Into your eyes/Hopeless and taken/We stole our new lives/Through blood an pain/In defense of our dreams

Good evening gentle viewers. I hope this finds you having a pleasant evening. I know I haven't been around a lot lately. In only 3 weeks I will have Internet access that will allow me to post on a more consistent basis. I feel like I have 300 things to talk about and I`m trying to prioritize my brain to cause minimal impact to your sanity.
Its been almost 6 months since my close friend and colleague passed away. Also in 2 days it would have been her 3 year anniversary at RBC, an occasion she`ll never see. She has been in my thoughts a lot in the last few weeks. I have done my best to remember all the good things about her, but frankly I just miss her so damn much. So many little things make me think about her and how unfair I feel life is. It still feels raw and far from "healing," which is a cruel feeling. I still have a hard time believing I`ll never see her again.
I received an email from someone I knew years ago. Essentially it was a "coming out" email and from what I gathered (and what she insinuated) this was the first time that she had made any outward expression of her sexuality. Firstly, I was immensely touched that she had reached out to me. In life you are rarely given the opportunity to support someone through something that, at times is traumatic, and often is extremely difficult. I sincerely hope that I can be of at least some help. Secondly, I flashed to a conversation I had with a friend I worked with way back at Wendy`s. She had asked why I put myself out there so much as a gay individual. I responded simply that if I could make life easier for one person, if I could have a positive impact on one person in life, then all the pain, all the fighting would be worth it. And situations like this really do make me feel like there is a pay off for all the work.
I guess that should be it for the evening. I have no desire to overload you with my brain farts this evening. I should, of course, be getting my ass to bed soon. I am looking forward to being able to write more often for you all. I appreciate everyone of you and the comments I`ve received. I truly do appreciate having you here and knowing that we all have a connection. I wish you all sweet dreams and happy days.

Until next time.

You're the dream that I've been chasing after years of waiting/For a chance to fall and shine/Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Evening gentle viewers. Its been a little while since we have spoken. Work has been busy and I`ve been too tired to do much once I get home. Even now I should be trying to sleep (which looks a lot like watching old Buffy episodes on my couch with the cats) but instead here I sit typing my little dyke heart away. So here is the verbal diarrhea that seems to be in my head of lately.
I spoke with my mother late last week and was surprised to hear that my father has spent the last 2 months having cancer treatment less then 2 hours from here. My mother didn't even hear it from his own mouth but from a friend of a friend at a funeral. I have spoken to my father 1 time in 10 years. The last time (and only time) we spoke was on the phone and I told him I wouldn't call him until he made the first move. Needless to say I`m still waiting. My sister (3 years younger) called him a year ago, left 3 telephone messages, her address and her email address. Has he called her.... a big nopers. I do not want to call him. I do not want to talk to him. I know that he alone has the ability to turn me into a insecure five year old girl. I have spent years getting away from that feeling, working to not let his words control my life. I have been to therapist, I have been validated in my feelings and feel justification for my anger. And yet I`m worried that in the event he kicks the proverbial bucket I`ll feel guilty. My conundrum is that I`m not sure I`m worried about feeling guilty about not calling him, more that I am guilty for not thinking logically about the situation. So here I sit, torn between what to do. I hate being indecisive!!!!
On a more happy note. The wonderful "Miss Love of my life" will be moving in to a new apartment in April. We are presently on the hunt for a new place with lots of room for our monsters with the possibility of eventually getting a puppy (a boston terrier.) I am so unbelievably ready for this step and cant wait to have my girl right there with me every night. I`ll be happy once we find a place but we honestly just started looking. And in just over 2 weeks Miss LomL and I will be relaxing on a beach in Cuba with a drink in hand. I cannot wait. I know its been 2 1/2 months since my last vacation, but I need to get away from the city and all these headaches. I just want to be away from it all.
Wow, I`m wordy today. I hope this long cold dreary January is treating you all well. Hope were your holidays? Was the big lezzie Santa good to you all? Feel free to let me know.

I leave you with a lovie dovie clip of my favorite TV couple. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EQ7Ad3IeRg&NR=1

After posting I came to the realization that I have been writing for 3 years. This is the longest I have ever kept anything like this going. I`m happy with the progress that I have seen over the 3 years. I`m happy with the progress I have made. I am a week or so shy of my 2 year anniversary at rbc and it seems like just yesterday I was starting. Life is good.

We`re two lost souls living in a fish bowl year after year

I spent the better part of the evening speaking with an amazing man who just so happens to be the partner of my departed friend Michele. It was amazing to share stories about her and find out things I never knew about her. I heard how they met and about the events around their dating. I shared things that happened in our day to day life at work and how important she was to me. She lived without regret. She lived everyday to the fullest and made so many people laugh. She was my kindred soul at work and the only other person who refused to conform. She was my light and my sense of direction in the face of insanity. She made everything light up around her and changed the life of everyone she knew. I miss her everyday. I think about her on the bus or at home. I still cant touch the DVD she gave back to me a few days before she died. In my mind she touched it and I cant loose that. God I miss her. She changed me forever...





On ne choisi pas toujours la route,
Ni même le moment du départ;
On n'efface pas toujours le doute,
La vieille peur d'être en retard...
Et la vie est si fragile.

On ne choisi jamais de vieillir,
On voudrait rêver un peu plus.
La vie n'est pas faite pour mourir,
On meurt souvent bien entendu...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

On atteint pas toujours le but
Qu'on s'était fixé autrefois.
On ne reçoit pas souvent son dû,
La justice choisi où elle va...
Et la vie est si fragile

On est seulement ce que l'on peut,
On est rarement ce que l'on croît!
Aussitôt on se pense un dieu,
Aussitôt on reçoît une croix...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Le temps est là,
Toujours là,
Seule justice ici-bas,
On est si fragile...

On marche sur l'or ou sur l'argile,
Dépend de ce qu'on a reçu.
On reste tout aussi fragile,
Pourquoi donc se marcher dessus?
Car la vie, car la vie...

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Your friendship means a lot to me, if we were on a sinking ship and there was only 1 life jacket. i would really fuckin miss you

Evening gentle viewers. I`m here in the fish bowl feeling the need to write you all. Its been a while since I have sat here and written. I am patiently waiting to go get my drink on with colleagues.
I`m feeling a little out of sorts this evening. The Misses and I had a little tete a tete and I am unsure of her head space tonight. I don't want to loose her and I`m afraid she may drift away. Not because I am an ass of because I fucked up. Simply because my job is demanding and that my schedule is shit and I cant be around enough. So you can understand that this makes me stressed and feeling extremely helpless. Its frustrating because we just came off our vacation where we were on an incredible high and now I feel like things are uncertain. With everything we have gone through I don't know what else life can throw at us.
I`m feeling like ass. With a week to go to my birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas, I`m not so sure I`m looking forward to the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more madness.

how long have I been in this storm/so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form/water's getting harder to tread/with these waves crashing over my head

Afternoon gentle viewers. Its been a few weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit here with you all. I managed to service my vacation and the subsequent week that followed. The cruise was truly amazing. Despite some sea sickness the trip was a once in a lifetime experience. The "getting" to Tampa was some of the roughest traveling I have every done. I thought I was going to loose my mind even before our trip began. I woke up in a panic and thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was pacing the apartment, I ate easily 4 ginger gravol and popped 2 regular gravol before we were even able to leave the house. I thought I was going to loose it completely. I did everything that my therapist had helped me with. I had water to center me, made sure to breathe and paced to help calm my head. I was given no choice but to get over it and get in a cab to the airport. I was excited and in the vacation mode so I managed to shake the anxiety until Atlanta where I began to freak out again. Thankfully I managed on to my better half managed to get me on a plane and within an hour and a half we had landed in Tampa ahead of schedule. The flights were all early without any turbulence, I highly recommend traveling with Delta airlines!

Despite a small hiccup with anxiety before leaving for the boat the day was smooth sailing. We arrived at the pier, sent our luggage onto the ship with a porter, bought some wine and juice and within a half hour we were stepping onto the Carnival Legend! We enjoyed 7 beautiful days on the boat, with trips where were did cave tubing, swam with sting rays and visited 2 of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen. The service was amazing and we were treated like royalty daily.

I appreciate the support I received and am happy to see you all enjoying my insanity. Thank you for being there. 

I don't know what I've done/Or if I like what I've begun/But something told me to run/And honey you know me it's all or none

Evening gentle views. I popped by the blog and was pleasantly surprised to see that a record 3 people are now following this little world I have created. I would like to thank all 3 of you amazing people for reading my insanity week after week. I`ll be expecting your therapy bills in the mail soon.

I am sluggishly reaching my vacation and honestly I don't think I could be looking forward to it more. I need to be away from the world for a bit... despite the fact that I will constantly be thinking about the pile of work that awaits me and how many hundreds of emails I can look forward to upon my return. I am concerned as well about how my team will fair without me there to scare them with the wrath of god or whatever deity they worship. I know I need to let go, but this really is the first time I have left my team in the hands of anyone and I`m really the only one I can trust.

Speaking of trust (amazing segway thank you very much.) I have spent a few waking hours considering how much I trust people and how little I really let them. I divulged to a colleague today that I wrestled with anxiety and she was surprised that I was ever even unsure of myself. People really don't realize how afraid I am all the time. That's a huge part to why I feel anxious often, the fact that I am in "battle mode" 24/7. I feel like I spend most of my time ready for some unforeseen attack that doesn't always come but I feel I need to be ready for. I think its part of the road I am on. People who look like I do will never have an easy life. I know that no one around me really has any idea what it is like to be as different as I feel (and am) everyday. I told a few colleagues that I prayed that I never had a kid like me. I wouldn't want to let anyone else endure my life. Its hard enough to survive most days. I know people think I am strong and tough but there really isn't much left of me at the end of the day. Most days I just crash, exhausted from the day...

I think I will leave things here. I`ll leave you with an amazing clip someone shared with me. I think it fits with the theme of the night:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esyvNhyL0xs

Good night gentler readers. May the wind always be at your back and the sun always shining on you.

"I'm writing myself down, I`m sketching directions, so that I may be found or followed"

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping/While my guitar gently weeps/I look at you all/Still my guitar gently weeps

Evening Gentle Viewers. It has been a little while since I have sat here and emptied my heart out to you all. It has most certainly been a trying time since we last spoke and I cannot possibly wait to be away from work in a few days.

Life has new meaning for me. I have come to the realization that there is a very fine line between what is and what might have been. Could one simple change to your routine bring disaster to you or those around you? Or could not choosing to deviate from your daily routine bring you that much closer to ruin. What does it take to turn your make you realize the fragility (if that's even a word) of our own existence? Almost 2 months ago a very close friend and colleague of mine was out walker her dog when a car going only 10 kilometers an how hit her. 2 days later she was dead and we were all left shocked and confused as to how this all happened. Was it fate that took her away from us? Was it simply a case of wrong place, wrong time? Or was it simply her time to go? I cannot answer that question and it infuriates me! Most of all it scares me. It makes life feel like it could crumble in my hands... I just miss her and think life is a cruel and harsh place.

What else can I say ladies and gentleman (more ladies - thanks to those that read my madness!!!) I was at a dinner part surrounded by queer women and the debate over Rosie O`Donnell came up. A friend had strong feelings about Rosie choosing to come out much later after leaving television unlike our supreme leader Ellen, who did it front and center in front of millions. From there things somehow spiraled into gay bashing (both verbal and physical.) The room became quickly divided between those who genuinely feared for their life and those who really never thought about it. I, obviously, fell into the ladder category. This just made it even more apparent that my life and interactions are very different from the norm and most people, even queers like me, don`t have any idea what being under attack daily is like. Which makes me feel alone but at least content that if they don`t understand then maybe its happening less.

On another queer but much happier note: T.V has a new queer power couple. I am absolutely in love with Grey`s Anatomy`s Arizona Robins and Callie Torres. I know I was a huge fan of Callie and Erica last year, but good god to I love these two. Despite limited physical affection I still do a happy dance every time they are on screen together.
Here, see for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6py2BM_9oY
I love... love.

So ladies I think its time to check out for the night. Thank you for reading. Good night from the fish bowl.