Saturday, June 30, 2012
And I would be the one/To hold you down/Kiss you so hard/I'll take your breath away/And after I'd/wipe away the tears/Just close your eyes dear
Morning to you all. I write you sitting in a clinic on an early Saturday morning. Sitting here waiting I cannot help but feel anxieties. Yes, not feeling well is already an unpleasant experience. When I sit here I cannot but worry about every unkind experience I or anyone who falls under a "gender confusing" heading has had. It doesn't mean that today's experience will be bad, that I will have to defend myself or god forbid be mistreated. What causes the fear is the potential that something bad may happen. What makes matters worse in my opinion, is that I have it easy compared to other people I know. It makes me feel for my gender bender/trans brothers and sisters out there.
Those of you who have never experienced any of these fears may think its odd that something as menial could strive fear into anyone's hearts. I genuinely wish it didn't. I have had to defend my gender on more than one occasion and have been treated like a second class citizen more than once. So when I find myself in pain and wanting to have someone qualified help make things better I find it difficult to trust medical professionals (other than my family doctor who I trust with my life but an appointment with her would take months.) It makes you paranoid at times. Makes you see things that may or may not be happening. Did she look at my funny or does he think they made a mistake on my medical/hospital card? It's a frustrating experience that leaves me anxious. 8 out of 10 times nothing happens. It's those 2 times that I fear. I am alone in these appointments and have no one to rely on when I am vulnerable. I am not one to need someone's defending until I find myself in this kind of situation. For lack of any better description, it's scary. Those 2 incidents will scar you, put you on the defense and make you wary in every other similar situation. It will make you doubt yourself as well as the humanity in others. It can make you put off seeking medical attention which can result in things becoming worse.
I flash to scenes from "stone butch blues" and the those unimaginable horrors that befell my comrades only 40 years ago. It makes me sick to know how people were treated but also proud far we have come.
This turned out to be one of the good experiences thankfully. Add one for the good guys today. It gives me a little faith hat things may change. It won't take away all my worries but it will quell my anxieties for one day. I guess that's all I can ask for.