They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy They can say, they can say I've lost my mind I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy We can live in a world that we design

I used a public bathroom tonight. I know that sounds like the most uninteresting fact I could share. And yet I did. I haven’t used this public bathroom in years. I would say the last time I used this bathroom was easily 6 or 7 years ago. It seems so long ago. 

As I walked the wet streets downtown I thought about the last time I was here. Middle of a bustling city, thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. I remember using the forum bathroom countless times. Always so afraid of what I would be facing me as I interned the bathroom. I have used so many techniques to survive this endeavour. Take off my jacket, lose the hat, use the bathroom when no one is looking, yep I have done them all. I have even used the men’s room in hopes of saving embarrassment or violence. I’ve learned how to survive these situations. 

And now I am here. 6 or 7 years later. Leaving a work event. I’ve changed. So many things have happened in the time since I graced these halls and yet I feel exactly like I did all those years ago. 

How could I let myself fall into the same problem? Here I am without all my armour. I am normally far better at protecting myself in situation like this. I am normally smart enough to think ahead and yet here I am, cold, damp and lost. Amazing how much life can change and stay the same. I have perfected the art of shielding myself and yet I realize I forgot to pack the essentials. 

I’m strong. I’m tough. I can divide myself into parts where each section feels what I let it feel. But tonight, tonight after some wine and not nearly enough food I don’t know how to control each meticulously separated part of me. The injured, scared part of me that I have long hidden from most people has peeked his head out and I am struggling to send it back to where it has been all these years. 

I truly hate this vulnerability right now. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. But it made me sick to my stomach waiting for something bad to happen. It didn’t. Thankfully. I wasn’t ready or even a little prepared for it tonight. 

There is nothing more terrifying then the idea that you could be destroyed in the simplest of moments....

Its the end of the world as we know it.

Well I am breaking out of hibernation for this one people. As always I hope this finds you well and safe in your little corner of the world. It’s been a little while I know. I was a little busy getting married and neglected my writing. Now with that done (happily) I am back and will aim to write more for you.

Over the years I have told you about my coming out, I’ve recapped shows with fantastic LGBT characters and I have ranted, oh have I ranted, about our portrayal (or lack thereof) in mainstream media. When trying to understand myself I remember looking to TV and film to find people like me. People who were going through the same thing as I was. People facing the same reality as I. When I was a wee baby dyke with nowhere to turn I fell on a website that changed my life.  Afterellen.com (or TV and Film girl as it was called way way WAY back) was my Mecca. It was the place of my dreams. Back then it followed the few gay characters that existed for us to live vicariously through as well as provided an interactive message board that allowed like minded people to meet, share experiences and bond over the constant death of our most cherished characters (a trend that hasn’t slowed sadly.) Through Afterellen.com we grew with the characters we saw in movies and TV. When they came out it helped give us the courage and comfort to do the same.  We bonded over loss, celebrated victories, some small and some not so small and became friends, all within the hallowed digital walls of Afterellen.com.

Over the years Afterellen has grown from a small communal website to an entertainment powerhouse. It became the place for entertainment information. It launched the careers of comedians, vloggers, bloggers and introduced us to queer characters from around the world. We own Afterellen for Bridget Mcmanus and Julie Goldman amoung many others. In one site we could learn about the latest TV character, read a piece on a political movement and vote for our favorite celebrity. It covered every possible subject you could need.

Today, it was announced that as of this Friday it would be shutting down and closing. A site that has run for more than 12 years and had changed so many lives is saying goodbye. We have mourned so many lesbian character deaths this year that this only seems like a fitting, albeit sad, end for us to face. We are all in shock. What’s worse is that it’s being shut down because it’s not making as much money for the company that now owns it would like. Sadly it’s the end of an era.

Afterellen will be gone soon, but what it’s leaving behind is a true testament to the power of this site. On top of the fact that it helped me discover myself all those years back, it’s left me some amazing friends that I still talk to today. We have all grown so much since that site first launched. We have seen one another get married, have kids, move across the world, come out and so much more. We have been there to witness one another’s achievements and been able to celebrate each and every one in time. Thanks to Facebook we have been able to stay close when the message boards stopped working years back and have been able to stay connected all these years.

I cherished this friendship so much. With the exception of two people in Toronto I have never had the honor of meeting any of my Afterellen friends in person, something I hope I can change in the future. These are people I value so much and appreciate their friendship in turn. Life would not be as fun without them.

So Kirsty, Sharon, Sonia, Kris, Kel and Rachelle here’s to life Afterellen.

Cory A.K.A Soupie

 (The only Afterelleners I have had the pleasure of meeting.)

A lot can happen in a week

Rage against the dying of the light

RIP

• Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34.
• Stanley Almodovar III, 23.
• Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20.
• Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22.
• Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36.
• Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22.
• Luis S. Vielma, 22.
• Kimberly Morris, 37.
• Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30.
• Darryl Roman Burt II, 29.
• Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32.
• Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21.
• Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25.
• Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35.
• Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50.
• Amanda Alvear, 25.
• Martin Benitez Torres, 33.
• Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37.
• Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26.
• Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35.
• Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25.
• Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31.
• Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26.
• Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25.
• Miguel Angel Honorato, 30.
• Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40.
• Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32.
• Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19.
• Cory James Connell, 21.
• Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37.
• Luis Daniel Conde, 39.
• Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33.
• Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25.
• Jerald Arthur Wright, 31.
• Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25.
• Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25.
• Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24.
• Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27.
• Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33.
• Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49.
• Yilmary Rodriguez Sulivan, 24.
• Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32.
• Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28.
• Frank Hernandez, 27.
• Paul Terrell Henry, 41.
• Antonio Davon Brown, 29.
• Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24.
• Akyra Monet Murray, 18.

Their tears are filling up their glasses/No expression, no expression/Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow/No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Well I've been working on some nice happy stuff for you gentle readers but to be honest the world right now has me far too upset to write about happy things. What's going on in the United States has made me angry plain and simple. So much so, that I needed to get my thoughts out today.

When the United States passed marriage equality in 2015 I, like many of you, felt that this would usher in a new era of acceptance for the country. I didn't expect it to happen right away (we all expected there would be kickbacks) nor did I expect it to go as smoothly as us Canadians handled it over 15 years ago. However what’s happening now is both sickening and frightening. In case you are unclear of what I am talking about let me shed some light.

North Carolina:

Thanks to bigoted and dangerous legislation aimed to keep the population "safe" from perverts and child molesters, a law has been passed forcing people to use the bathroom of the gender depicted on their birth certificates. To some of you this may seem logical as you think transgender individuals have birth certificates that represent the correct gender, if only that were really the case. Realistically, to obtain an updated birth certificate, a transgender person is required to have gone through the physician process of changing genders. Which, in reality, comes down to either top surgery, bottom surgery or both? Couple that with extensive hormone treatment that takes a doctor to sign off on (something that can take months or even years) and you have a very expensive bill. Realistically this isn't always something that is affordable and in some cases even wanted. These people are now forced to use a bathroom that is the opposite of their outward gender. And this is law!! Honestly! To make matters worse it's opened the doors to further acts of discrimination where pride flags are now being burned infront of churches that perform gay marriages. I’d hate to think of what comes next...

Mississippi:

Thanks to yet another law from a backward state, businesses are now allowed to refuse service to

LGBT individuals. Yep you read that right. Mississippi just took a giant leap back into the 50's with this one. Who knew they could time travel! Gay, straight, bi, trans, male, female... Can you imagine someone refusing to serve you because of it? It's nothing short of inhuman. It wasn't that long ago that we fought to abolish the same laws based on race. That wasn't okay, why is this?

We find ourselves in a time of great upheaval. It's sickening that a country like the United States can even entertain the notion of discriminatory and homophobic laws that are then voted into existence.

What are we going to do when the first transgender or non-binary person is beaten in North Carolina? Or dies? What's it going to take to turn these laws around? How many people have to speak out? How many businesses have to leave these states? Or cancel concerts and shows? What's it going to take to save lives?

If you think you can't make a difference, think again.  Keep what you have read in mind, talk about it and make sure that no one forgets what's happening in the US and around the world. The minute we "ignore" what’s going on we open the door for such behaviors to spread. Remember that you have no way of knowing how a small action can change the world.

As always, thank you for reading. 

You can't do that on television

Like most of you television has been a huge part of my life. Similar to music, a specific show, episode or moment can transport you right back to the moment it happened and remind you of the feelings felt right then and there. We grew up learning our ABC's from big bird, wanted to be a hero like He-man and never thought you would be as cool as Zach Morris and the gang from Bayside. No matter the generation we all had our favourites that we never missed. As we got older VCR tapes changed into PVR and a whole world of shows became available at the simplest touch. Now we can find out anytime how to get away with murder and who gossiped on gossip girl.

Part of my coming out was thanks to television and the amazing (all be it minimal) queer characters. At the time there were so few gay characters on tv and I soaked up every moment I could. From Williow's endearing and subtle coming out, to the layers of sub-text that needed to be peeled back week after week on Xena, I couldn't get enough of these gay (or gay-ish) characters. When you can't find role models in your everyday life, you look to a place that has always been comforting: the make believe world on television.

And this is why when we ship a character and/or a relationship, we ship hard. We tweet and blog about it. We write fan fiction and create fan art. We not only PVR but we save episodes for months and months and rewatch the 30 seconds worth of tv that represents US! That's what it comes down to, we want to see ourselves and our relationships depicted on tv.

And that's were things get tough. Healthy, well written gay relationships are like the blonde haired virgin in a slasher flick... He or she is destined to die. In the same way you yell at your tv in the hopes that she doesn't go into the house, we all see our queer characters deaths (or breakups) weeks before it happens. And it never fails to happen at the same moment too! That point where the characters are content with each other and you finally feel like you will see a "happily ever after." What it comes down to is, queer characters don't generally last.

Don't believe me? Let's go through some examples. From Tara's death at the hand of a magic bullet (although I think Whedon tried to make it up to us with Kennedy in the final season) on Buffy, to the disastrous love life that surrounds Callie on Greys (Arizona was her soul mate I'm telling you,) to the now cold hearted ending to Lexa and Clarke on the 100 and the now sudden and unexpected death of Denise on the Walking Dead (I quite literally yelled at my tv last night.) Very few shows have done anything good by its gay characters.

There stands a few very small exceptions that belong to canadian programming actually. Lost girl, Being Erica (a must watch really) and Bomb girls (set during World War Two and still did a better job representing the LGBT population than shows today) are just a few shows that have graced the small screen and represented us well.

It's hard to not feel manipulated when your people are represented in such a stereotypical manner and always with a similar pattern to their story. Writers know the impact of a queer pairing can be on ratings. As I said, when we follow something we follow it to the end, which sadly comes way to soon for most couples. We are destined to break up or die (and sometimes break up and then die.) Our road is always the same. What worse is that we fall for this every single time! Without fail we hear or a queer character or couple and rush to see what it's all about. I n the back of our minds we know we shouldn't get our hopes up for that happy ending but we jump in anyway. The possibility of a different outcome is enough to create that bond that brings us back every week. And after our favourite couples demise, we continue watching hoping for new couples to form to fill the gap left from the previous loss. It's a tangled web of tv pain people!

I'm hoping that things get better but reality is we are not likely to see any new changes any time soon. So until then I am going to hang on to my nerdy fanfic where everything always works out.

Until next time, stay safe and happy

I could make you happy/I could make you love me/I could disappear completely/I could be your love song/I could be long gone

Morning gentle viewers, I hope that this finds you happy and healthy and that life continues to take you to the places you dream of. Thanks as always for staying with me on this journey.

I will preposition this post by telling you I am a little touchy these passed few days and I have no doubt that that will bubble over into my writing. So this is my formal apology to you all. I hope you know I still love you all.

Life isn’t always rainbows and puppies and it’s often much more razors and barbed wire. It often doesn’t really show us the big plan until we are waist deep in it. No matter what it leaves us asking why we were put there in the first place.

I can put on a good front most of the time; I can keep my cool, look and sound like the most positive person alive and no one would know any different. People always come to me for advice or to vent and I am always the one to drop everything for them. I notice at the drop of a hat if something is wrong with them, if they have had a bad day or are upset. I give 110% to take care of them, even spend my own money on things that I know will make them feel better. I believe in chivalry, genuine caring and support. But what do I get in return? I am always the one to start conversations, lead the friendship and take care of things. If I don’t message first… radio silence. If I don’t go visit… its days if not weeks before I see them. What it comes down to is that when I need someone, no one is there. And I am tired of it. Every time I give a little of myself to someone it hurts all the more when they let me down. And every once and a while when someone comes along and I think, “Hey they might be different,” well they crash and burn into a fiery oblivion, taking a piece of my heart with them.      

Why do we continue to put ourselves out there only to be pummeled by the universe? What is the point of the pain and the disappointment we feel over and over again? I really wish I knew. I wish I understood what possesses me to care anymore. I just want to leave people to fend for themselves and see just how hard it actually is out there. And after all this I know the reality. I know that I am going to go right back to being their puppet the minute they throw a bone my way. I am inevitably going to continue to be their punching bag because atleast that means I have them around…. Pretty fucked up if you think about it.

So in the end I sit here angry and alone, really tired of all the bullshit. I hurt a lot of late and no one really looks passed the jokes and the forced smile. I kind of wish I was worth that atleast.

Later all. Hoping life is being a bit kinder to you right now. 

"I want you to notice/When I'm not around/You're so fucking special/I wish I was special/

Afternoon gentle viewers. As always I apologize for the time between posts. Life continues to be busy. But fear not, inspiration is always lurking around the corner.

It's been an amazing few months. I have had the opportunity to be featured in the Montreal Gazette, have helped lead 250 employees (friends and family) down Rene Levesque Boulevard in our annual pride parade (in 40 degree heat so I may have been hallucinating and really marched up and down my living room, no one will ever know.) Outside of my awesome little bubble the world continues to turn and I hope for the best. As marriage equality has finally hit the United States I am glad that my queer counterparts now enjoy the same rights we have for the last 10 years. Although they may have a few kinks to work out, they are well ok their way.

Despite the advances in LGBT rights that we have seen it's disappointing to see the lack of education and awareness around two of those lovely letter of the LGBT rainbow: bisexuality and transgender. Both very different, one considered the "invisible" member of the pack and the other (more often than not) quite visible but not accepted. Both of these touch my life quite closely, in different ways, and it hurts to know that pain people under these umbrellas face. As someone who is very out, so much so I can't hide my sexuality, I literally wear it on my sleeve I feel for those who have to come out over and over again. Bisexuality isn't a faze yet there are those who treat it as such - a stop on the way to boy/girl town. It's viewed at times as a not really existing. Coming out for me was a proud moment and one I don't shy away from, but I don't have to do it every day, my outward appearance does it for me. I feel for you my friends who have to...

Trans rights are something I am passionate about. Despite not being trans I do for on the more "out there" gender scale so I get a taste of their reality. You are strong souls who are often misunderstood. There is still so much education that needs to be done in their field. People die daily for just being themselves. As someone that has had to defend my use of a woman's bathroom on occasion I don't know how I can't handle that 24/7. Standing with you to fight and educate is an honour.

I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by such a strong support system, both in and out of work. So if you are someone in that circle, thank you for letting me be me!

Until next time, be safe and be well.

Sing to me something strong, sad and delicate

I haven't written in a while and I am sorry for that. Its amazing how life gets away from you and how quickly time passes. I am going to try and write more, for whatever few of you are still reading. For those of you, thank you for hanging on.

I always have a hard time coming up with a topic after a long time away from writing, I think that is the reason I stay away so long. Its amazing where inspiration can come from.

What makes us brave? Or strong? Or more so what happens when that is taken away. Bravery comes in all different shapes and sizes. Its big and its little, its mighty and its weak.  Bravery is in the little gestures and overcoming small hurdles that feel like mountains. Its what gets us out of the bed when all we want to do is give in and give up. 

There are those who's battle between bravery and fear is a constant reality. Its a life where one moment you feel fine and the next your whole world is crumpling around you. It is like walking around like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the smallest thing that can set us off. Imagine living your life in such a way that bravery was your only option. 

Those who live that life have survived only through a series of coping mechanisms mixed in with some embarrassing freak outs and uncomfortable attacks. Its not something anyone would want to experience, yet alone on a weekly or daily basis. Bravery isn't reserved for the hero's out there. It is regularly practised by the invisible and the quiet. Because without it they may not survive. 

"A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life." - Oscar Whilde

This post has been floating through my head for months now. I have tried to write in so many times and it has taken so many different looks in that time. None have left me satisfied with the work and have all been discarded for that perfect dream post. I decided that what I want to say has to be free flowing, not planned out. So here goes, enjoy and as always I hope this finds you happy, health and safe.

My tie... To some its a stylish accessory, to others it is a restricting piece of material they loath to wear and cannot wait to remove. To me, that thin strip of cloth has so much power. I know, I know, how could a tie command so much awe and reverie? If you have to ask you may not understand the rest of this post. I will try create a clear picture for you.

                                                           

A tie, in the right hands, can make me throw my hands up in the hair and give up. It can leave me distracted and lost in less than appropriate thoughts. There are two scenarios that will guarantee my resolve (and quite possibly my sanity) will likely leave me high and dry! (ahem) A woman, feminine by nature, in a tie will win any argument, disagreement or challenge. My knees grow weak, my breathe hitches and I am forever lost in thought. Its just that simple. I have found that even when I find myself wearing a tie I am not safe from their manipulation and prowess. My ties are worn as a badge of honor, a sign of strength and power. However they can be used against me. Just the simple motion of straightening and/or adjusting my tie is enough to turn me to mush and essentially leave me to their whim and fancy. Its a cruel turn of fate.

                                     

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I am wearing my fabulous garment I found I have my own way to take control. If you catch a woman in just that right moment, the simply adjusting of my tie, loosening it or untying completely has the potential of reducing woman to the same mush mentioned above. What I have also learned is that straight males have no idea this trick exists so the power remains in the hands of the righteous. 

All this to say there are a few rules you should always follow.

1) Never trust a butch in a tie, they could be lurking around any corner.

2) Butches, always be wary of a femme anywhere near or wearing a tie, they are nothing but trouble.

3) Straight men, get a clue :P

Is it getting better? Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now? You got someone to blame

Evening gentle viewers. Its a cold, dark evening hereand I hope this finds you happy, healthy, loved and above all safe.

I watched a bizarrely entertaining movie that has inspired me to write today. I saw Cloud Atlas and I am still struggling to understand how I feel about it. I walked out feeling puzzled... depressed... but inspired none the less. Take a moment to watch the trailer (Cloud Atlas Trailer).

Having watched the movie I can't help but think about reincarnation and the concept that some of the people that we meet have been around us much longer than we can imagine. In the same retrospect, when out relationship with certain individuals end that connection is severed and will never be rekindled. We have all felt, in meeting someone, that we have known that person before. We feel that instant connection right from first contact. We feel a pull that can only come from a place where we have built a relationship. Or does it? Could we explain this bond simply by having a great deal in common with this individual or simply "clicking?" It's difficult to really explain this connection, just as difficult as it is to prove past lives exist. Have we experienced this world in another time and place? Even more so, could those previous experiences frame our choices and reactions in this life? It's interesting to think we can carry residual energies from another life.

So what does that mean in reference to our present interactions and relationships. I find it difficult to believe that we meet anyone by luck or chance. The worlds population is so big for all this to be random. I truly believe that those around us are meant to be in our lives for at least a certain amount of time. They influence us in many different ways and in varying degrees. We learn from them and them from us. When we meet the person and find ourselves instantly connecting with the. I feel that there must be a reason behind that connection. Be it in the physical attraction, the emotional connection or a profound sense of knowing that person, something tells you that this bond is based on something deeper.

Please don't think that I have some deluded idea that there is some bearded man sitting on a cloud moving us all through time and space like cosmic chess pieces. I do however think that life is somewhat like a "name your own adventure" book where our path changes based on choices and our interlocking relationships are part of that path. We may be meant to cross paths, it just may not be for many lifetimes. But I truly look forward to that moment when our pathes do cross....

“Our lives are not our own, we are bound to others, past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.”

Some day, when I'm awfully low/When the world is cold/I will feel a glow just thinking of you/And the way you look tonight

Good evening to you all. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. I wanted to take a moment to send out a huge thank you to those who read, commented and shared my post about Michele. It meant a lot that I could share why she was so important to so many of us. Pain shared is pain lessened.

So what could I possibly talk about today? Well I am presently in the early days of an incredibly fun detox (insert sarcasm) that I do twice a year, so I feel its appropriate to talk about something that would bring me happiness (because food sure isn't) love.

I have thought a lot about the subject. Its a word we use loosely with acquaintances, it can be something we only whisper during a private moment or the ultimate goal in life. Love is what you make of it. It isn't wrong, its isn't always easy to come by and it is absolutely something to cherish.

So what does it take to find love? Our standards are so different. Not everyone gives or receives love so easily. Hell, not everyone believes love exists. Love, in my humble opinion, doesn't happen over night. Yes I truly believe that you can feel this deep connection with someone right from the onset however love is something that grows over time. Love is knowing someone, the good and the bad, and accepting them. Love is that moment where you know you could live without them, but wouldn't want to even if your life depended o it. It just works.

Now don't get me wrong. Love is not perfect. It isn't always hugs and puppies by any means. We all fight, say stupid things or get grumpy because of a silly detox and sugar cravings. (Good god save me!!) It's completely normal. Love doesn't happen when or with whom you would expect. You can't force yourself or anyone else to love. You never know when that love bug will bite. All you can do is hang on for dear life and hope it all works out.

All this to say, my only advice, don't fight love. Its a cold, hard world out there and its much more fun to face it with someone else. Like I said, a pain shared is a pain lessened.

As always, be good to yourselves, keep your head up and dance your ass off!

I'm gonna live my life/ Like every day's the last/ Without a simple goodbye/ It all goes by so fast

Good evening gentle viewers. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and loved. It's late here in my little bubble and I find sleep something I that alludes me tonight. It's been a busy few weeks and it seems my brain just won't power down this evening. I have been wrestling with many blog posts these last weeks. Since baring everything for my "coming out" post I have found it difficult to commit to writing. Well that was until tonight it seems.

As the clock ticks closer to midnight and a new day, I am left reflecting on loss. And I know I am not the only one doing that. Tonight, a handful of friends and colleagues are doing the same. For a few of us September 28th is a day that will forever be engraved in our minds. Despite the 4 years that we have seen passed, this is a wound that will never heal. This day only amplifies the pain and reminds us of what was lost. We are also reminded that life is precious and that we should value each breath. We, collectively, try to pass on the same message and influence the world in the way that it was done before the tragic loss 4 short years ago.

Grief is a twisted emotion. It is the physical equivalent to being run through with a sword. It is subjective to each one who feels it. Some contain the feelings and move through its stages with the appearance (however often not the reality of) ease. Others must share the pain in order to recover from the turmoil within. Neither reaction is wrong and both are completely natural. No matter what our coping entails what truly defines our perseverance is how we rise from the ashes like the Phoenix. It's how we use our grief to change the world around us for the positive. It is how we never forget our fallen.

I never use the name of a "real life" person that I refer to within the hallowed walls of this blog. I choose to do so based on privacy and respect for those I work with or spend time with. My one exception has been and will always be Michele. Her name deserves its place in the history that is our lives. We will always spend September 28th remembering the loss and deal with our grief. However we who use the other 364 days to celebrate her life, her message and do our best to continue to positively change the world as we know it. She will always live on in our memories and our hearts. Her story will continue to be written just now with a different pen and on many different pieces of paper. The memory of her laugh, smile and passion will remain forever. Her legacy will live on.

So tonight I emplore you to do a few simple things...

Live and love like today is your last...
Do not wait for the world to change you, you have the power to change everything you set you mind to. Change can be contagious.
Do not let fear get in the way of your happiness 
And always smile, you never know who is watching

Michele, wherever you are, we love you and miss you. Shake that little bum bum for us...

Do not stand at my grave and weep 
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die. 

Hear me now here and now/I’m calling Memories wear me out/And this seems too complicated/When all I want is a part of you

I am not sure why I wanted to write this as much as I seem to want to. I have a feeling this came to life to share some side of my soul. I may not always be as open as people around me may want. As much as I am out and not shy about my sexuality I feel like there is a part of me that will always remain hidden. There are those that only pretend to understand and others that think they do, but don't.

I am not always eloquent enough to put this into words. I have chosen a few things that may help clarify my point. Maybe it will make things more clear or maybe it will muddy the waters even more. To those this is meant for, I know you know who you are...
(Links highlighted in bold)

Butch/Boi and loving it - Baby Butch: A Love Letter from the Future
In today's day and age it's a general rule that no one wants to be stereotyped or pigeonholed. However, we all have a need or desire to belong. Throughout my 30 years on this planet I have never felt as close a connection than to that of my butch brethren. I love the connection between a butch and a femme (or a feminine woman.) I appreciate the dynamic they have. The sway of a woman, the way she completes her butch partner, the way she, and only she, can sooth the darkness you feel. I see how some men treat women today and I can do nothing but cringe. Open a door once and a while! Treat her not only with respect but reverence. 
Why the above video speaks to me so personally is because so many people have lost any notion of that dynamic. They may be a "butch/femme" couple but have no understanding of what that signifies and that a twisted and horrific past has given us this privileged life. So few people know that being butch is far more then the way you dress. Its in the way you walk, its in a firm proud hand shake, its in how you love the woman you are with and how your understand her boundaries and she understands yours. Its in understanding the power you can wield in both your words and actions. To quote Buffy (and oddly I really think this works) "It's like, it's like flirting in code. It's using body language and laughing at the right jokes and, and looking into her eyes and knowing she's still whispering to you, even when she's not saying a word. And that sense that if you can just touch her, just once, everything will be okay for both of you." (everything can be solved by Buffy) 


This piece moves me on so many levels. Not only does it explore the relationship between butch and femme but it also looks closely at the idea of not fitting into the world around you. When I go to the grocery store, riding the metro, using a restroom, generally living my life, I am always scrutinized closely. Am I man? A woman? A dyke? A threat? What am I... That's what the world is thinking. Its difficult to let anyone see how vulnerable you get in those situations let alone "save you" and that is why we build walls. Those walls that protect us sometimes come between us and our loved ones. It keeps the world out but also doesn't let any of the good in. It takes a strong and patient soul to bring us out from that dark place which makes us love those kind souls even more. I don't think I could say it better than this: To all the kick ass femmes out there, because you make us feel whole again.


Creating a path that someday may be followed - So The Story Goes

When I came to terms with the fact that I was gay it was a very difficult passage. When I began to question my sexuality I soon found that there was no where to turn. Information was scarce and the concept was still a mystery to me. I went to a dark place where I did nothing but wallow in what was and what wasn't. I had no idea what my new world was going to be or whether I would be welcomed now that I became an "other." It was 3 months of being lost, unsure where to turn or what options I had. 3 months of wondering if my family and friends would disown me (which was a very real possibility.) I had no place to look to, no one who had taken this path that I knew. I felt very much alone. After I came out I vowed that if I could make life easier for one person, if one person could look at me and say, "If she can do it I can do it," then every negative experience, threat, attack or slur has been for a good reason. And maybe one day someone will look to me as an elder and I had help them down that path we all call life.

Today, on my 10 year anniversary of coming out, I want to dedicate this post to those past, present and future who have helped mold me into the queer woman I am today and will continue to grow to be.

To the few people who I know have held me up all those years, you let me be vulnerable. Thanks you.
To those queer soldiers who make this world better and try to educate everyone (Ivan Coyote, Sapphogrrl, S. Bear Bergman) it is likely I will never meet you but you have all changed my life, and make the world a better place, thank you for continuing this struggle.
To those close to me at work, who may not always understand my plight, but listen, give productive feedback and keep me sane. You are an amazing group of people.
Those kind souls from Tip of the Tongue I met when I was a baby butch. You showed me the way and gave me a great idea of who I wanted to grow into.
Finally, to those I keep closest. I know you know who you are (and if you don't I need to tell you more.) I love you, cherish you, appreciate your friendship and your support. You help me continue to fight.

To those new baby dykes and femmes out there.... don't ever give up, you will change the world!

I want to kiss you/Does he want you with the pain that I do/I smell you in my dreams/But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye/No time no friendship no love/Don't say don't touch you/I can't touch you no more/Can't touch you any more any more/I don't touch you anymore

Evening to all you amazing people out there. As always I hope this finds you happy, healthy and safe.

I have been thinking of you all alot lately. I have started so many posts to you all but have fallen short in having anything good to share. Lets hope this one makes it to the light of day.

In just under 2 weeks it will be 10 years since that faithful day that I said 3 words thats changed my life: I am gay. In all honesty it was actually 5 words (said in true buffy fashion): I think I'm kinda gay. The first just has more power. It was one of the more terrifying and liberating moments I have ever experienced (followed closely by buying my first 3 piece suit!) In the last 10 years I have been able to grow from that timid little baby butch into the confident suave boi/butch I am today. It has been a bumpy ride and at times I was not sure the fight was worth it but despite everything I survived.

I don't hide who I am ever. I wear my men's suit with pride daily, swagger in my step, head high. I don't make excuses for my life and expect respect from those around me. I don't feel, in todays day and age, that I have to be anything other than myself. So you can understand my surprise and disbelief to learn that my mother at no point in the last 10 years has felt it is important to tell my family that her oldest daughter is a happy, healthy lesbian. She would rather tell my family that my sister is dating a doctor more than 15 years her senior who has 3 children and who my sister very possibly destroyed his marriage. (well my mom doesn't really talk about the ruining of the marriage but everything else is fair game.) My dating women is so shamefull that adultery so more socially acceptable... WOW! I can't help but feel a little insulted. (You should have seen my face when I found out!)

Where have we fallen short in life? Why is it that having a gay child is still something viewed as shameful. Personally I am not hurting anyone by loving someone with the same anatomy. As far as I am concerned as long as I am healthy, happy and respected then their really shouldn't be any issue. Frankly, I shouldn't be loved any less because I am a lesbian. I don't expect my family to understand me, they never have and never will, however I do expect them to be proud of my successes and that includes a healthy relationship.

So parents who may be reading this. Love your gay kids. Don't risk alienating them and possibly loosing them because you think this is a choice or a punishment for something you or they did. We aren't all that different from you...

And I would be the one/To hold you down/Kiss you so hard/I'll take your breath away/And after I'd/wipe away the tears/Just close your eyes dear

Morning to you all. I write you sitting in a clinic on an early Saturday morning. Sitting here waiting I cannot help but feel anxieties. Yes, not feeling well is already an unpleasant experience. When I sit here I cannot but worry about every unkind experience I or anyone who falls under a "gender confusing" heading has had. It doesn't mean that today's experience will be bad, that I will have to defend myself or god forbid be mistreated. What causes the fear is the potential that something bad may happen. What makes matters worse in my opinion, is that I have it easy compared to other people I know. It makes me feel for my gender bender/trans brothers and sisters out there.

 Those of you who have never experienced any of these fears may think its odd that something as menial could strive fear into anyone's hearts. I genuinely wish it didn't. I have had to defend my gender on more than one occasion and have been treated like a second class citizen more than once. So when I find myself in pain and wanting to have someone qualified help make things better I find it difficult to trust medical professionals (other than my family doctor who I trust with my life but an appointment with her would take months.) It makes you paranoid at times. Makes you see things that may or may not be happening. Did she look at my funny or does he think they made a mistake on my medical/hospital card? It's a frustrating experience that leaves me anxious. 8 out of 10 times nothing happens. It's those 2 times that I fear. I am alone in these appointments and have no one to rely on when I am vulnerable. I am not one to need someone's defending until I find myself in this kind of situation. For lack of any better description, it's scary. Those 2 incidents will scar you, put you on the defense and make you wary in every other similar situation. It will make you doubt yourself as well as the humanity in others. It can make you put off seeking medical attention which can result in things becoming worse.

I flash to scenes from "stone butch blues" and the those unimaginable horrors that befell my comrades only 40 years ago. It makes me sick to know how people were treated but also proud far we have come.

This turned out to be one of the good experiences thankfully. Add one for the good guys today. It gives me a little faith hat things may change. It won't take away all my worries but it will quell my anxieties for one day. I guess that's all I can ask for.

What if I wanted to fight/Beg for the rest of my life/What would you do?/You say you wanted more/What are you waiting for?/I'm not running from you

Why do we choose the path we do? What defines our choices and our actions? Where do we draw the line? When is enough really enough? What are you willing to sacrifice? Life can be take you on unexpected road. How will you make your choices?

I find life to be surprising. I feel like I dont know what to expect from one moment to another. I have given up any concept of planning because anything I think will happen often doesnt and what I never fathomed sometimes becomes a reality. How would you prepare for something unprepareable?

I have thought a lot about how different paths change our lives. Could any interaction however small, change the course of your life forever? I regret some choices and wish for others. I look back on why I didnt act on certain things when I had the chance. I also appreciate some of the roads I traveled down. They have made me the person I am today. Have you ever realized you could have had something and wished you had taken a different path? Where do you think it could have brought you. Would that place be better or worse than where you are now. I can't help but think of missed opportunities and connections over the years. I think of my friend who 3 years ago found herself in the way of a car and in one split second was taken from us all. What would it have took to deviate her life? What put her in that cars path?

I know I have asked alot of questions today, I hope it helps you reflect of life. All this to say, take in each moment. Things can throw you in an instant. Try new things, what you like may surprise you. Trust your gut and take a chance, you may like where it leads you.

I've been living so long with my pictures of you/That I almost believe that the pictures are

Happy late night to you all. As always I hope that you are happy, safe and healthy. Due to the knowledge that there are peope out there who read my insanity who I also see on a daily basis I feel somewhat responsible to update more often. I will also take this opportunity to tell my very animated friend "B Bear" that she needs to get to blogging so that we can all have written proof of both her insanity and awesomeness. You knw you wanna! It's summer (and I use that term lightly since I have had to abandon my car for a life raft to get to work) and I am faced with very little queer television characters for entertainment. What's a suave dyke to do you might ask? Well gentle readers I have been sucked into the 50 shades of grey world that has taken hold of colleagues and friends alike. What is 50 shades you at ask. I answer that question with yet another question, how are you recovering from that coma you have been in for the last 6 months? These books are the most over exposed, over hyped, addictive piece of brain roat I have ever read and I can't put it down. It's like watching a train crash, you know it's going to end badly but you just can't look away. To make this worse is that it ks very hetero. If you are looking for anything gay don't pick up this book unless you plan on imagining Christian Grey and Christine Grey who probably looks very much like Bette from the L word. So what drags me in? It's sad to say but our main characters ingage in very tame kinky fuckery. No I don't consider their play to be intense, provocative or eye opening. I do however find myself hoping that Christan grows some balls and actually plays with Ana and in turn she is gagged and shuts he hell up. Yes at times it's easy to get caught up in the romantic kinkiness, however it's infuriating to watch the male lead become a pussy cat and loose any edge. My frustration with this story comes from the fact that it was originally published online as twilight AU fanfiction. (don't judge ok) And I can't escape the feeling of this being a rip off of someone elses equally horrible literary contribution. I am also faced with constantly picturing twilight characters in the throws of passion, something no human being should have to picture. There is also the angle that the author used fanfiction (which is 100% none profit) to build a fan base, then retract that body of work only to rename characters and sell it. I personally feel its pretty unfair to do something like that. And yet I, like so many people, can't put this infernal book down. Before picking the books up I was shocked that so many people were interested in a book that showcased kink. I wondered when kink became such a mainstream thing that housewives and teenagers alike found a kinship in this book. Once I started reading it the answer became abundantly clear, 50 shades of grey is "vanilla kink." It's the most minimal aspects of kink used make people feel part of a demographic they will probably never understand. It the poly/bdsm communities this book is nothing but a laugh. All this to say, I will finish reading this ridiculous book at some point, which I feel is most peoples feelings. Honestly, if you are reading it for the kink, save yourself the time. If you are some suppressed housewife then read on mama. If you are somewhere in between, you will either love it or hate it.

Is it still me that makes you sweat?/Am I who you think about in bed?/When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?

First let me start this blog by thanking all my readers as I have hit over 500 views. Its a milestone I never expected to hit. Second I want to thank a friend for her support and intelligent questions. For her protection she will forever be known as Fabulous J, I know you know who you are, thank you for being a breathe of fresh air!


Frustration: feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.


Frustration is, well frustrating. Its like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Trapped between your heart and your mind. It truly is a shitty place to be. What makes that feeling worse is when its caused by someone, or worse someone you care about. It is so simple to confuse being loved and cared about with being used. When you truly want something it is easy to let yourself believe its real. You can tell yourself something a million times but that wont make it true. Nor will it make the impossible possible.


What dictates our choices. What drives us to take chances or live life carefully. What pushes us to jump off that ledge when we know its nothing but a free fall afterwards. I think life already contains a decent amount of risk so why not throw caution to the wind and live a little. Stop hiding behind fake beliefs that you use as excuses. Stop doing things because society tells you anything else is wrong. Stop doing whats safe, its boring and you will likely wake up one day filled with regrets.


I don't want to seem angry tonight with all of you amazing people. It just seems like I get the short end of the stick. I get the best mix of brush offs (If you were a guy I would so be into you... you would make a perfect boyfriend...) ladies I am going to make this abundantly clear: I AM NOT A MAN. Yes I look fine in a suit and I can tie my tie better then your husband, but shit or get off the pot, I am not to be teased. Haven't you ever heard the saying "don't poke the bear" well that goes for us awesome dykes as well.


Sorry for the rants tonight people. I am just in a rut. I leave you with the funniest thing I have seen in a while:


I can be your gayfriend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb_H6vqhwIg

Girl you got me tripping on sunshine/God knows you just made my day/Since you came around no/I just can't slow down, no/I wanna see you walk in my way

Happy late night gentler viewers. As always I hope this late winter evening finds you well, safe and content with life. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are surrounded by love.

Its a late night before another week and I am feeling pensive. So many things around me have elicited many the different emotions within my poor overworked brain. Life, as always, continues to keep me on my feet.

I find it easy to get lost in the "safe" world that is my workplace. After over four years within these hallowed walls I have become almost desensitized to the outside world. (Well from 7 to 3 during the week anyway.) My travel time to and from work is generally my time to decompress that I don't really have enough cognitive ability to realize anyone else exists. However, once deep in the real world, without my armor, its hard to avoid the snickering and staring. Its also easy to move into a defensive mode, interpreting any reaction as being violent and fueled by ill intent. That natural instinct to be prepared, at any cost, to defend yourself can lead to a very dark paranoia where misinterpretation can easily happen. Whether mistaken or not any reaction can make put someone on the defense.

I am going to keep this short and sweet my friends. Be strong and carry on.