Monday, November 30, 2009

how long have I been in this storm/so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form/water's getting harder to tread/with these waves crashing over my head

Afternoon gentle viewers. Its been a few weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit here with you all. I managed to service my vacation and the subsequent week that followed. The cruise was truly amazing. Despite some sea sickness the trip was a once in a lifetime experience. The "getting" to Tampa was some of the roughest traveling I have every done. I thought I was going to loose my mind even before our trip began. I woke up in a panic and thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was pacing the apartment, I ate easily 4 ginger gravol and popped 2 regular gravol before we were even able to leave the house. I thought I was going to loose it completely. I did everything that my therapist had helped me with. I had water to center me, made sure to breathe and paced to help calm my head. I was given no choice but to get over it and get in a cab to the airport. I was excited and in the vacation mode so I managed to shake the anxiety until Atlanta where I began to freak out again. Thankfully I managed on to my better half managed to get me on a plane and within an hour and a half we had landed in Tampa ahead of schedule. The flights were all early without any turbulence, I highly recommend traveling with Delta airlines!
Despite a small hiccup with anxiety before leaving for the boat the day was smooth sailing. We arrived at the pier, sent our luggage onto the ship with a porter, bought some wine and juice and within a half hour we were stepping onto the Carnival Legend! We enjoyed 7 beautiful days on the boat, with trips where were did cave tubing, swam with sting rays and visited 2 of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen. The service was amazing and we were treated like royalty daily.
I appreciate the support I received and am happy to see you all enjoying my insanity. Thank you for being there. 

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I don't know what I've done/Or if I like what I've begun/But something told me to run/And honey you know me it's all or none

Evening gentle views. I popped by the blog and was pleasantly surprised to see that a record 3 people are now following this little world I have created. I would like to thank all 3 of you amazing people for reading my insanity week after week. I`ll be expecting your therapy bills in the mail soon.

I am sluggishly reaching my vacation and honestly I don't think I could be looking forward to it more. I need to be away from the world for a bit... despite the fact that I will constantly be thinking about the pile of work that awaits me and how many hundreds of emails I can look forward to upon my return. I am concerned as well about how my team will fair without me there to scare them with the wrath of god or whatever deity they worship. I know I need to let go, but this really is the first time I have left my team in the hands of anyone and I`m really the only one I can trust.

Speaking of trust (amazing segway thank you very much.) I have spent a few waking hours considering how much I trust people and how little I really let them. I divulged to a colleague today that I wrestled with anxiety and she was surprised that I was ever even unsure of myself. People really don't realize how afraid I am all the time. That's a huge part to why I feel anxious often, the fact that I am in "battle mode" 24/7. I feel like I spend most of my time ready for some unforeseen attack that doesn't always come but I feel I need to be ready for. I think its part of the road I am on. People who look like I do will never have an easy life. I know that no one around me really has any idea what it is like to be as different as I feel (and am) everyday. I told a few colleagues that I prayed that I never had a kid like me. I wouldn't want to let anyone else endure my life. Its hard enough to survive most days. I know people think I am strong and tough but there really isn't much left of me at the end of the day. Most days I just crash, exhausted from the day...

I think I will leave things here. I`ll leave you with an amazing clip someone shared with me. I think it fits with the theme of the night:

Good night gentler readers. May the wind always be at your back and the sun always shining on you.

"I'm writing myself down, I`m sketching directions, so that I may be found or followed"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping/While my guitar gently weeps/I look at you all/Still my guitar gently weeps

Evening Gentle Viewers. It has been a little while since I have sat here and emptied my heart out to you all. It has most certainly been a trying time since we last spoke and I cannot possibly wait to be away from work in a few days.

Life has new meaning for me. I have come to the realization that there is a very fine line between what is and what might have been. Could one simple change to your routine bring disaster to you or those around you? Or could not choosing to deviate from your daily routine bring you that much closer to ruin. What does it take to turn your make you realize the fragility (if that's even a word) of our own existence? Almost 2 months ago a very close friend and colleague of mine was out walker her dog when a car going only 10 kilometers an how hit her. 2 days later she was dead and we were all left shocked and confused as to how this all happened. Was it fate that took her away from us? Was it simply a case of wrong place, wrong time? Or was it simply her time to go? I cannot answer that question and it infuriates me! Most of all it scares me. It makes life feel like it could crumble in my hands... I just miss her and think life is a cruel and harsh place.

What else can I say ladies and gentleman (more ladies - thanks to those that read my madness!!!) I was at a dinner part surrounded by queer women and the debate over Rosie O`Donnell came up. A friend had strong feelings about Rosie choosing to come out much later after leaving television unlike our supreme leader Ellen, who did it front and center in front of millions. From there things somehow spiraled into gay bashing (both verbal and physical.) The room became quickly divided between those who genuinely feared for their life and those who really never thought about it. I, obviously, fell into the ladder category. This just made it even more apparent that my life and interactions are very different from the norm and most people, even queers like me, don`t have any idea what being under attack daily is like. Which makes me feel alone but at least content that if they don`t understand then maybe its happening less.

On another queer but much happier note: T.V has a new queer power couple. I am absolutely in love with Grey`s Anatomy`s Arizona Robins and Callie Torres. I know I was a huge fan of Callie and Erica last year, but good god to I love these two. Despite limited physical affection I still do a happy dance every time they are on screen together.
Here, see for yourself:
I love... love.

So ladies I think its time to check out for the night. Thank you for reading. Good night from the fish bowl.