Afternoon gentle readers. I intended to rant today and spent days formulating an angry post about this weekends events. Now sitting here in my newly cleaned kitchen, being stalked by angry and confused kitties, I do not seem to have the heart for hatred.
*My Love* is in the living room packing her things. Which, despite the fact that I know this move will be good for her, is difficult. I did not act myself Friday when first faced with her apartment. In fact I was downright mean. I know that I wouldn't like any place she chose to live and lashed out at her over this. Of course this lead to a full day of fighting and treating one another like shit. We were both mean and said things that took a mountain of apologizing to work out afterwords.
I spent Saturday helping her paint, knowing that if I didn't help then she would be alone to deal, which is not my style. I did my best and behaved knowing that one more outburst would seal our fate forever. And knowing that this is the last weekend we have together made me realize what I could loose if I acted immaturely.
Again, sitting here, watching the boxes pile up does not make me a much happier person. In fact I am regretting finishing off the beer yesterday. I know next weekend will be even harder and am not in any place, both physically or mentally, to face it. I am definitely worried about where I am going to go. I know my dark side (or "all Emo" lol) and I am kinda freaked out. I don't want to act the way I have in the past. My biggest enemy is feeling like I have no control. That is the key to my life: control. There are every few situations where I let myself lose control or even give that control away to anyone. I have to have a lot of trust in someone to do that.
I just don't know where to go anymore. I feel like I cant be happy because everytime I step back and say, "wow things are awesome," BANG! A lightening bolt crashes down from the heavens and I get knocked back down a few pegs. Needless to say, I don't like that so much. Let me rephrase that, it fucking sucks! Damn I need a drink.
I am truly sorry for you, my gentle readers, having to sit through this insanity. And let me assure you that I will eventually see a therapist instead of dumping all my craziness on you poor saps... I mean Friends. :) Things will have to look up soon because I don't have the money to drink myself silly on a nightly basis and if I do have that option I will be too drunk to type anyway. See its looking up for you...