Evening ladies and gents. Its another night here in the fist bowl. I have been M.I.A for the last week or so and I apologize for the absence. I`m rounding the final turn of my 26th year of existence and the big day has me feeling a little unsure. The last year has certainly been the roller coaster ride of my life.
First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.
Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.
And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.
I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Trans Day of Rememberance
Well, its been a rough few days here. My kidneys have decided to kick me in the face again, and I am faced with another load of antibiotics. I`ve gotten used to this torment but seem to forget how crappy it can be when I`m not well. But who needs to hear about my kidneys.
Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.
I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!
I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?
In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?
On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...
Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.
I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!
I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?
In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?
On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
united states of whatever
I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
cheap and chearful
Afternoon from the fish bowl. I had a whole blog post written in my head yesterday but once I arrived home I didn’t have the energy or drive to write anything. So I did what all good lazy people do, I watched Buffy until the wee hours of the morning. But I digress. So this is the post that should have been brought to life yesterday, sit back and enjoy.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
going through the motions...
It was the best of times… all the best lines are already taken. Evening from the fish bowl. It is a beyond quiet night here and I`m loosing my mind from boredom and frankly all I want is to be on vacation.
I`m looking forward to a 4 day work week followed by 11 wonderful days on vacation. I`m also looking forward to being able to relax and not think of work or any stresses. And I am secretly happy to have my partner in crime, my AMN, back tomorrow to make work a little more exciting.
What to discuss that isn`t in the fish bowl? Something queer perhaps? Something different and new?
I`ve been posting a small bit on a forum I`ve been a part of for 5 years now and they have been asking some interesting questions that I would like to address here.
Someone had written a post about "cuddle buddies," as opposed to "Fuck buddies." This actually got me thinking. How much is physical affection (between either friends or lovers) important to you. I am a very affectionate person. I say with pride that I`m bringing hugs back to RBC. When I enter work I stop at about 4 or 5 friends desks to give them a hello hug (or goodbye hug if they are leaving.) Now I don’t go around hugging everyone I work with, just a special few. But I do "high five," "fist punch" etc several people. I think affection among friends is important. When you are having a horrible day and are feeling low, just a simple hug will make anyone feel better. In a job like this where you can be verbally attacked and mentally drained at any point, the slight idea that someone both understands you and is willing to take the time to share a little affection, this goes a long way. I like the fact that there are other people here who feel the same way as I do. Affection is an important part of bonding and it states a close friendship and trust between individuals. A hug is comfort and consoling, its warm and reassurance. I like that I can have this when I need a boost during the day.
Outside the fish bowl, I`m the same way. I still hug and show affection without really thinking about other peoples reactions. (Limited PDA though, I draw that line.) When I`m watching a movie from the couch, I`m a big fan of cuddling and being affectionate, that’s just me.
So what about you? Are you a cuddler?
I`m looking forward to a 4 day work week followed by 11 wonderful days on vacation. I`m also looking forward to being able to relax and not think of work or any stresses. And I am secretly happy to have my partner in crime, my AMN, back tomorrow to make work a little more exciting.
What to discuss that isn`t in the fish bowl? Something queer perhaps? Something different and new?
I`ve been posting a small bit on a forum I`ve been a part of for 5 years now and they have been asking some interesting questions that I would like to address here.
Someone had written a post about "cuddle buddies," as opposed to "Fuck buddies." This actually got me thinking. How much is physical affection (between either friends or lovers) important to you. I am a very affectionate person. I say with pride that I`m bringing hugs back to RBC. When I enter work I stop at about 4 or 5 friends desks to give them a hello hug (or goodbye hug if they are leaving.) Now I don’t go around hugging everyone I work with, just a special few. But I do "high five," "fist punch" etc several people. I think affection among friends is important. When you are having a horrible day and are feeling low, just a simple hug will make anyone feel better. In a job like this where you can be verbally attacked and mentally drained at any point, the slight idea that someone both understands you and is willing to take the time to share a little affection, this goes a long way. I like the fact that there are other people here who feel the same way as I do. Affection is an important part of bonding and it states a close friendship and trust between individuals. A hug is comfort and consoling, its warm and reassurance. I like that I can have this when I need a boost during the day.
Outside the fish bowl, I`m the same way. I still hug and show affection without really thinking about other peoples reactions. (Limited PDA though, I draw that line.) When I`m watching a movie from the couch, I`m a big fan of cuddling and being affectionate, that’s just me.
So what about you? Are you a cuddler?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
If my heart could beat it would break my chest
Evening from the fish bowl. Its an average night here at RBC and I can`t help but feel grumpy as all hell today. I slept horribly last night and wouldn`t have slept at all if I hadn`t given up and taken gravol. The short version is that I`m a bitch today.
I am feeling really lonely of late. Since I am newly on a schedule of 3:15 to 11:15 and I miss the sunlight. I am so used to looking out of the fish bowl and seeing the sun as opposed to seeing the night sky. As well I now work Sunday to Thursday so I loose the joys of full weekends off. So with the new schedule I don`t seems to see anyone anymore. Its too late to talk to anyone and the only interaction I seem to have is with the cats.
I just generally feel shitty today...
I am feeling really lonely of late. Since I am newly on a schedule of 3:15 to 11:15 and I miss the sunlight. I am so used to looking out of the fish bowl and seeing the sun as opposed to seeing the night sky. As well I now work Sunday to Thursday so I loose the joys of full weekends off. So with the new schedule I don`t seems to see anyone anymore. Its too late to talk to anyone and the only interaction I seem to have is with the cats.
I just generally feel shitty today...
Monday, October 20, 2008
Video of the Week
My new favorite queer couples in a fab tribute:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VXGp2zjduY&feature=related
sleep now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VXGp2zjduY&feature=related
sleep now
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