *love* had to endure and talk me out off.

I started back to the gym, 4 to 5 days a week - 2 hours a pop. I will be going on vacation in November and have a goal weight loss of 50 pounds. If I can loose that then I will wear a bikini top on the cruise *my love* and I would like to take (or a trip to Mexico if a friend will be joining us.) I have spent my life heavy and have decided now that I am 27 and not getting any younger (not like I ever got younger) that this is the time to finally loose the weight I have been piling on over the years. I am faced with the situation that I will not take anything other then the weight loss. I will not accept failure.

I got my 4th tattoo this past Friday. It’s a nautical star with my grandmothers initials. My Grammy was my direction in life and the relative that I identify with most. Its healing and I seems to forget every time how annoying the healing process can be. I am happy that I waited until the beginning of 09 to do it. 2009 will be my year and I am happy that I started it off with a new marking.

Anyway, ladies and gentleman, back to the fish bowl. I hope the new year brings you everything you wish for. Be good and be safe.