Evening gentle readers. Its the wee hours of the morning again. This seems to be my key time to write about the days or weeks events. The end of 2008 is approaching in a few short days and the vast unknown of 2009 is right around the corner. Who knows what the next year will bring.
I had the opportunity to see Milk in theaters this past weekend. I had high hopes for the movie and was beyond pleased. I felt such a profound connection with the story and the characters. There is so much that we all owe to our bothers and sisters who fought for the rights that we take advantage of. The stonewall riots and the riots throughout the mid to late 70`s in San Fransisco have paved the way for all of us to have more or less the same rights as hetero couples. People like Harvey Milk, kept the right wing religious factions from turning us into second class citizens with amendments like Prop 6 (sponsored by John Briggs, a conservative state legislator from Orange County, the failed initiative would have banned gays and lesbians, and possibly anyone who supported gay rights, from working in California's public schools. The Briggs Initiative was the first failure in a conservative movement that started with the successful campaign headed by Anita Bryant and her organization Save Our Children in Dade County, Florida to repeal a local gay rights ordinance.) Queer brothers and sisters of the 70`s fought will bloody fists to inform and educate the American population about the atrocities that the queer population had to endure. Using his "come out, come out, wherever you are" slogan he asks queers around the world to come out of the closet and let those that loved them know that they were gay and proud. This is turn allowed people across America the realization that these laws directly affected those near to them. I watched the scenes of riots and mobilization and wish I could have been a part of that movement. To have been able to see and make a difference for those who will come after me. I wish I could have felt that energy.
I leave you with a news clip of the reports following Harvey Milk`s assassination and the vigil that followed. If that doesn't make you stand up for what you believe in, nothing will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkN8OZQ0EK8
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Somewhere in her smiles she knows, that I dont need no other lover
Evening gentle readers. It is 3am and I find myself drawn to writing in the darkness of my room on this cold winter night. The room is dark other then the light from my computer and the gentle hum of The Beatles sings to me.
I`m feeling a little controversial this early morning. It is a subject I have had in mind and ranted about on more then one occasion. As a very open, gay women in a predominantly hetero workplace sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Its easy to be caught up in the attention that one receives from straight women and at the same time it can loose you. I cannot count the times I have been called the perfect man/boyfriend/partner if only I were male. I don't really think I can be flattered by these compliments any more then I would be happy being the runner up in an election. Why are gay woman the secondary cast and never the stunning lead? We are the safe alternative, the ones who can be flirted with because we are safe and in no way a threat. Its safe because things wont go too far and you cant or wont be called easy for flirting with another women. Its almost as if its a game, to prove that they are indeed have the ability to attract men and also women. It makes me feel used and dirty to realize that this goes on. It makes me feel objectified... and lonely.
The year 2008 is almost at a close. I`ve finished the year a few steps ahead of where I was last time around. I`ve got a few new questions and a few new headaches. I just want to keep moving upwards and I promise I`ll keep writing. I hope you`ll come along for the ride.
I`m feeling a little controversial this early morning. It is a subject I have had in mind and ranted about on more then one occasion. As a very open, gay women in a predominantly hetero workplace sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Its easy to be caught up in the attention that one receives from straight women and at the same time it can loose you. I cannot count the times I have been called the perfect man/boyfriend/partner if only I were male. I don't really think I can be flattered by these compliments any more then I would be happy being the runner up in an election. Why are gay woman the secondary cast and never the stunning lead? We are the safe alternative, the ones who can be flirted with because we are safe and in no way a threat. Its safe because things wont go too far and you cant or wont be called easy for flirting with another women. Its almost as if its a game, to prove that they are indeed have the ability to attract men and also women. It makes me feel used and dirty to realize that this goes on. It makes me feel objectified... and lonely.
The year 2008 is almost at a close. I`ve finished the year a few steps ahead of where I was last time around. I`ve got a few new questions and a few new headaches. I just want to keep moving upwards and I promise I`ll keep writing. I hope you`ll come along for the ride.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving what I've done
Evening gentle readers. I find myself more and more drawn to writing but at the same time feeling more and more tired which in turn makes me less likely to write. (confusing I know) Its been none the less busy for the last week. And owing to the fact that christmas is a week away, it does not seem all to likely that it will calm down any time soon.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Fear Is What You Pay For Adventure
Evening ladies and gents. Its another night here in the fist bowl. I have been M.I.A for the last week or so and I apologize for the absence. I`m rounding the final turn of my 26th year of existence and the big day has me feeling a little unsure. The last year has certainly been the roller coaster ride of my life.
First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.
Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.
And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.
I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...
First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.
Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.
And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.
I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Trans Day of Rememberance
Well, its been a rough few days here. My kidneys have decided to kick me in the face again, and I am faced with another load of antibiotics. I`ve gotten used to this torment but seem to forget how crappy it can be when I`m not well. But who needs to hear about my kidneys.
Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.
I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!
I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?
In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?
On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...
Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.
I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!
I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?
In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?
On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
united states of whatever
I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
cheap and chearful
Afternoon from the fish bowl. I had a whole blog post written in my head yesterday but once I arrived home I didn’t have the energy or drive to write anything. So I did what all good lazy people do, I watched Buffy until the wee hours of the morning. But I digress. So this is the post that should have been brought to life yesterday, sit back and enjoy.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.
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