Do you know what's worth fighting for?/When it's not worth dying for?/Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?

Afternoon gentle viewers. I hope this new year finds you happy, safe and in a good place. I have to apologize for my absence these past few months, and as I have promised before (and not always followed through on) I will do everything in my power to write more often.

I have been finding inspiration in a few people and situations around me. Little things or situations have rekindled my passion to write again, somewhat out of frustration but also to help educate.

Living a life "different" from societal norms is never easy. What can be even more difficult (and frustrating) is to live a life where you constantly have to prove or defend yourself to others. Imagine identifying as one things to yourself and having everyone else in your life see you a different way. What defines you more, how you perceive yourself or how others perceive you? What is the long term impact on someones mental stability when they have to fight these perceptions daily?

"I know why they call them labels/because you have to fit a label now to fit a label - Watsky."

Labeling anyone is a double edged sword. You will find those who like the idea of fitting into a label, as long as its a label of their choosing and not the stereotype they are being forced into. For me personally, I like fitting in with a larger entity. It elevates the feeling of being alone. For others, the thought of having to fit into a label means having to conform to a societal norm.

What happens when society views and personal views contradict? What supersedes the other? When your outside appearance is different from how you identify you are forced to defend yourself and your "choices." On one hand you have the ability to change others views on that identity, on the other hand you are also the only "model" for that identity and become the frame work for that "model." However, does it all become too much? I can only image the kind of stress and frustration that comes with constantly having to fight to defend and prove how you identify.

What can we do to make this all a little easier? For starters, stop assuming! It does not only "make an ass of u and me," but also forces everyone else to have to change your assumptions. Is that a guy or a girl.... assumptions! Is that chick butch or femme.... assumptions! Is that guy gay.... assumptions! That butch only dates femmes.... say it with me: assumptions! We have to get away from this mind set. Live and let live people! We will all be healthier for it. Beauty is everywhere and we need to enjoy it!!!!

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions/Oh, let's go back to the start/Running in circles, coming up tails/Heads on a science apart

Greeting all.

I ask you this, what situation do you dread more then anything else? Is it going to the dentist? Gyno? Doing paperwork? What if that situation you found the most uncomfortable was something you were forced to do everyday? What kind of impact would that have on your day to day activities? Would it make you less likely to want to go to work and/or school? Take a few seconds to think about the ramifications of that feeling? Go on, I'll wait for you.

For those who live outside the box society has built for us, several daily activities you may not even think about, are a painful and sometimes humiliating experience. Lets take an activity I am sure you have done atleast once today (more if you are healthy.) Using a public restroom. What is the average thought process about using a public restroom? What stall is the cleanest? Did someone just hear me do that? For most that is as far as they even think when it comes to one of our most basic needs. What would you do if using a public restroom left you with dilapidating anxiety? Something you had to talk yourself into anytime nature called. Chances are you have never experienced this and likely will never experience it. Unfortunately this cannot be said for everyone. There are so many people under our rainbow heading that face this challenge on a daily basis.

Walking into a restroom becomes something you must talk yourself into. It’s a ritual of preparation, ensuring you are ready to face whatever onslaught you may experience. Reactions can range from a second glance to flat out violence. Earlier this year a transgendered woman was beaten in a McDonalds for using the restroom and all the staff did was laugh and videotape the event. Personally I have never experienced anything that violent however I have been confronted on more than one occasion.

Gender Outlaws have no choice but to devise ways to surviving this inevitable activity. This ranges from doing your best to plan your trip during a moment where their are as little people as possible, to waiting in your stall until the coast is clear before exiting. For myself, this has become such a ritual that even at work (A place I generally feel no fear or reproach) I find myself using some of the above techniques.

Having experienced a public restroom on both sides of the gender spectrum I can honestly say that it is a very different experience. Women know how many people are in the bathroom, what they look like, what outfits they are wearing and alot of other random details. (I can assure you this is not any insult towards my fellow female homosapiens; this is the plain old truth.) Men on the other hand keep their head down, do what they have to do and get out. So when entering a women's restroom it is far easier to feel the scrutinous glare of everyone in there.

All I ask of you, after reading this, is to not pass judgment on that ambiguous person who just wandered into the restroom. Chances are that if they have chosen that particular restroom that they are in the right place. Understand the discomfort and fear that may be accompanied with this experience. And most of all: Live and let live....

I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete

Good morning friends. As always I hope this finds you healthy and happy and the you have the opportunity to feel the warm sun on your face this morning.

I have been inconsistent in posting since the shows we love have ended. Life as always takes priority and I find having the time to write down my thoughts difficult at the best of times. I can not complain about how my life is going. My Boston Terrier is now 14 months old and wins the hearts of everyone she meets. She is my 4 legged child and I love her to death. My partner and I looking into buying our first home next year so we have been in full research mode for the last few weeks. All in all, we are very fortunate and happy, isn't that all that matters?

The world around us has been ever changing. In the last few months we have seen parts of Canada being faced with flooding and other natural disasters. New York state has legalized gay marriage. Scandals have erupted in politics, well everywhere. Canada has been taken over, well almost, by the "orange crush." The list can go on forever. Who knows where we will be sitting this time next year.

I had a whole blog spot set up in my head today. However now that I sit here writing it, I realize it is not what I had expected to write. I had intended on going on another long rant about the progressive extinction of the "gentleman butch." And what came out was what you are reading. This does not mean that the above idea not become a blog post of the future, its just moving over for something else this morning. It is amazing the way the brain works and how it can easily go off into tangents at any given time.

So thats all for today my friends. I plan on writing soon. Hugs to you all

Lucy Caboosey

Evening All. I, as always, hope this finds you well and healthy. It has been a few weeks since I have been here to torment you all so I felt it was fair time for an entry. First let me thank you all for reading. This blog has hit over 2000 views (half in the last 2 months) and its thanks to you all and your support that I am here.

So on to Glee fun! I didn't get to comment on last weeks episode, the first episode since our hero's won regionals. As much as I want to sit here and make witty comments about that episode, sadly I have none. It was not, by any means, my favorite episode. Infact my only description is taffy and evil henchman. Either way I am sad to see Gwenyth is gone, but what can you do.

So on to this week. I don't know about you but I have been waiting a while to here Santana proclaiming her rug munching desires. Finally, she is a lesbian! Sing it proud sister!!! Or in your case blackmail others with it. Santana hatches a diabolical plan to become prom queen by blackmailing Karafsky into forming an anti bullying squad so that she can get Kurt back to Mckinley and save the day and earn Brittney's heart. During their "planning" session Santana outs herself, of course playing on lesbian stereotypes, this is Santana afterall. Both her and Karafsky actually do good, going on a crusade that eventually brings our lovable Kurt back home where he belongs and has us all begging to have Blaine join him. As much as I feel that Satana's motives are far from honorable, I think the end result will make us all go 'Gaga' (like what I did there.... )

The idea behind this episode is to show us all that despite our imperfections we should all love ourselves. Even the Jewess Rachel and Princess Quinn (is it just me or is she channeling Brooke McQueen of Popular fame?) have issues with their body image. Rachel, who suffers at the hands of Finn's dancing, cannot stand her nose and Quinn has some chubby ghosts in her fashionable closet. While both women wrestle with these feeling, both in their own way, their choice of song is perfect. This was an amazing mashup of Unpretty and I feel Pretty. I didn't think these songs would work as well together. Re listening to the song and watching their interactions I have a hard time not feeling bad for Quinn. Rachel, as much as she can be trying on your nerves, is always going to be that underdog you root for. Quinn on the other hand, is your queen bee. She had it all, football playing boyfriend, future prom queen, popular, pretty, you name it. Who knew that she harbored such low confidence.

The Glee Clubs assignment is to wear what they are ashamed of on a t-shirt and of course perform the new anthem for every down and our person alive, "Born This Way." (Which replaces "express yourself" as the new gay anthem) Santana chooses the title "Bitch" to represent herself while Brittany feels "Lebanese" is a better choice. Sadly Santana pouts in her gay non gay corner with Karafsky instead of gagaing it up. This performance was a toe tapping, smile inducing riot. Watching the pride on each and every persons face as they sported something that made them ashamed was inspiring. I felt an overwhelming amount of pride seeing Kurt sport a "likes boys" shirt for the world to see. Everyone gets in on the fun (well except her role highness Santana anyway) with Will sporting a "Butt Chin" shirt and Emma finally admitting to having OCD.

Overall a very solid episode. It had its funny moments mixed in with touching, heartfelt moments (anyone else shed a tear when Finn hugged Kurt?) I am finding Glee is getting better and better with each coming episode. The songs, the story lines are always very entertaining and very real. That's what keeps us coming back week after week.

What have you done today to make you feel proud

Evening to all of you out there. I hope as always this finds you well and happy. I am taking a break from my regularly scheduled review (or rant) to get a tad more serious then I have in a while. As you may or may not know tomorrow is the Day of Pink. In the event you are not aware, the Day of Pink is a day to stand up against Bullying and Homophobia. The day began to speak out against bullying towards a student in a Nova Scotia highschool and has since grown into a global awareness campaign.

If you have read some of my earlier posts you may know that I work for the Royal Bank of Canada. Last year when the Day of Pink (DOP) came about we had little to no coverage within our workplace about this activity. However this year, to my pleasant surprise, this has not only reached the "powers that be" at RBC but has filtered into branches (I work in a contact center.) I am moved beyond words that an event that is no very personal to every human being on the planet is part of a billion dollar corporations priorities. I am already very proud to work at RBC. Its values mirror my own and I appreciate that I have the opportunity to blossom. However, seeing the company come together over something that many people consider to "not be an issue" is heartwarming and unbelievably motivating. What makes me even more proud to be working for RBC is the people. As the only openly gay female (that I know of) and even more so, the only women I know who identifies as Gender Queer, I have never felt left out or even harassed due to my sexual orientation or outward appearance. Yes, like every gay individual, I have had to explain a few things to my hetero colleagues but these were always cases of genuine interest and never anything in the context of discrimination or ignorance. All this to say that I work in an amazing environment surrounded by amazing people. And I say this to anyone who works with me daily, YOU ARE RBC and you are what makes me proud!

I am moved by the amount of attention the DOP has received. All too many bullying cases and discrimination situations go unnoticed or worse are not even dealt with. I defy you to find one person in your surroundings who has not been bullied for one reason or another. We live in a society filled with a variety of social networking sites and means to communicate between ourselves. Unfortunately, we also leave ourselves open to harassment through those same means. We can be reached by facebook, myspace (yes that still exists,) BBM, MSN, facetime, email ... and those tools can easily be used against us to turn our lives into what some may consider hell. We put our whole lives out there on these mediums and they can all be used against us so easily. And when the harassing starts in rarely ends in any way that does not leave the user scared or worse. Yet we continue to bare our souls to the universe (present company included) without a second thought.

So I plead to you all gentle readers to take this fight to your cities, towns, schools, workplace. Do not tolerate the intolerable. Do not stand idly by and watch one more person shrink into obscurity. Stand up for those who are not ready to stand up for themselves. BECOME A ROLEMODEL!. Stand tall and proud, because you, YOU are the future and you have the power to mold it into anything you want it to me. I am proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with you in the fight.

I leave you with resources that may help.

http://www.dayofpink.org/

PLFLAG: http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp

BullyingCanada: http://www.bullyingcanada.ca/

FCKH8T: http://fckh8.com/Bullies/

Be strong my friends...

But these stories don't mean anything. When you've got no one to tell them to. It's true...I was made for you

Happy Monday to all. I hope this finds you well, warm and happy. I am a bit behind on this blog post as I intended to have it written before the weekend. If you have been anywhere near me in the last 2 months I can assure you that you have wanted to hit me atleast once or twice because my favorite topic on conversation has been the Greys Anatomy Musical Event. (I ask you to stop rolling your eyes. Thank you very much)

Now, to say that I am a big fan of Grey's would be a complete lie. (I am a HUGE fan) Other then Glee its the only other show I never miss. Yes, dear audience, I love this show. More so than the show, I have a fond love of my favorite gay female couple, Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres. Man oh man do I love these characters. Despite not always having a major plot point, I sit patiently waiting for either character to grace the screen or even (GASP!!) share an affectionate moment or two with once another. So you can understand my excitement knowing that an episode would be devoted to Callie (and subsequently Arizona) and to make my gay little day even better there would be singing! I read anything I could possibly get my hands on about the Musical Event. I knew every spoiler, had listened to every song from the set list, watched every pre-released clip, I was good and prepared! Or so I thought....

I knew poor Callie was going to perform a triple lutz straight through the passenger window, I knew Callie would go to hell and back. However when I first saw her twitching on the hood of her car my heart was in my throat. The full on panicked and helpless feeling Arizona was going through made it all the more painful to endure. What do you do when you know you can't do anything? It's that earth shattering moment when you realize you could loose that person you love more than anything and would trade places with them if it were possible. An Emmy needs to go to both actresses for their roles in this episode, honestly, Bravo ladies, Bravo!

When the first notes of Chasing Cars floated in, I like many of you, had fallen under Sara Ramirez's beautiful spell. As Callie's eyes dart back and forth in shock and panic as she "sees" her friends and colleagues singing I felt that panic transcend to those watching. Owen's deep, almost soothing voice was pleasantly surprising. I had no idea the man could sing! The key moment in Chasing Cars was the angelic moment where all three (Baily, Hunt, Callie) voices joined. My props go out to the sound mixing in this episode because how they went back and forth between signing and actual medical work was amazing.

Another highlight was "How to Save a Life." I appreciated that the group numbers (mostly) contained the entirety of the song. The emotion in each persons voice, conveying each ones fears and insecurities. Their desperation was palpable. The song pulled me in, culminating at the point where Callie and Arizona's hands link on the glass looking down at Callie's body as she flatlines and her baby lies motionless. That moment for me sealed their bond forever.

If you have seen the episode I am sure you are going to think that the duet between our fair ladies was my favorite scene. Well gentle readers that is unfortunately not correct. I was somewhat disappointed to be honest. Not because of the acting or the song choice, only because more of the song was not used. I was looking forward to hearing Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) get to sing more. However the powers that be started it well into the song where Callie's part started. I thought the dynamic that was created was beautiful and very touching, however I was looking forward to more.

Now what was my favorite scene of the show? Well I am so happy you asked friends. When Callie goes back into her head I wasn't sure where this was going to take us. I was worried that Callie would be saying no to Arizona's ill timed proposal. Then they started to sing and I found myself smiling like an idiot completely caught up in Callie's mind and what she thought everyones "happy place" was like. Seeing the flirtatiousness between both women was o amazing. There was no big deal about the gay couple or treating them any differently. Frankly, it was refreshing.

I honestly would give this episode a 10. It had so many elements that worked for them. They made the idea of a musical work in a medical drama which I know many people said was impossible. They succeeded in making big mushy sucks of us all. I commend Grey's for taking such a risk (a very well publicized risk however a risk none the less.) I fell in love with the show all over again!

Companion to our demons They will dance, and we will play With chairs, candles, and cloth Making darkness in the day

Happy weekend to all. I am amazed to see the amount of traffic the blog is getting and its truly humbling. Thank you all for sharing this little shard of my existence, I hope you enjoy my madness.

Friday night I was blessed with a ticket to see Sarah Mclachlan for the second time in my life. The first time I saw her was 6 years ago at the Montreal Bell Center. It was an amazing night where I ended up front row center infront of one of my favorite artists. This time it was a much smaller and more intimate setting at Theatre St-Denis. I was excited to see her perform as well as see the opening act Butterfly Boucher (she opened for Sarah during her Afterglow tour.) I had never seen her before she first opened for Sarah's first tour and was blown away. She was amazing! You may very well have heard one of her songs before if you watch Greys Anatomy. Her song "A bitter song" was made famous by that show. Here, have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6gASIf6h5k&feature=related I really recommend you take some time to get to know this very talented artist.

Like most shows you expect to see the opening artists each take their turn on stage and then the main even starts. The lights dropped soon after 7:30. In the small venue you could barely make out the forms taking their places on stage. Slowly the lights turned back on and a gentle melody began to fill the theater. Beautiful vocals joined the acoustics and before I could realize what was happening Sarah Mclachlan was standing center stage. I looked to my friend beside me in utter shock to see the main act starting the show. After melting the crowd with her angelic voice for a few songs she introduced her "backup singers" and to everyone's surprise these two talented singers turned out to be the opening acts (Butterfly and Melissa Mclelland) Each women took center stage in turn, backed by the band and Sarah herself, sharing the artwork of their souls with the audience. Despite the power of these artists I found myself drifting back to watching Sarah sing. Using the word angelic does not come close to describing her presence on stage. This woman feels music in a way that no one else does. If you watch closely her body, specifically her hands, glide with the music in a way that feels as though they are an extension of her voice.

I have many favorite moments from that show (personally this was my favorite concert to date.) "Possession" was the first Sarah Mclachlan song that I had ever heard. I fell in love with this haunting melody it right away, however not being very experienced in life I truly didn't understand the words until my early twenties. It is far from a romantic song, it takes you through an emotional journey that I can only describe as erotically perverse. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEF1Pl5YXKw&feature=fvsr) Of course not all her songs are for the stalker in you, some are filled with love stories as well as "divorce" stories. The journey is diverse and so enjoyable to follow. As a huge fan it was amazing to hear old favorites like "tears of endearment" and "ice cream" and new favorites like "loving you is easy."

Esthetically the stage was simple but beautiful. There was an amazing family feeling to the band and other acts. You felt a genuine affection among them. I highly recommend seeing Sarah if you ever get the chance. I leave you a snippet of her show in Boston with one of Butterfly's songs as well as the two opening acts performing a few songs. Enjoy, and happy trails.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8UFL_PKTeE&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNF1W1b-KD4&feature=related