Saturday, June 30, 2012

And I would be the one/To hold you down/Kiss you so hard/I'll take your breath away/And after I'd/wipe away the tears/Just close your eyes dear

Morning to you all. I write you sitting in a clinic on an early Saturday morning. Sitting here waiting I cannot help but feel anxieties. Yes, not feeling well is already an unpleasant experience. When I sit here I cannot but worry about every unkind experience I or anyone who falls under a "gender confusing" heading has had. It doesn't mean that today's experience will be bad, that I will have to defend myself or god forbid be mistreated. What causes the fear is the potential that something bad may happen. What makes matters worse in my opinion, is that I have it easy compared to other people I know. It makes me feel for my gender bender/trans brothers and sisters out there.

 Those of you who have never experienced any of these fears may think its odd that something as menial could strive fear into anyone's hearts. I genuinely wish it didn't. I have had to defend my gender on more than one occasion and have been treated like a second class citizen more than once. So when I find myself in pain and wanting to have someone qualified help make things better I find it difficult to trust medical professionals (other than my family doctor who I trust with my life but an appointment with her would take months.) It makes you paranoid at times. Makes you see things that may or may not be happening. Did she look at my funny or does he think they made a mistake on my medical/hospital card? It's a frustrating experience that leaves me anxious. 8 out of 10 times nothing happens. It's those 2 times that I fear. I am alone in these appointments and have no one to rely on when I am vulnerable. I am not one to need someone's defending until I find myself in this kind of situation. For lack of any better description, it's scary. Those 2 incidents will scar you, put you on the defense and make you wary in every other similar situation. It will make you doubt yourself as well as the humanity in others. It can make you put off seeking medical attention which can result in things becoming worse.

I flash to scenes from "stone butch blues" and the those unimaginable horrors that befell my comrades only 40 years ago. It makes me sick to know how people were treated but also proud far we have come.

This turned out to be one of the good experiences thankfully. Add one for the good guys today. It gives me a little faith hat things may change. It won't take away all my worries but it will quell my anxieties for one day. I guess that's all I can ask for.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

What if I wanted to fight/Beg for the rest of my life/What would you do?/You say you wanted more/What are you waiting for?/I'm not running from you

Why do we choose the path we do? What defines our choices and our actions? Where do we draw the line? When is enough really enough? What are you willing to sacrifice? Life can be take you on unexpected road. How will you make your choices?

I find life to be surprising. I feel like I dont know what to expect from one moment to another. I have given up any concept of planning because anything I think will happen often doesnt and what I never fathomed sometimes becomes a reality. How would you prepare for something unprepareable?

I have thought a lot about how different paths change our lives. Could any interaction however small, change the course of your life forever? I regret some choices and wish for others. I look back on why I didnt act on certain things when I had the chance. I also appreciate some of the roads I traveled down. They have made me the person I am today. Have you ever realized you could have had something and wished you had taken a different path? Where do you think it could have brought you. Would that place be better or worse than where you are now. I can't help but think of missed opportunities and connections over the years. I think of my friend who 3 years ago found herself in the way of a car and in one split second was taken from us all. What would it have took to deviate her life? What put her in that cars path?

I know I have asked alot of questions today, I hope it helps you reflect of life. All this to say, take in each moment. Things can throw you in an instant. Try new things, what you like may surprise you. Trust your gut and take a chance, you may like where it leads you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I've been living so long with my pictures of you/That I almost believe that the pictures are

Happy late night to you all. As always I hope that you are happy, safe and healthy. Due to the knowledge that there are peope out there who read my insanity who I also see on a daily basis I feel somewhat responsible to update more often. I will also take this opportunity to tell my very animated friend "B Bear" that she needs to get to blogging so that we can all have written proof of both her insanity and awesomeness. You knw you wanna! It's summer (and I use that term lightly since I have had to abandon my car for a life raft to get to work) and I am faced with very little queer television characters for entertainment. What's a suave dyke to do you might ask? Well gentle readers I have been sucked into the 50 shades of grey world that has taken hold of colleagues and friends alike. What is 50 shades you at ask. I answer that question with yet another question, how are you recovering from that coma you have been in for the last 6 months? These books are the most over exposed, over hyped, addictive piece of brain roat I have ever read and I can't put it down. It's like watching a train crash, you know it's going to end badly but you just can't look away. To make this worse is that it ks very hetero. If you are looking for anything gay don't pick up this book unless you plan on imagining Christian Grey and Christine Grey who probably looks very much like Bette from the L word. So what drags me in? It's sad to say but our main characters ingage in very tame kinky fuckery. No I don't consider their play to be intense, provocative or eye opening. I do however find myself hoping that Christan grows some balls and actually plays with Ana and in turn she is gagged and shuts he hell up. Yes at times it's easy to get caught up in the romantic kinkiness, however it's infuriating to watch the male lead become a pussy cat and loose any edge. My frustration with this story comes from the fact that it was originally published online as twilight AU fanfiction. (don't judge ok) And I can't escape the feeling of this being a rip off of someone elses equally horrible literary contribution. I am also faced with constantly picturing twilight characters in the throws of passion, something no human being should have to picture. There is also the angle that the author used fanfiction (which is 100% none profit) to build a fan base, then retract that body of work only to rename characters and sell it. I personally feel its pretty unfair to do something like that. And yet I, like so many people, can't put this infernal book down. Before picking the books up I was shocked that so many people were interested in a book that showcased kink. I wondered when kink became such a mainstream thing that housewives and teenagers alike found a kinship in this book. Once I started reading it the answer became abundantly clear, 50 shades of grey is "vanilla kink." It's the most minimal aspects of kink used make people feel part of a demographic they will probably never understand. It the poly/bdsm communities this book is nothing but a laugh. All this to say, I will finish reading this ridiculous book at some point, which I feel is most peoples feelings. Honestly, if you are reading it for the kink, save yourself the time. If you are some suppressed housewife then read on mama. If you are somewhere in between, you will either love it or hate it.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Is it still me that makes you sweat?/Am I who you think about in bed?/When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?

First let me start this blog by thanking all my readers as I have hit over 500 views. Its a milestone I never expected to hit. Second I want to thank a friend for her support and intelligent questions. For her protection she will forever be known as Fabulous J, I know you know who you are, thank you for being a breathe of fresh air!

Frustration: feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

Frustration is, well frustrating. Its like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Trapped between your heart and your mind. It truly is a shitty place to be. What makes that feeling worse is when its caused by someone, or worse someone you care about. It is so simple to confuse being loved and cared about with being used. When you truly want something it is easy to let yourself believe its real. You can tell yourself something a million times but that wont make it true. Nor will it make the impossible possible.

What dictates our choices. What drives us to take chances or live life carefully. What pushes us to jump off that ledge when we know its nothing but a free fall afterwards. I think life already contains a decent amount of risk so why not throw caution to the wind and live a little. Stop hiding behind fake beliefs that you use as excuses. Stop doing things because society tells you anything else is wrong. Stop doing whats safe, its boring and you will likely wake up one day filled with regrets.

I don't want to seem angry tonight with all of you amazing people. It just seems like I get the short end of the stick. I get the best mix of brush offs (If you were a guy I would so be into you... you would make a perfect boyfriend...) ladies I am going to make this abundantly clear: I AM NOT A MAN. Yes I look fine in a suit and I can tie my tie better then your husband, but shit or get off the pot, I am not to be teased. Haven't you ever heard the saying "don't poke the bear" well that goes for us awesome dykes as well.

Sorry for the rants tonight people. I am just in a rut. I leave you with the funniest thing I have seen in a while:

I can be your gayfriend: