"I want you to notice/When I'm not around/You're so fucking special/I wish I was special/

Afternoon gentle viewers. As always I apologize for the time between posts. Life continues to be busy. But fear not, inspiration is always lurking around the corner.

It's been an amazing few months. I have had the opportunity to be featured in the Montreal Gazette, have helped lead 250 employees (friends and family) down Rene Levesque Boulevard in our annual pride parade (in 40 degree heat so I may have been hallucinating and really marched up and down my living room, no one will ever know.) Outside of my awesome little bubble the world continues to turn and I hope for the best. As marriage equality has finally hit the United States I am glad that my queer counterparts now enjoy the same rights we have for the last 10 years. Although they may have a few kinks to work out, they are well ok their way.

Despite the advances in LGBT rights that we have seen it's disappointing to see the lack of education and awareness around two of those lovely letter of the LGBT rainbow: bisexuality and transgender. Both very different, one considered the "invisible" member of the pack and the other (more often than not) quite visible but not accepted. Both of these touch my life quite closely, in different ways, and it hurts to know that pain people under these umbrellas face. As someone who is very out, so much so I can't hide my sexuality, I literally wear it on my sleeve I feel for those who have to come out over and over again. Bisexuality isn't a faze yet there are those who treat it as such - a stop on the way to boy/girl town. It's viewed at times as a not really existing. Coming out for me was a proud moment and one I don't shy away from, but I don't have to do it every day, my outward appearance does it for me. I feel for you my friends who have to...

Trans rights are something I am passionate about. Despite not being trans I do for on the more "out there" gender scale so I get a taste of their reality. You are strong souls who are often misunderstood. There is still so much education that needs to be done in their field. People die daily for just being themselves. As someone that has had to defend my use of a woman's bathroom on occasion I don't know how I can't handle that 24/7. Standing with you to fight and educate is an honour.

I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by such a strong support system, both in and out of work. So if you are someone in that circle, thank you for letting me be me!

Until next time, be safe and be well.

Sing to me something strong, sad and delicate

I haven't written in a while and I am sorry for that. Its amazing how life gets away from you and how quickly time passes. I am going to try and write more, for whatever few of you are still reading. For those of you, thank you for hanging on.

I always have a hard time coming up with a topic after a long time away from writing, I think that is the reason I stay away so long. Its amazing where inspiration can come from.

What makes us brave? Or strong? Or more so what happens when that is taken away. Bravery comes in all different shapes and sizes. Its big and its little, its mighty and its weak.  Bravery is in the little gestures and overcoming small hurdles that feel like mountains. Its what gets us out of the bed when all we want to do is give in and give up. 

There are those who's battle between bravery and fear is a constant reality. Its a life where one moment you feel fine and the next your whole world is crumpling around you. It is like walking around like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the smallest thing that can set us off. Imagine living your life in such a way that bravery was your only option. 

Those who live that life have survived only through a series of coping mechanisms mixed in with some embarrassing freak outs and uncomfortable attacks. Its not something anyone would want to experience, yet alone on a weekly or daily basis. Bravery isn't reserved for the hero's out there. It is regularly practised by the invisible and the quiet. Because without it they may not survive. 

"A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life." - Oscar Whilde

This post has been floating through my head for months now. I have tried to write in so many times and it has taken so many different looks in that time. None have left me satisfied with the work and have all been discarded for that perfect dream post. I decided that what I want to say has to be free flowing, not planned out. So here goes, enjoy and as always I hope this finds you happy, health and safe.

My tie... To some its a stylish accessory, to others it is a restricting piece of material they loath to wear and cannot wait to remove. To me, that thin strip of cloth has so much power. I know, I know, how could a tie command so much awe and reverie? If you have to ask you may not understand the rest of this post. I will try create a clear picture for you.

                                                           

A tie, in the right hands, can make me throw my hands up in the hair and give up. It can leave me distracted and lost in less than appropriate thoughts. There are two scenarios that will guarantee my resolve (and quite possibly my sanity) will likely leave me high and dry! (ahem) A woman, feminine by nature, in a tie will win any argument, disagreement or challenge. My knees grow weak, my breathe hitches and I am forever lost in thought. Its just that simple. I have found that even when I find myself wearing a tie I am not safe from their manipulation and prowess. My ties are worn as a badge of honor, a sign of strength and power. However they can be used against me. Just the simple motion of straightening and/or adjusting my tie is enough to turn me to mush and essentially leave me to their whim and fancy. Its a cruel turn of fate.

                                     

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I am wearing my fabulous garment I found I have my own way to take control. If you catch a woman in just that right moment, the simply adjusting of my tie, loosening it or untying completely has the potential of reducing woman to the same mush mentioned above. What I have also learned is that straight males have no idea this trick exists so the power remains in the hands of the righteous. 

All this to say there are a few rules you should always follow.

1) Never trust a butch in a tie, they could be lurking around any corner.

2) Butches, always be wary of a femme anywhere near or wearing a tie, they are nothing but trouble.

3) Straight men, get a clue :P

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame

Evening gentle viewers. Its a cold, dark evening hereand I hope this finds you happy, healthy, loved and above all safe.

I watched a bizarrely entertaining movie that has inspired me to write today. I saw Cloud Atlas and I am still struggling to understand how I feel about it. I walked out feeling puzzled... depressed... but inspired none the less. Take a moment to watch the trailer (Cloud Atlas Trailer).

Having watched the movie I can't help but think about reincarnation and the concept that some of the people that we meet have been around us much longer than we can imagine. In the same retrospect, when out relationship with certain individuals end that connection is severed and will never be rekindled. We have all felt, in meeting someone, that we have known that person before. We feel that instant connection right from first contact. We feel a pull that can only come from a place where we have built a relationship. Or does it? Could we explain this bond simply by having a great deal in common with this individual or simply "clicking?" It's difficult to really explain this connection, just as difficult as it is to prove past lives exist. Have we experienced this world in another time and place? Even more so, could those previous experiences frame our choices and reactions in this life? It's interesting to think we can carry residual energies from another life.

So what does that mean in reference to our present interactions and relationships. I find it difficult to believe that we meet anyone by luck or chance. The worlds population is so big for all this to be random. I truly believe that those around us are meant to be in our lives for at least a certain amount of time. They influence us in many different ways and in varying degrees. We learn from them and them from us. When we meet the person and find ourselves instantly connecting with the. I feel that there must be a reason behind that connection. Be it in the physical attraction, the emotional connection or a profound sense of knowing that person, something tells you that this bond is based on something deeper.

Please don't think that I have some deluded idea that there is some bearded man sitting on a cloud moving us all through time and space like cosmic chess pieces. I do however think that life is somewhat like a "name your own adventure" book where our path changes based on choices and our interlocking relationships are part of that path. We may be meant to cross paths, it just may not be for many lifetimes. But I truly look forward to that moment when our pathes do cross....

“Our lives are not our own, we are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

Some day, when I'm awfully low/When the world is cold/I will feel a glow just thinking of you/And the way you look tonight

Good evening to you all. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. I wanted to take a moment to send out a huge thank you to those who read, commented and shared my post about Michele. It meant a lot that I could share why she was so important to so many of us. Pain shared is pain lessened.

So what could I possibly talk about today? Well I am presently in the early days of an incredibly fun detox (insert sarcasm) that I do twice a year, so I feel its appropriate to talk about something that would bring me happiness (because food sure isn't) love.

I have thought a lot about the subject. Its a word we use loosely with acquaintances, it can be something we only whisper during a private moment or the ultimate goal in life. Love is what you make of it. It isn't wrong, its isn't always easy to come by and it is absolutely something to cherish.

So what does it take to find love? Our standards are so different. Not everyone gives or receives love so easily. Hell, not everyone believes love exists. Love, in my humble opinion, doesn't happen over night. Yes I truly believe that you can feel this deep connection with someone right from the onset however love is something that grows over time. Love is knowing someone, the good and the bad, and accepting them. Love is that moment where you know you could live without them, but wouldn't want to even if your life depended o it. It just works.

Now don't get me wrong. Love is not perfect. It isn't always hugs and puppies by any means. We all fight, say stupid things or get grumpy because of a silly detox and sugar cravings. (Good god save me!!) It's completely normal. Love doesn't happen when or with whom you would expect. You can't force yourself or anyone else to love. You never know when that love bug will bite. All you can do is hang on for dear life and hope it all works out.

All this to say, my only advice, don't fight love. Its a cold, hard world out there and its much more fun to face it with someone else. Like I said, a pain shared is a pain lessened.

As always, be good to yourselves, keep your head up and dance your ass off!

I'm gonna live my life/ Like every day's the last/ Without a simple goodbye/ It all goes by so fast

Good evening gentle viewers. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. It's late here in my little bubble and I find sleep something I that alludes me tonight. It's been a busy few weeks and it seems my brain just won't power down this evening. I have been wrestling with many blog posts these last weeks. Since baring everything for my "coming out" post I have found it difficult to commit to writing. Well that was until tonight it seems.

As the clock ticks closer to midnight and a new day, I am left reflecting on loss. And I know I am not the only one doing that. Tonight, a handful of friends and colleagues are doing the same. For a few of us September 28th is a day that will forever be engraved in our minds. Despite the 4 years that we have seen passed, this is a wound that will never heal. This day only amplifies the pain and reminds us of what was lost. We are also reminded that life is precious and that we should value each breath. We, collectively, try to pass on the same message and influence the world in the way that it was done before the tragic loss 4 short years ago.

Grief is a twisted emotion. It is the physical equivalent to being run through with a sword. It is subjective to each one who feels it. Some contain the feelings and move through its stages with the appearance (however often not the reality of) ease. Others must share the pain in order to recover from the turmoil within. Neither reaction is wrong and both are completely natural. No matter what our coping entails what truly defines our perseverance is how we rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. It's how we use our grief to change the world around us for the positive. It is how we never forget our fallen.

I never use the name of a "real life" person that I refer to within the hallowed walls of this blog. I choose to do so based on privacy and respect for those I work with or spend time with. My one exception has been and will always be Michele. Her name deserves its place in the history that is our lives. We will always spend September 28th remembering the loss and deal with our grief. However we who use the other 364 days to celebrate her life, her message and do our best to continue to positively change the world as we know it. She will always live on in our memories and our hearts. Her story will continue to be written just now with a different pen and on many different pieces of paper. The memory of her laugh, smile and passion will remain forever. Her legacy will live on.

So tonight I emplore you to do a few simple things...

Live and love like today is your last...
Do not wait for the world to change you, you have the power to change everything you set you mind to. Change can be contagious.
Do not let fear get in the way of your happiness 
And always smile, you never know who is watching

Michele, wherever you are, we love you and miss you. Shake that little bum bum for us...

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die. 

Hear me now here and now/I’m calling Memories wear me out/And this seems too complicated/When all I want is a part of you

I am not sure why I wanted to write this as much as I seem to want to. I have a feeling this came to life to share some side of my soul. I may not always be as open as people around me may want. As much as I am out and not shy about my sexuality I feel like there is a part of me that will always remain hidden. There are those that only pretend to understand and others that think they do, but don't.

I am not always eloquent enough to put this into words. I have chosen a few things that may help clarify my point. Maybe it will make things more clear or maybe it will muddy the waters even more. To those this is meant for, I know you know who you are...
(Links highlighted in bold)

Butch/Boi and loving it - Baby Butch: A Love Letter from the Future
In today's day and age it's a general rule that no one wants to be stereotyped or pigeonholed. However, we all have a need or desire to belong. Throughout my 30 years on this planet I have never felt as close a connection than to that of my butch brethren. I love the connection between a butch and a femme (or a feminine woman.) I appreciate the dynamic they have. The sway of a woman, the way she completes her butch partner, the way she, and only she, can sooth the darkness you feel. I see how some men treat women today and I can do nothing but cringe. Open a door once and a while! Treat her not only with respect but reverence. 
Why the above video speaks to me so personally is because so many people have lost any notion of that dynamic. They may be a "butch/femme" couple but have no understanding of what that signifies and that a twisted and horrific past has given us this privileged life. So few people know that being butch is far more then the way you dress. Its in the way you walk, its in a firm proud hand shake, its in how you love the woman you are with and how your understand her boundaries and she understands yours. Its in understanding the power you can wield in both your words and actions. To quote Buffy (and oddly I really think this works) "It's like, it's like flirting in code. It's using body language and laughing at the right jokes and, and looking into her eyes and knowing she's still whispering to you, even when she's not saying a word. And that sense that if you can just touch her, just once, everything will be okay for both of you." (everything can be solved by Buffy) 


This piece moves me on so many levels. Not only does it explore the relationship between butch and femme but it also looks closely at the idea of not fitting into the world around you. When I go to the grocery store, riding the metro, using a restroom, generally living my life, I am always scrutinized closely. Am I man? A woman? A dyke? A threat? What am I... That's what the world is thinking. Its difficult to let anyone see how vulnerable you get in those situations let alone "save you" and that is why we build walls. Those walls that protect us sometimes come between us and our loved ones. It keeps the world out but also doesn't let any of the good in. It takes a strong and patient soul to bring us out from that dark place which makes us love those kind souls even more. I don't think I could say it better than this: To all the kick ass femmes out there, because you make us feel whole again.


Creating a path that someday may be followed - So The Story Goes

When I came to terms with the fact that I was gay it was a very difficult passage. When I began to question my sexuality I soon found that there was no where to turn. Information was scarce and the concept was still a mystery to me. I went to a dark place where I did nothing but wallow in what was and what wasn't. I had no idea what my new world was going to be or whether I would be welcomed now that I became an "other." It was 3 months of being lost, unsure where to turn or what options I had. 3 months of wondering if my family and friends would disown me (which was a very real possibility.) I had no place to look to, no one who had taken this path that I knew. I felt very much alone. After I came out I vowed that if I could make life easier for one person, if one person could look at me and say, "If she can do it I can do it," then every negative experience, threat, attack or slur has been for a good reason. And maybe one day someone will look to me as an elder and I had help them down that path we all call life.

Today, on my 10 year anniversary of coming out, I want to dedicate this post to those past, present and future who have helped mold me into the queer woman I am today and will continue to grow to be.

To the few people who I know have held me up all those years, you let me be vulnerable. Thanks you.
To those queer soldiers who make this world better and try to educate everyone (Ivan Coyote, Sapphogrrl, S. Bear Bergman) it is likely I will never meet you but you have all changed my life, and make the world a better place, thank you for continuing this struggle.
To those close to me at work, who may not always understand my plight, but listen, give productive feedback and keep me sane. You are an amazing group of people.
Those kind souls from Tip of the Tongue I met when I was a baby butch. You showed me the way and gave me a great idea of who I wanted to grow into.
Finally, to those I keep closest. I know you know who you are (and if you don't I need to tell you more.) I love you, cherish you, appreciate your friendship and your support. You help me continue to fight.

To those new baby dykes and femmes out there.... don't ever give up, you will change the world!