Monday, December 29, 2008

Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run. Theres no hurry anymore, when all is said and done

Evening gentle readers. Its the wee hours of the morning again. This seems to be my key time to write about the days or weeks events. The end of 2008 is approaching in a few short days and the vast unknown of 2009 is right around the corner. Who knows what the next year will bring.

I had the opportunity to see Milk in theaters this past weekend. I had high hopes for the movie and was beyond pleased. I felt such a profound connection with the story and the characters. There is so much that we all owe to our bothers and sisters who fought for the rights that we take advantage of. The stonewall riots and the riots throughout the mid to late 70`s in San Fransisco have paved the way for all of us to have more or less the same rights as hetero couples. People like Harvey Milk, kept the right wing religious factions from turning us into second class citizens with amendments like Prop 6 (sponsored by
John Briggs, a conservative state legislator from Orange County, the failed initiative would have banned gays and lesbians, and possibly anyone who supported gay rights, from working in California's public schools. The Briggs Initiative was the first failure in a conservative movement that started with the successful campaign headed by Anita Bryant and her organization Save Our Children in Dade County, Florida to repeal a local gay rights ordinance.) Queer brothers and sisters of the 70`s fought will bloody fists to inform and educate the American population about the atrocities that the queer population had to endure. Using his "come out, come out, wherever you are" slogan he asks queers around the world to come out of the closet and let those that loved them know that they were gay and proud. This is turn allowed people across America the realization that these laws directly affected those near to them. I watched the scenes of riots and mobilization and wish I could have been a part of that movement. To have been able to see and make a difference for those who will come after me. I wish I could have felt that energy.

I leave you with a news clip of the reports following Harvey Milk`s assassination and the vigil that followed. If that doesn't make you stand up for what you believe in, nothing will.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Somewhere in her smiles she knows, that I dont need no other lover

Evening gentle readers. It is 3am and I find myself drawn to writing in the darkness of my room on this cold winter night. The room is dark other then the light from my computer and the gentle hum of The Beatles sings to me.
I`m feeling a little controversial this early morning. It is a subject I have had in mind and ranted about on more then one occasion. As a very open, gay women in a predominantly hetero workplace sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Its easy to be caught up in the attention that one receives from straight women and at the same time it can loose you. I cannot count the times I have been called the perfect man/boyfriend/partner if only I were male. I don't really think I can be flattered by these compliments any more then I would be happy being the runner up in an election. Why are gay woman the secondary cast and never the stunning lead? We are the safe alternative, the ones who can be flirted with because we are safe and in no way a threat. Its safe because things wont go too far and you cant or wont be called easy for flirting with another women. Its almost as if its a game, to prove that they are indeed have the ability to attract men and also women. It makes me feel used and dirty to realize that this goes on. It makes me feel objectified... and lonely.
The year 2008 is almost at a close. I`ve finished the year a few steps ahead of where I was last time around. I`ve got a few new questions and a few new headaches. I just want to keep moving upwards and I promise I`ll keep writing. I hope you`ll come along for the ride.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving what I've done

Evening gentle readers. I find myself more and more drawn to writing but at the same time feeling more and more tired which in turn makes me less likely to write. (confusing I know) Its been none the less busy for the last week. And owing to the fact that christmas is a week away, it does not seem all to likely that it will calm down any time soon.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.