Tuesday, December 16, 2008

For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving what I've done

Evening gentle readers. I find myself more and more drawn to writing but at the same time feeling more and more tired which in turn makes me less likely to write. (confusing I know) Its been none the less busy for the last week. And owing to the fact that christmas is a week away, it does not seem all to likely that it will calm down any time soon.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.

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