Sunday, March 30, 2008

Well arent we a dumbass

Tonight is my first night in my own apartment. I cant bring myself to go to sleep yet. Its quiet and lonely here and I`m not quite sure what to do with myself. Its cold and dark and I feel lost. I have my cats here, equally confused by the situation.
I don't know what to do anymore. I`m torn and confused and frankly just want a drink. I just want to hide under a rock. Oddly enough I wish someone would just take care of me right now. Wrap themselves around me and for those few minutes let me believe that life was ok...

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt... then its hilarious

Afternoon gentle readers. I intended to rant today and spent days formulating an angry post about this weekends events. Now sitting here in my newly cleaned kitchen, being stalked by angry and confused kitties, I do not seem to have the heart for hatred.
*My Love* is in the living room packing her things. Which, despite the fact that I know this move will be good for her, is difficult. I did not act myself Friday when first faced with her apartment. In fact I was downright mean. I know that I wouldn't like any place she chose to live and lashed out at her over this. Of course this lead to a full day of fighting and treating one another like shit. We were both mean and said things that took a mountain of apologizing to work out afterwords.
I spent Saturday helping her paint, knowing that if I didn't help then she would be alone to deal, which is not my style. I did my best and behaved knowing that one more outburst would seal our fate forever. And knowing that this is the last weekend we have together made me realize what I could loose if I acted immaturely.
Again, sitting here, watching the boxes pile up does not make me a much happier person. In fact I am regretting finishing off the beer yesterday. I know next weekend will be even harder and am not in any place, both physically or mentally, to face it. I am definitely worried about where I am going to go. I know my dark side (or "all Emo" lol) and I am kinda freaked out. I don't want to act the way I have in the past. My biggest enemy is feeling like I have no control. That is the key to my life: control. There are every few situations where I let myself lose control or even give that control away to anyone. I have to have a lot of trust in someone to do that.
I just don't know where to go anymore. I feel like I cant be happy because everytime I step back and say, "wow things are awesome," BANG! A lightening bolt crashes down from the heavens and I get knocked back down a few pegs. Needless to say, I don't like that so much. Let me rephrase that, it fucking sucks! Damn I need a drink.
I am truly sorry for you, my gentle readers, having to sit through this insanity. And let me assure you that I will eventually see a therapist instead of dumping all my craziness on you poor saps... I mean Friends. :) Things will have to look up soon because I don't have the money to drink myself silly on a nightly basis and if I do have that option I will be too drunk to type anyway. See its looking up for you...

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I`m a creep, I`m a looser

Ever listen to a song and think, "wow they wrote this about me?!?" well thats how I feel. I`m feeling like shit this weekend. I thought I was okay with letting life just happen but it seems the minute I take my hands of the controls, life slams me into a brick wall instead of taking a right turn. My weekend started out so promising. And so easily it went up in flames. I just wanted to forget the world right now. I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and forgetting everything else. I find myself falling on old habits of dealing with life and I dont think my body, especially my liver, is very hapy about it.
Life is spinning and I dont seem dont seem to be able to hold on. Change is scary and I dont know if I`m ready for it.

*But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here*