Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You're the dream that I've been chasing after years of waiting/For a chance to fall and shine/Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Evening gentle viewers. Its been a little while since we have spoken. Work has been busy and I`ve been too tired to do much once I get home. Even now I should be trying to sleep (which looks a lot like watching old Buffy episodes on my couch with the cats) but instead here I sit typing my little dyke heart away. So here is the verbal diarrhea that seems to be in my head of lately.
I spoke with my mother late last week and was surprised to hear that my father has spent the last 2 months having cancer treatment less then 2 hours from here. My mother didn't even hear it from his own mouth but from a friend of a friend at a funeral. I have spoken to my father 1 time in 10 years. The last time (and only time) we spoke was on the phone and I told him I wouldn't call him until he made the first move. Needless to say I`m still waiting. My sister (3 years younger) called him a year ago, left 3 telephone messages, her address and her email address. Has he called her.... a big nopers. I do not want to call him. I do not want to talk to him. I know that he alone has the ability to turn me into a insecure five year old girl. I have spent years getting away from that feeling, working to not let his words control my life. I have been to therapist, I have been validated in my feelings and feel justification for my anger. And yet I`m worried that in the event he kicks the proverbial bucket I`ll feel guilty. My conundrum is that I`m not sure I`m worried about feeling guilty about not calling him, more that I am guilty for not thinking logically about the situation. So here I sit, torn between what to do. I hate being indecisive!!!!
On a more happy note. The wonderful "Miss Love of my life" will be moving in to a new apartment in April. We are presently on the hunt for a new place with lots of room for our monsters with the possibility of eventually getting a puppy (a boston terrier.) I am so unbelievably ready for this step and cant wait to have my girl right there with me every night. I`ll be happy once we find a place but we honestly just started looking. And in just over 2 weeks Miss LomL and I will be relaxing on a beach in Cuba with a drink in hand. I cannot wait. I know its been 2 1/2 months since my last vacation, but I need to get away from the city and all these headaches. I just want to be away from it all.
Wow, I`m wordy today. I hope this long cold dreary January is treating you all well. Hope were your holidays? Was the big lezzie Santa good to you all? Feel free to let me know.

I leave you with a lovie dovie clip of my favorite TV couple. Enjoy.

After posting I came to the realization that I have been writing for 3 years. This is the longest I have ever kept anything like this going. I`m happy with the progress that I have seen over the 3 years. I`m happy with the progress I have made. I am a week or so shy of my 2 year anniversary at rbc and it seems like just yesterday I was starting. Life is good.

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