Tuesday, November 18, 2008

united states of whatever

I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?

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