Pensive

I had a long walk tonight that gave me the option to think. To think about life and the people in it. It was a time for some self reflection and examination. Do you want to know what my most prominent thought was....

how much I could totally getting eaten by zombies... wtf?

Happy Pride

Evening from the fish bowl. Another invigorating day at the office has almost come to an end. Almost "hump" day, frankly my most pitifully day. I can't help but look forward to the end of the week and the hope of a sunny weekend.

Divers/Cite has just begun and I am feeling mixed emotions. Up until this year I have been the queen of pride and all the celebrations included in that. I march, I sing, honestly I couldn`t get more gay around pride time. This year though, not so much. I think divers/cite is a waste of time and couldn`t really be bothered. I`m not even marching this year as I have decided to take the high road and drink till I can`t walk straight.

Pride this year, as with every year, marks my anniversary of coming out. August 3, 2008 will make my 6 years of being out and proud. I remember celebrating this day being a big deal for me. It was a re-affirmation of my sexuality! It meant taking back my rights and my freedom to be proud about who I was. To me, it was a change to be really "out" for a few days a year. I don`t feel like I need that anymore. I don`t think I could get more out in my every day life then I already am. My sexuality doesn`t rule me, I`m me, my sexuality doesn`t define who Cory is. Yes, I`m still proud of it, but screaming it down St-Catherine street isn`t necessary anymore.

So here's my question so any of you reading this: Do you celebrate your coming out? Do people even come out anymore? Let me know.

mercy me

I`ve tried to write this last blog entry a few times now. Its been busy and things have been on the up and down. I feel like I have so much to say that nothing wants to come out. I think that has something to do with my migraines. My head is so full that I cant seem to think and the pressure is almost nauseating. Sunday I hurt so much my eyes watered and couldn't take the light. I feel more and more stressed to the point where I feel like I`m falling into a hole. I have been feeling overwhelmed. (you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just me whelmed?)
I feel out of control and out of my mind and there isn't much I seem to be able to do. I don't feel like I am fitting anywhere and I feel more alone then I have ever felt. I`m feeling more lonely then I have ever felt. The worst part is I don't really want people around other then a select few. I`m always tired and cant remember the last time I slept well.
Fuck I feel like a piece of crap! I'm sorry people. You should disregard this whole message. I`m giving you all a get out of jail free card, go on take it. I`ll be better next time, I promise...

Stone Butch Blues

It is another slow day within the walls of visa. Its Canada Day and I`m working in a nearly empty call center. I spent the evening in the village with some 3 friends, one love and lots of beer. I walked up and down the now closed streets before dinner and generally people watched until it was time for dinner. The village has so many faces and so many styles. I used to go to the viallge and see people who dont look at all like me. I used to feel like I was the only butch, the only masculine lesbian in the city. Slowly I`m seeing peeople who are butches, who could easily be misidentified as a man.
It all made me think of stone butch blues. It made me think about Jess and the old bulls. It made me think about what makes an old bull? Or a butch, baby dyke or clone? Anyone who knows me, knows I love to make fun of the clones and the cougars.

I have personally defined clones as those 18 to 24 year old girls who wear billabong, element and quicksilver exclusively. They can also be defined by the matching belt, shoes and hat (either baseball or toque depending on the weather.)
Cougars are far more scary but not all that stealthy in their poodle shirts. They are easily spotted as they always travel in pairs. They stalk their pray without much grace and wear mismatch clothing, with little regard for style.
I don`t know if I really know any old bulls. Most of the older dyke's I meet are cougars and frankly I don't stick around too long around them. I wish there were older dyke's we can look up to. I miss seeing a dyke in a suit or wearing a Fedora. I want to see "the nod" when I walk down the street and know that someone else has walked this road. I want to feel like i`m a part of something bigger then little old me. I love being a dyke and a king, I wouldn't trade that for the world...