Monday, September 1, 2008

you can keep your hat on

Evening gentle viewers from the fist bowl. Its overtime here at the bank and I would give my right arm to be anywhere but here. Its been an odd weekend and I feel like road kill. I did somethings what I am less then proud of.
Saturday night I was in Quebec city and I made the mistake of drinking too much. It all got out of hand so quickly. I wasnt even drinking long, an hour maybe. It was my stupidity, I was tired and hadnt eaten much. The only thing that I did good was that I told a new friend that I need to go home (my hotel.) (On a side note, its odd how people you just met can be better friends to you then people who have been in your life a while.) I was really sick, stupidly sick in fact. I know bad things could have happened to me. I was aware of that from the point when things started spinning. That's when I sought out Edith (who now has the award for best person ever) who took very good care of me.
Its hard to deal with. *My L* got really upset and I don't blame her, but I am upset as well with her. I would have been worried about her too if our places have been exchanged. But on the other hand, if she really looked at me and told me she realized it was a mistake, one mistake that I have no plans to ever repeat and flat out that she realized the grave error, I would have forgiven her at the drop of a hat. But sadly, this isn't the way things turned out. Its hard because I feel like I am the reason for all of our problems. I don't know where to go now. I have no plan of ever drinking like that again, actually right now I don't plan on ever drinking again. I just wish I could not fuck up. I try really hard but the minute I let my guard drop I do something stupid. I don't know what I can possibly say to convince her that I am reliable. I just feel like a fuck up all the time. I don't deserve her...

No comments: