A dyke in Kings Clothing

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions/Oh, let's go back to the start/Running in circles, coming up tails/Heads on a science apart

2011-10-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

Greeting all.

I ask you this, what situation do you dread more then anything else? Is it going to the dentist? Gyno? Doing paperwork? What if that situation you found the most uncomfortable was something you were forced to do everyday? What kind of impact would that have on your day to day activities? Would it make you less likely to want to go to work and/or school? Take a few seconds to think about the ramifications of that feeling? Go on, I'll wait for you.

For those who live outside the box society has built for us, several daily activities you may not even think about, are a painful and sometimes humiliating experience. Lets take an activity I am sure you have done atleast once today (more if you are healthy.) Using a public restroom. What is the average thought process about using a public restroom? What stall is the cleanest? Did someone just hear me do that? For most that is as far as they even think when it comes to one of our most basic needs. What would you do if using a public restroom left you with dilapidating anxiety? Something you had to talk yourself into anytime nature called. Chances are you have never experienced this and likely will never experience it. Unfortunately this cannot be said for everyone. There are so many people under our rainbow heading that face this challenge on a daily basis.

Walking into a restroom becomes something you must talk yourself into. It’s a ritual of preparation, ensuring you are ready to face whatever onslaught you may experience. Reactions can range from a second glance to flat out violence. Earlier this year a transgendered woman was beaten in a McDonalds for using the restroom and all the staff did was laugh and videotape the event. Personally I have never experienced anything that violent however I have been confronted on more than one occasion.

Gender Outlaws have no choice but to devise ways to surviving this inevitable activity. This ranges from doing your best to plan your trip during a moment where their are as little people as possible, to waiting in your stall until the coast is clear before exiting. For myself, this has become such a ritual that even at work (A place I generally feel no fear or reproach) I find myself using some of the above techniques.

Having experienced a public restroom on both sides of the gender spectrum I can honestly say that it is a very different experience. Women know how many people are in the bathroom, what they look like, what outfits they are wearing and alot of other random details. (I can assure you this is not any insult towards my fellow female homosapiens; this is the plain old truth.) Men on the other hand keep their head down, do what they have to do and get out. So when entering a women's restroom it is far easier to feel the scrutinous glare of everyone in there.

All I ask of you, after reading this, is to not pass judgment on that ambiguous person who just wandered into the restroom. Chances are that if they have chosen that particular restroom that they are in the right place. Understand the discomfort and fear that may be accompanied with this experience. And most of all: Live and let live....

I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete

2011-07-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

Good morning friends. As always I hope this finds you healthy and happy and the you have the opportunity to feel the warm sun on your face this morning.

I have been inconsistent in posting since the shows we love have ended. Life as always takes priority and I find having the time to write down my thoughts difficult at the best of times. I can not complain about how my life is going. My Boston Terrier is now 14 months old and wins the hearts of everyone she meets. She is my 4 legged child and I love her to death. My partner and I looking into buying our first home next year so we have been in full research mode for the last few weeks. All in all, we are very fortunate and happy, isn't that all that matters?

The world around us has been ever changing. In the last few months we have seen parts of Canada being faced with flooding and other natural disasters. New York state has legalized gay marriage. Scandals have erupted in politics, well everywhere. Canada has been taken over, well almost, by the "orange crush." The list can go on forever. Who knows where we will be sitting this time next year.

I had a whole blog spot set up in my head today. However now that I sit here writing it, I realize it is not what I had expected to write. I had intended on going on another long rant about the progressive extinction of the "gentleman butch." And what came out was what you are reading. This does not mean that the above idea not become a blog post of the future, its just moving over for something else this morning. It is amazing the way the brain works and how it can easily go off into tangents at any given time.

So thats all for today my friends. I plan on writing soon. Hugs to you all

Lucy Caboosey

2011-04-26T19:03:00.001-07:00

Evening All. I, as always, hope this finds you well and healthy. It has been a few weeks since I have been here to torment you all so I felt it was fair time for an entry. First let me thank you all for reading. This blog has hit over 2000 views (half in the last 2 months) and its thanks to you all and your support that I am here.

So on to Glee fun! I didn't get to comment on last weeks episode, the first episode since our hero's won regionals. As much as I want to sit here and make witty comments about that episode, sadly I have none. It was not, by any means, my favorite episode. Infact my only description is taffy and evil henchman. Either way I am sad to see Gwenyth is gone, but what can you do.

So on to this week. I don't know about you but I have been waiting a while to here Santana proclaiming her rug munching desires. Finally, she is a lesbian! Sing it proud sister!!! Or in your case blackmail others with it. Santana hatches a diabolical plan to become prom queen by blackmailing Karafsky into forming an anti bullying squad so that she can get Kurt back to Mckinley and save the day and earn Brittney's heart. During their "planning" session Santana outs herself, of course playing on lesbian stereotypes, this is Santana afterall. Both her and Karafsky actually do good, going on a crusade that eventually brings our lovable Kurt back home where he belongs and has us all begging to have Blaine join him. As much as I feel that Satana's motives are far from honorable, I think the end result will make us all go 'Gaga' (like what I did there.... )

The idea behind this episode is to show us all that despite our imperfections we should all love ourselves. Even the Jewess Rachel and Princess Quinn (is it just me or is she channeling Brooke McQueen of Popular fame?) have issues with their body image. Rachel, who suffers at the hands of Finn's dancing, cannot stand her nose and Quinn has some chubby ghosts in her fashionable closet. While both women wrestle with these feeling, both in their own way, their choice of song is perfect. This was an amazing mashup of Unpretty and I feel Pretty. I didn't think these songs would work as well together. Re listening to the song and watching their interactions I have a hard time not feeling bad for Quinn. Rachel, as much as she can be trying on your nerves, is always going to be that underdog you root for. Quinn on the other hand, is your queen bee. She had it all, football playing boyfriend, future prom queen, popular, pretty, you name it. Who knew that she harbored such low confidence.

The Glee Clubs assignment is to wear what they are ashamed of on a t-shirt and of course perform the new anthem for every down and our person alive, "Born This Way." (Which replaces "express yourself" as the new gay anthem) Santana chooses the title "Bitch" to represent herself while Brittany feels "Lebanese" is a better choice. Sadly Santana pouts in her gay non gay corner with Karafsky instead of gagaing it up. This performance was a toe tapping, smile inducing riot. Watching the pride on each and every persons face as they sported something that made them ashamed was inspiring. I felt an overwhelming amount of pride seeing Kurt sport a "likes boys" shirt for the world to see. Everyone gets in on the fun (well except her role highness Santana anyway) with Will sporting a "Butt Chin" shirt and Emma finally admitting to having OCD.

Overall a very solid episode. It had its funny moments mixed in with touching, heartfelt moments (anyone else shed a tear when Finn hugged Kurt?) I am finding Glee is getting better and better with each coming episode. The songs, the story lines are always very entertaining and very real. That's what keeps us coming back week after week.

What have you done today to make you feel proud

2011-04-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

Evening to all of you out there. I hope as always this finds you well and happy. I am taking a break from my regularly scheduled review (or rant) to get a tad more serious then I have in a while. As you may or may not know tomorrow is the Day of Pink. In the event you are not aware, the Day of Pink is a day to stand up against Bullying and Homophobia. The day began to speak out against bullying towards a student in a Nova Scotia highschool and has since grown into a global awareness campaign.

If you have read some of my earlier posts you may know that I work for the Royal Bank of Canada. Last year when the Day of Pink (DOP) came about we had little to no coverage within our workplace about this activity. However this year, to my pleasant surprise, this has not only reached the "powers that be" at RBC but has filtered into branches (I work in a contact center.) I am moved beyond words that an event that is no very personal to every human being on the planet is part of a billion dollar corporations priorities. I am already very proud to work at RBC. Its values mirror my own and I appreciate that I have the opportunity to blossom. However, seeing the company come together over something that many people consider to "not be an issue" is heartwarming and unbelievably motivating. What makes me even more proud to be working for RBC is the people. As the only openly gay female (that I know of) and even more so, the only women I know who identifies as Gender Queer, I have never felt left out or even harassed due to my sexual orientation or outward appearance. Yes, like every gay individual, I have had to explain a few things to my hetero colleagues but these were always cases of genuine interest and never anything in the context of discrimination or ignorance. All this to say that I work in an amazing environment surrounded by amazing people. And I say this to anyone who works with me daily, YOU ARE RBC and you are what makes me proud!

I am moved by the amount of attention the DOP has received. All too many bullying cases and discrimination situations go unnoticed or worse are not even dealt with. I defy you to find one person in your surroundings who has not been bullied for one reason or another. We live in a society filled with a variety of social networking sites and means to communicate between ourselves. Unfortunately, we also leave ourselves open to harassment through those same means. We can be reached by facebook, myspace (yes that still exists,) BBM, MSN, facetime, email ... and those tools can easily be used against us to turn our lives into what some may consider hell. We put our whole lives out there on these mediums and they can all be used against us so easily. And when the harassing starts in rarely ends in any way that does not leave the user scared or worse. Yet we continue to bare our souls to the universe (present company included) without a second thought.

So I plead to you all gentle readers to take this fight to your cities, towns, schools, workplace. Do not tolerate the intolerable. Do not stand idly by and watch one more person shrink into obscurity. Stand up for those who are not ready to stand up for themselves. BECOME A ROLEMODEL!. Stand tall and proud, because you, YOU are the future and you have the power to mold it into anything you want it to me. I am proud to stand shoulder to shoulder with you in the fight.

I leave you with resources that may help.

http://www.dayofpink.org/

PLFLAG: http://www.pflagcanada.ca/en/index-e.asp

BullyingCanada: http://www.bullyingcanada.ca/

FCKH8T: http://fckh8.com/Bullies/

Be strong my friends...

But these stories don't mean anything. When you've got no one to tell them to. It's true...I was made for you

2011-04-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday to all. I hope this finds you well, warm and happy. I am a bit behind on this blog post as I intended to have it written before the weekend. If you have been anywhere near me in the last 2 months I can assure you that you have wanted to hit me atleast once or twice because my favorite topic on conversation has been the Greys Anatomy Musical Event. (I ask you to stop rolling your eyes. Thank you very much)

Now, to say that I am a big fan of Grey's would be a complete lie. (I am a HUGE fan) Other then Glee its the only other show I never miss. Yes, dear audience, I love this show. More so than the show, I have a fond love of my favorite gay female couple, Arizona Robbins and Callie Torres. Man oh man do I love these characters. Despite not always having a major plot point, I sit patiently waiting for either character to grace the screen or even (GASP!!) share an affectionate moment or two with once another. So you can understand my excitement knowing that an episode would be devoted to Callie (and subsequently Arizona) and to make my gay little day even better there would be singing! I read anything I could possibly get my hands on about the Musical Event. I knew every spoiler, had listened to every song from the set list, watched every pre-released clip, I was good and prepared! Or so I thought....

I knew poor Callie was going to perform a triple lutz straight through the passenger window, I knew Callie would go to hell and back. However when I first saw her twitching on the hood of her car my heart was in my throat. The full on panicked and helpless feeling Arizona was going through made it all the more painful to endure. What do you do when you know you can't do anything? It's that earth shattering moment when you realize you could loose that person you love more than anything and would trade places with them if it were possible. An Emmy needs to go to both actresses for their roles in this episode, honestly, Bravo ladies, Bravo!

When the first notes of Chasing Cars floated in, I like many of you, had fallen under Sara Ramirez's beautiful spell. As Callie's eyes dart back and forth in shock and panic as she "sees" her friends and colleagues singing I felt that panic transcend to those watching. Owen's deep, almost soothing voice was pleasantly surprising. I had no idea the man could sing! The key moment in Chasing Cars was the angelic moment where all three (Baily, Hunt, Callie) voices joined. My props go out to the sound mixing in this episode because how they went back and forth between signing and actual medical work was amazing.

Another highlight was "How to Save a Life." I appreciated that the group numbers (mostly) contained the entirety of the song. The emotion in each persons voice, conveying each ones fears and insecurities. Their desperation was palpable. The song pulled me in, culminating at the point where Callie and Arizona's hands link on the glass looking down at Callie's body as she flatlines and her baby lies motionless. That moment for me sealed their bond forever.

If you have seen the episode I am sure you are going to think that the duet between our fair ladies was my favorite scene. Well gentle readers that is unfortunately not correct. I was somewhat disappointed to be honest. Not because of the acting or the song choice, only because more of the song was not used. I was looking forward to hearing Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) get to sing more. However the powers that be started it well into the song where Callie's part started. I thought the dynamic that was created was beautiful and very touching, however I was looking forward to more.

Now what was my favorite scene of the show? Well I am so happy you asked friends. When Callie goes back into her head I wasn't sure where this was going to take us. I was worried that Callie would be saying no to Arizona's ill timed proposal. Then they started to sing and I found myself smiling like an idiot completely caught up in Callie's mind and what she thought everyones "happy place" was like. Seeing the flirtatiousness between both women was o amazing. There was no big deal about the gay couple or treating them any differently. Frankly, it was refreshing.

I honestly would give this episode a 10. It had so many elements that worked for them. They made the idea of a musical work in a medical drama which I know many people said was impossible. They succeeded in making big mushy sucks of us all. I commend Grey's for taking such a risk (a very well publicized risk however a risk none the less.) I fell in love with the show all over again!

Companion to our demons They will dance, and we will play With chairs, candles, and cloth Making darkness in the day

2011-03-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

Happy weekend to all. I am amazed to see the amount of traffic the blog is getting and its truly humbling. Thank you all for sharing this little shard of my existence, I hope you enjoy my madness.

Friday night I was blessed with a ticket to see Sarah Mclachlan for the second time in my life. The first time I saw her was 6 years ago at the Montreal Bell Center. It was an amazing night where I ended up front row center infront of one of my favorite artists. This time it was a much smaller and more intimate setting at Theatre St-Denis. I was excited to see her perform as well as see the opening act Butterfly Boucher (she opened for Sarah during her Afterglow tour.) I had never seen her before she first opened for Sarah's first tour and was blown away. She was amazing! You may very well have heard one of her songs before if you watch Greys Anatomy. Her song "A bitter song" was made famous by that show. Here, have a listen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6gASIf6h5k&feature=related I really recommend you take some time to get to know this very talented artist.

Like most shows you expect to see the opening artists each take their turn on stage and then the main even starts. The lights dropped soon after 7:30. In the small venue you could barely make out the forms taking their places on stage. Slowly the lights turned back on and a gentle melody began to fill the theater. Beautiful vocals joined the acoustics and before I could realize what was happening Sarah Mclachlan was standing center stage. I looked to my friend beside me in utter shock to see the main act starting the show. After melting the crowd with her angelic voice for a few songs she introduced her "backup singers" and to everyone's surprise these two talented singers turned out to be the opening acts (Butterfly and Melissa Mclelland) Each women took center stage in turn, backed by the band and Sarah herself, sharing the artwork of their souls with the audience. Despite the power of these artists I found myself drifting back to watching Sarah sing. Using the word angelic does not come close to describing her presence on stage. This woman feels music in a way that no one else does. If you watch closely her body, specifically her hands, glide with the music in a way that feels as though they are an extension of her voice.

I have many favorite moments from that show (personally this was my favorite concert to date.) "Possession" was the first Sarah Mclachlan song that I had ever heard. I fell in love with this haunting melody it right away, however not being very experienced in life I truly didn't understand the words until my early twenties. It is far from a romantic song, it takes you through an emotional journey that I can only describe as erotically perverse. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEF1Pl5YXKw&feature=fvsr) Of course not all her songs are for the stalker in you, some are filled with love stories as well as "divorce" stories. The journey is diverse and so enjoyable to follow. As a huge fan it was amazing to hear old favorites like "tears of endearment" and "ice cream" and new favorites like "loving you is easy."

Esthetically the stage was simple but beautiful. There was an amazing family feeling to the band and other acts. You felt a genuine affection among them. I highly recommend seeing Sarah if you ever get the chance. I leave you a snippet of her show in Boston with one of Butterfly's songs as well as the two opening acts performing a few songs. Enjoy, and happy trails.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8UFL_PKTeE&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNF1W1b-KD4&feature=related

Guppy Face

2011-03-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

Something I forgot to mention yesterday (and have been kicking myself since) was a moving and inspiring song that became a contender for New Directions to perform at Regionals. And that amazing song was sung by our darling Santana! I direct you to this link -------> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tizlKcSH1A "Trouty Mouth" was hilarious yet Santana managed to add her sexiness to this number. I don't know about you, but she can make any fish reference she wants in my direction, I don't care!

Everyone you wanna be might have started out like me

2011-03-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday all! If you are anything like me you are celebrating the wondrous feeling that only the weekend can bring. It has been an oh so special week and I am thrilled to be free of the shackles that are work. What better way to bring in this glorious weekend but to bring it in full on Gleek style. Sit back and enjoy!

Well, the moment we have all been waiting for has arrived. Yes ladies and gentleman, regionals are here and everyone is a twitter (as opposed to everyone twittering, that is a whole different story.) Following the wonder and awe that followed Santana's coming out of sorts last week, I didn't have very high hopes for this episode. More than anything I was deterred by all the hype surrounding the fact that Glee would be introducing original songs. I had heard both "Loser Like Me" and "Get it Right" prior to the episode airing however I was far from wowed. But that's getting ahead of myself, lets start at the beginning.

I am a gals gal, but Blaine and Kurt together make me all warm and fuzzy inside. Just take a look, go on I'll wait. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbsl84aAaNE There you go, see what I mean? When Kurt sings "Blackbird" the emotion he portrays is intense You feel those feeling melt through the television. What was even more touching was the emotional transition Blaine goes through as he realizes he does in fact have feelings for our young Kurt. The range of emotion as he goes from being in awe to being in love (or lust,) it was a thing of acting beauty. As much as I love Kurt and Blaine getting their big gay mack on, their regionals performance left me wanting. Despite my utter love of all things P!nk, I felt that The Warblers had many more performances that wowed this season (um Gap flash mob?!?) and what was chosen in the end was far from that. But we all cant sing about Jesus now can we?

Let me preface this next part by saying I don't care for the Rachel/Finn/Quinn drama. But without this teen love triangle we would never have experienced Rachel's moving "Get it Right." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7qHYuVDIYY Rachel may be a princess but damn she plays sad well. For anyone who has every been that unpopular nerd, geek, outcast, its nice to see her/him win out over little Miss Perfect (even if she is an teenage mother.) Come on Finn, you know you prefer the good-girl, spoiled, awkward princess, besides we all know they are the freaky ones!

Really, the moment that caused everyone to jump up and smack their pointer finger and thumb to their forehead was most certainly "Loser Like Me." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ59jBudWwQ A simple song about being the underdog and finding a way to shake it all off. This is a song that is the upbeat, anti-bullying theme of a new generation. Now, when I heard New Directions pull off My Chemical Romance's "Sing" I honestly thought that this was the song to do. It was an amazing anthem with a great message. How could a song they wrote for a fictional glee club compete with a motivating anthem such as "Sing?" Oh my god did they prove me wrong. "Loser Like Me" is motivating and so easy to get lost in. Its now my start up music for my 6:30 am walk to work. Its "repeat on my ipod" worthy. The impact is really in how it pulls you in and provides you with comfort as well as making you feel like a giant who can take on the world!

"Original Songs" was my second favorite episode (first being "Sexy") because it was fun to watch, emotional, funny and motivating. It was filled with intricate emotions, making you feel the excitement of a first kiss to the heart pumping thrill of a long awaited victory. Damn you Glee, you do it to us every week!

Breakfast is Confusing

2011-03-09T16:58:00.001-08:00

Afternoon all. I had to come back to this happy place to talk a little about Glee. I find this to be a small obsession and frankly I need to talk about it. If you haven't seen episode 15 (everyone has a random) then please stop reading because you'll be spoiled.

Its not a surprise that I like girl on girl, alot. Infact I like it so much I b

log about it. For anyone who has followed Brittany and Santana you know that their "relationship" has caused a few of the saphic sisterhood to dislike the lack of romantic interactions these two share (or I guess, don't share.) Glee creator Ryan Murphy has been criticized for using these two lovely ladies as eye candy. Well Mr.Murphy you made a entire population stand up and cheer and then break down and cry last night. Santana is by far one of the most controversial characters on the show. She flaunts her sex appeal regularly and more often then not uses her body to get what she wants. Her sharp tongue has slashed even the toughest of souls and she takes no prisoners. Brittany on the other hand is the equivalent of that sad little puppy who often forgets how to walk down steps. She is a lovable character that has the best one liners on the show (anthem: the bottom of an ants pants.) Combine these two and you would think it would be disaster. Well my dear friends you are oh so wrong. This weeks episode was, for me, the best of season 2! The intimate way in which we experienced the anger, fear and final understanding that accompanies coming to term with ones sexuality was exquisite. Santana's outpouring of emotion was heartwarming. Who hasn't found themselves in love with someone they cannot have. Most homosexual individuals have experienced the pain of coming to terms with something that may very well rip their world apart. Most people have experienced that gut wrenching pain of loving someone who will never love you in the same way you love them. That truly helpless feeling that you get when no matter what you do or say, you can't change someones feelings for you.

Glee to some people is just a bunch of kids singing. Now I like the singing as much as the next dyke but the writing is what brings me back every week. (Well that and the sexified ladies but who's counting!?!) But when it really gets down to it the message is what draws us all in. Glee is like a singing Breakfast Club for a whole new generation. Everyone identifies with atleast one of the characters. That's why we all love this show, why we laugh when Brittany zings us (Dolphins are just gay sharks,) or sigh when Kurt gives us puppy eyes, or cry when Santana's heart grows three sizes and then gets crushed.

I leave you with the words of an iconic movie:

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detentionfor whatever it was we did wrong. What we did *was* wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...and an athlete... and a basket case... a princess...and a criminal... Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoyvUk24Ui8

Where to find me

2011-03-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

I am planning something a little different. So for a while you will find me here:

http://365-days-of-change.blogspot.com/2011/03/welcome-to-my-journey.html

Been too long

2011-01-15T13:52:00.001-08:00

I promise you all I am back and alive. Expect more from me within a few days.

Miss you all

BK

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep/Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat/I hope it's gonna make you notice

2010-03-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

Afternoon gentle viewers. I know! I`m back so soon!!! I find myself wanting to write more this week. Since the Olympics have come and gone I thought I would give you my review of the opening and closing and everything that happened in between.

Since the opening ceremonies happened while I was in Cuba I only had the opportunity to watch them after the Olympics had ended. As much as I clapped and jumped around watching team Canada march in (I was grateful for the power to fast forward) I found it at times boring and uneventful (much like the prairies.) K.D Lang was impressive and the aerials on the prairies and fiddlers were fun and energetic I found it lacked any real energy.

The closing ceremonies were far more fun. Feeling more like a rock show then anything else. Well except for the giant inflatable beavers and mounties, those I have never seen at any rock concert!

In between both of these parties were the actual sporting events. I had the good fortune to witness our first Gold on Canadian soil as well as re watch the same clip 107 times the following morning. Like all Canadians I was proud to finally have this moment and all subsequent metals that followed.

As with every Olympic I was glued to my TV to watch the Canadian Woman overtake the US in hockey (as we did as well, less easily, in men's hockey as well.) I, again, as always got emotional and teary eyed and the sight of the women`s team, my idols, having the gold metal placed over their heads.

Overall I`d say that this was a pretty good Olympics. I could have done without all the lip singing during both the opening and closing ceremonies, but what can you do.

So I ask you all, what did you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXXVXxfKbLQ - Moir and Virtue Everybody Dance Now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1gzDTqPjMg - Joannie Rocette - Vole

Into your eyes/Hopeless and taken/We stole our new lives/Through blood an pain/In defense of our dreams

2010-03-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Good evening gentle viewers. I hope this finds you having a pleasant evening. I know I haven't been around a lot lately. In only 3 weeks I will have Internet access that will allow me to post on a more consistent basis. I feel like I have 300 things to talk about and I`m trying to prioritize my brain to cause minimal impact to your sanity.
Its been almost 6 months since my close friend and colleague passed away. Also in 2 days it would have been her 3 year anniversary at RBC, an occasion she`ll never see. She has been in my thoughts a lot in the last few weeks. I have done my best to remember all the good things about her, but frankly I just miss her so damn much. So many little things make me think about her and how unfair I feel life is. It still feels raw and far from "healing," which is a cruel feeling. I still have a hard time believing I`ll never see her again.
I received an email from someone I knew years ago. Essentially it was a "coming out" email and from what I gathered (and what she insinuated) this was the first time that she had made any outward expression of her sexuality. Firstly, I was immensely touched that she had reached out to me. In life you are rarely given the opportunity to support someone through something that, at times is traumatic, and often is extremely difficult. I sincerely hope that I can be of at least some help. Secondly, I flashed to a conversation I had with a friend I worked with way back at Wendy`s. She had asked why I put myself out there so much as a gay individual. I responded simply that if I could make life easier for one person, if I could have a positive impact on one person in life, then all the pain, all the fighting would be worth it. And situations like this really do make me feel like there is a pay off for all the work.
I guess that should be it for the evening. I have no desire to overload you with my brain farts this evening. I should, of course, be getting my ass to bed soon. I am looking forward to being able to write more often for you all. I appreciate everyone of you and the comments I`ve received. I truly do appreciate having you here and knowing that we all have a connection. I wish you all sweet dreams and happy days.

Until next time.

You're the dream that I've been chasing after years of waiting/For a chance to fall and shine/Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

2010-01-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle viewers. Its been a little while since we have spoken. Work has been busy and I`ve been too tired to do much once I get home. Even now I should be trying to sleep (which looks a lot like watching old Buffy episodes on my couch with the cats) but instead here I sit typing my little dyke heart away. So here is the verbal diarrhea that seems to be in my head of lately.
I spoke with my mother late last week and was surprised to hear that my father has spent the last 2 months having cancer treatment less then 2 hours from here. My mother didn't even hear it from his own mouth but from a friend of a friend at a funeral. I have spoken to my father 1 time in 10 years. The last time (and only time) we spoke was on the phone and I told him I wouldn't call him until he made the first move. Needless to say I`m still waiting. My sister (3 years younger) called him a year ago, left 3 telephone messages, her address and her email address. Has he called her.... a big nopers. I do not want to call him. I do not want to talk to him. I know that he alone has the ability to turn me into a insecure five year old girl. I have spent years getting away from that feeling, working to not let his words control my life. I have been to therapist, I have been validated in my feelings and feel justification for my anger. And yet I`m worried that in the event he kicks the proverbial bucket I`ll feel guilty. My conundrum is that I`m not sure I`m worried about feeling guilty about not calling him, more that I am guilty for not thinking logically about the situation. So here I sit, torn between what to do. I hate being indecisive!!!!
On a more happy note. The wonderful "Miss Love of my life" will be moving in to a new apartment in April. We are presently on the hunt for a new place with lots of room for our monsters with the possibility of eventually getting a puppy (a boston terrier.) I am so unbelievably ready for this step and cant wait to have my girl right there with me every night. I`ll be happy once we find a place but we honestly just started looking. And in just over 2 weeks Miss LomL and I will be relaxing on a beach in Cuba with a drink in hand. I cannot wait. I know its been 2 1/2 months since my last vacation, but I need to get away from the city and all these headaches. I just want to be away from it all.
Wow, I`m wordy today. I hope this long cold dreary January is treating you all well. Hope were your holidays? Was the big lezzie Santa good to you all? Feel free to let me know.

I leave you with a lovie dovie clip of my favorite TV couple. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EQ7Ad3IeRg&NR=1

After posting I came to the realization that I have been writing for 3 years. This is the longest I have ever kept anything like this going. I`m happy with the progress that I have seen over the 3 years. I`m happy with the progress I have made. I am a week or so shy of my 2 year anniversary at rbc and it seems like just yesterday I was starting. Life is good.

We`re two lost souls living in a fish bowl year after year

2009-12-20T01:11:00.000-08:00

I spent the better part of the evening speaking with an amazing man who just so happens to be the partner of my departed friend Michele. It was amazing to share stories about her and find out things I never knew about her. I heard how they met and about the events around their dating. I shared things that happened in our day to day life at work and how important she was to me. She lived without regret. She lived everyday to the fullest and made so many people laugh. She was my kindred soul at work and the only other person who refused to conform. She was my light and my sense of direction in the face of insanity. She made everything light up around her and changed the life of everyone she knew. I miss her everyday. I think about her on the bus or at home. I still cant touch the DVD she gave back to me a few days before she died. In my mind she touched it and I cant loose that. God I miss her. She changed me forever...

On ne choisi pas toujours la route,
Ni même le moment du départ;
On n'efface pas toujours le doute,
La vieille peur d'être en retard...
Et la vie est si fragile.

On ne choisi jamais de vieillir,
On voudrait rêver un peu plus.
La vie n'est pas faite pour mourir,
On meurt souvent bien entendu...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

On atteint pas toujours le but
Qu'on s'était fixé autrefois.
On ne reçoit pas souvent son dû,
La justice choisi où elle va...
Et la vie est si fragile

On est seulement ce que l'on peut,
On est rarement ce que l'on croît!
Aussitôt on se pense un dieu,
Aussitôt on reçoît une croix...
Car la vie est si fragile,

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Le temps est là,
Toujours là,
Seule justice ici-bas,
On est si fragile...

On marche sur l'or ou sur l'argile,
Dépend de ce qu'on a reçu.
On reste tout aussi fragile,
Pourquoi donc se marcher dessus?
Car la vie, car la vie...

Est si fragile,
Est si fragile,
Est si fragile...

Your friendship means a lot to me, if we were on a sinking ship and there was only 1 life jacket. i would really fuckin miss you

2009-12-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle viewers. I`m here in the fish bowl feeling the need to write you all. Its been a while since I have sat here and written. I am patiently waiting to go get my drink on with colleagues.
I`m feeling a little out of sorts this evening. The Misses and I had a little tete a tete and I am unsure of her head space tonight. I don't want to loose her and I`m afraid she may drift away. Not because I am an ass of because I fucked up. Simply because my job is demanding and that my schedule is shit and I cant be around enough. So you can understand that this makes me stressed and feeling extremely helpless. Its frustrating because we just came off our vacation where we were on an incredible high and now I feel like things are uncertain. With everything we have gone through I don't know what else life can throw at us.
I`m feeling like ass. With a week to go to my birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas, I`m not so sure I`m looking forward to the coming weeks. Stay tuned for more madness.

how long have I been in this storm/so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form/water's getting harder to tread/with these waves crashing over my head

2009-11-30T08:46:00.000-08:00

Afternoon gentle viewers. Its been a few weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit here with you all. I managed to service my vacation and the subsequent week that followed. The cruise was truly amazing. Despite some sea sickness the trip was a once in a lifetime experience. The "getting" to Tampa was some of the roughest traveling I have every done. I thought I was going to loose my mind even before our trip began. I woke up in a panic and thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was pacing the apartment, I ate easily 4 ginger gravol and popped 2 regular gravol before we were even able to leave the house. I thought I was going to loose it completely. I did everything that my therapist had helped me with. I had water to center me, made sure to breathe and paced to help calm my head. I was given no choice but to get over it and get in a cab to the airport. I was excited and in the vacation mode so I managed to shake the anxiety until Atlanta where I began to freak out again. Thankfully I managed on to my better half managed to get me on a plane and within an hour and a half we had landed in Tampa ahead of schedule. The flights were all early without any turbulence, I highly recommend traveling with Delta airlines!

Despite a small hiccup with anxiety before leaving for the boat the day was smooth sailing. We arrived at the pier, sent our luggage onto the ship with a porter, bought some wine and juice and within a half hour we were stepping onto the Carnival Legend! We enjoyed 7 beautiful days on the boat, with trips where were did cave tubing, swam with sting rays and visited 2 of the most beautiful beaches I have ever seen. The service was amazing and we were treated like royalty daily.

I appreciate the support I received and am happy to see you all enjoying my insanity. Thank you for being there.

I don't know what I've done/Or if I like what I've begun/But something told me to run/And honey you know me it's all or none

2009-11-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle views. I popped by the blog and was pleasantly surprised to see that a record 3 people are now following this little world I have created. I would like to thank all 3 of you amazing people for reading my insanity week after week. I`ll be expecting your therapy bills in the mail soon.

I am sluggishly reaching my vacation and honestly I don't think I could be looking forward to it more. I need to be away from the world for a bit... despite the fact that I will constantly be thinking about the pile of work that awaits me and how many hundreds of emails I can look forward to upon my return. I am concerned as well about how my team will fair without me there to scare them with the wrath of god or whatever deity they worship. I know I need to let go, but this really is the first time I have left my team in the hands of anyone and I`m really the only one I can trust.

Speaking of trust (amazing segway thank you very much.) I have spent a few waking hours considering how much I trust people and how little I really let them. I divulged to a colleague today that I wrestled with anxiety and she was surprised that I was ever even unsure of myself. People really don't realize how afraid I am all the time. That's a huge part to why I feel anxious often, the fact that I am in "battle mode" 24/7. I feel like I spend most of my time ready for some unforeseen attack that doesn't always come but I feel I need to be ready for. I think its part of the road I am on. People who look like I do will never have an easy life. I know that no one around me really has any idea what it is like to be as different as I feel (and am) everyday. I told a few colleagues that I prayed that I never had a kid like me. I wouldn't want to let anyone else endure my life. Its hard enough to survive most days. I know people think I am strong and tough but there really isn't much left of me at the end of the day. Most days I just crash, exhausted from the day...

I think I will leave things here. I`ll leave you with an amazing clip someone shared with me. I think it fits with the theme of the night:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esyvNhyL0xs

Good night gentler readers. May the wind always be at your back and the sun always shining on you.

"I'm writing myself down, I`m sketching directions, so that I may be found or followed"

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping/While my guitar gently weeps/I look at you all/Still my guitar gently weeps

2009-11-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

Evening Gentle Viewers. It has been a little while since I have sat here and emptied my heart out to you all. It has most certainly been a trying time since we last spoke and I cannot possibly wait to be away from work in a few days.

Life has new meaning for me. I have come to the realization that there is a very fine line between what is and what might have been. Could one simple change to your routine bring disaster to you or those around you? Or could not choosing to deviate from your daily routine bring you that much closer to ruin. What does it take to turn your make you realize the fragility (if that's even a word) of our own existence? Almost 2 months ago a very close friend and colleague of mine was out walker her dog when a car going only 10 kilometers an how hit her. 2 days later she was dead and we were all left shocked and confused as to how this all happened. Was it fate that took her away from us? Was it simply a case of wrong place, wrong time? Or was it simply her time to go? I cannot answer that question and it infuriates me! Most of all it scares me. It makes life feel like it could crumble in my hands... I just miss her and think life is a cruel and harsh place.

What else can I say ladies and gentleman (more ladies - thanks to those that read my madness!!!) I was at a dinner part surrounded by queer women and the debate over Rosie O`Donnell came up. A friend had strong feelings about Rosie choosing to come out much later after leaving television unlike our supreme leader Ellen, who did it front and center in front of millions. From there things somehow spiraled into gay bashing (both verbal and physical.) The room became quickly divided between those who genuinely feared for their life and those who really never thought about it. I, obviously, fell into the ladder category. This just made it even more apparent that my life and interactions are very different from the norm and most people, even queers like me, don`t have any idea what being under attack daily is like. Which makes me feel alone but at least content that if they don`t understand then maybe its happening less.

On another queer but much happier note: T.V has a new queer power couple. I am absolutely in love with Grey`s Anatomy`s Arizona Robins and Callie Torres. I know I was a huge fan of Callie and Erica last year, but good god to I love these two. Despite limited physical affection I still do a happy dance every time they are on screen together.
Here, see for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6py2BM_9oY
I love... love.

So ladies I think its time to check out for the night. Thank you for reading. Good night from the fish bowl.

Pride

2009-08-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Morning gentle readers. It has been an amazing weekend in the city. Pride has come and gone and I have to admit, I am left a little sad. This was one of the best pride`s I have ever had. The weekend was filled with good friends and adventures. (not to mention a nasty sun burn) We had the opportunity to experience not only gay pride but the italian festival as well.

Community day was entertaining. This is the first time in 3 years that I have had the opportunity to see the community groups. At times I found it a bit pushy as women with booths would jump on any women that walked by (in a predominately male environment.) I got some really cool flyers so it was great.

Parade day was a blast, despite bad shoes and 32 degree weather. I personally found the parade much more cultural this year as opposed to over run by huge floats.

It was a great week and I loved it!

Something always brings me back to you, never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here until the moment I`m gone

2009-07-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

Afternoon my gentle and probably scarce readers. I know it has been months since I have graced your screen. I promise you, the rumors of my death were greatly exagerated. I am truly alive and well despite the rumors. My life continues to take turns that even I do not see coming. I will try and keep the details short and oh so sweet.

I still work within the hallowed walls of RBC but am now a team manager running my own disputes team. I have a hefty raise to go with the amazing new role and a work load that makes me head spin. I truly and honestly love my job despite being a little overwhelmed some days.

My love life is going quite well. I don`t want to get ahead of myself when I say that I have "my love" back in my life with all the passion and companionship I will ever need. She makes everything is life feel like it is better just because I have her in it.

I feel complete and safe now. Its an amazing feeling...

The world around us all continues to turn. Celebrities dying, war raging, recession threatening... things change but always stay the same. I finally moved from the frat house I lived in before, into a lovely new place right near public transit.

I know this first one back is short but I have work to do... How have you been gentle readers?

I want to know, can you show me? I want to know about these strangers like me. Tell me more, please show me. Something's familiar 'bout these stranger

2009-02-20T12:39:00.001-08:00

Afternoon and welcome to the none fish bowl, weekenders edition of "A Dyke in Kings Clothing." Normally I use useless work time to jot down my thoughts and rant my handsome king head off. Today I feel the need to do so, but not from my comfy padded chair withing my cubical (which in retrospect is not cube shaped) but from the noisy and people filled Eatons Center food court. Why you ask? I would love to say that it is due to the fact that at this moment I am enjoying "people watching" or that I am studying the sociological norms of eating in public places. Sadly, I am here because there is free Wifi. (Don't judge me please.)

On the note of the free Internet here at Le centre Eatons, I`m appalled to see that any site with the term "Lesbian, Bisexual or Gay" has been blocked from sites you can access. Please don't think I felt the need to sit in the middle of 200 people and surf for porn, I was simply trying to access my favorite site Afterellen.com. (A forum dedicated to queer entertainment news.) Frankly I this this is ridiculous. I understand the need to have some control over sites because this can be considered a "family" environment but honestly I feel like its police state here. I just feel like its far to excessive.

So, I am eternally grateful that this week is almost over. I don't know whether it is a culmination of weeks of no real weekend or maybe my hormones have taken over and I`m PMSing more then I have in years. I have been short tempered, plain old bitchy and moody and emotional all week. Frankly I`m exhausted at this point and am unbelievably happy that I can see the end of the tunnel. Hell I`m falling asleep as we speak. The stress and constant work has taken its toll on my health and sanity. For those I`ve been short or emotional with my apologies. I hope you all know that this isn't my normal state and I assure you, after this weekend I`ll be much better. I`m not a fan of asking for help under any circumstance and over the last 2 weeks have reached out on more then one occasion. So thank you to those whom I have turned to over the passed weeks and lets all collectively hope it doesn't have to happen again.

This lack of patience has transferred itself into my minimal ability to handle stares and remarks this last month. I can deal with being seen as either male or female but find it ridiculously difficult to be seen as a "what" or "it." Fucking get over it already! Call me "sir", call me "miss" I really don't care but decide already. Its is the looks of confusion or discussed that tick me off. I almost appreciate the improper pronoun cause at least you have pegged me as either fish or foul. I`m just fed up with being a thing as opposed to a person.

Okay, enough ranting. And besides my battery is running low and I am no where near a plug. Thanks for listening today. Here`s to a better tomorrow.

I`m a trainwreck waiting to happen, waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks

2009-02-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the fish bowl. I feel like writing tonight. I have very little distractions here at work today. AMN is at home with a nasty gastro and *L* is at work. My mother emailed me, as she always seems to do, to let me know that my aunt passed away. Sadly she slipped into a coma and passed but before she went she apparently told my Uncle that she wasn’t scared and that she loved him. I haven't lost too many people in my life but none the less I don’t really deal with it well. Its odd how people seem to "come back" right before they go. I`ve heard it happen and have personally experienced it when I was working as a nurse.

Anyway, needless to say I am not really in the best of moods today. Frankly all I want is to go home. I always seem to be here despite family emergencies. Whether someone is sick, dying or dead I`m a fucking here! I need a vacation!

If I were a man I`d like to meet somebody like me

2009-02-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle viewers. I`ve decided to leave tonight's blog installment in the hands of my other half Billy King. He`s going to be the one posting tonight. He`s been sitting behind the scenes so long that he has asked to finally get to speak his mind tonight. So without further ad0. I present, the one, the only, Mr. Billy King.

Greetings from the ever wondrous and often uneventful fish bowl. I have had the option of having my better half write my thoughts and feelings here but I kind of want a chance to speak my mind. As a male identified individual (in a butches body) I have a distinct view on life, having seen it from both sides. When I was first in the forefront of "cory`s" popularity it was amazing. I felt like I was on a constant high. It was easy to flirt and the attention was intoxicating. I honesty couldn't see anything wrong with it. Then I started to encounter a "none queer" reaction to my appearance. When women crossed the street for fear of crossing paths with me I realized just how different the sexes are. Men take up space and not in a positive way. They demand that you make them your sole and only focus. I didn't like being that kind of person. I didn't like the fact that in acting that way I was ignoring and hurting those around me.

I`ve requested the help of a spectacular photographer friend to take photo`s of me for a new website I am starting. I would like to have the option to put myself out there for consulting work. Who knows if someone will need a handsome King to show them the ropes of "man hood." I would also like to be able to put myself out there as a performer. I do not really perform that often but I would like to keep that door open for the future. No matter how much work it is, I still miss it very much. I was always a drama kid in high school and liked the cross between performing and gender play that Drag Kinging brought. I`ll fully admit, as I did earlier, that it is easy to get caught up in the "celebrity" aspect that came with it all. For me, now anyway, I miss the energy from the crowd. The high that came from being up there and showing off that attitude. Because after all, that's who I am, I`m the attitude, the spicy, that character that gets into your mind and stays there for days. I am the soft whisper in your ear on the dance floor. That's my appeal... I`m the forbidden. Throughout the years I`ve learned to balance this within the boundaries of "normal" social interactions. I`ve learned to have control and have restraint on my actions. But once and a while you`ll see me surface. Whether in the way I walk or a slight gesture or comment. That's when I`ll give my smirk and walk away...

And I feel on that note I`ll sign off. As always I wish you all a safe and sane night. And to those reading... I tip my fedora to you, until next time. ;)

***Added after original posting*** I have just had to spend the better part of the last 15 mins explaining to very hetero coworders that a women can rape another women. Which then lead to me explaining the fact that women get pleasure from sleeping with other women. I honeltly feel like I am babysitting people at times.

Dont waste your time on me you`re already the voice inside my head

2009-02-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle viewers. It is Tuesday of a lovely 4 day work week and I am happily counting down the days until another weekend is upon us.

Life changes quite frequently. Daily we are faced with new challenges or situations that change and form us into new people. Every situation divides us onto a new path. Every choice is a new deviation sending us onto a brand new path. Its makes me wonder about all the alternate realities we create on a daily basis. Where would any of those paths take us? What makes us choose one thing over another? Why do we choose harder situations over the easy ones? Personally I seem to, whether I realize it or not, to choose the harder path in life. Personally I feel that having made this choice/these decisions has made me a stronger person. I`ve dealt with things that I would wish on anyone. There are things my younger self never thought would be an issue in my older years. I never thought using a public bathroom would cause as much anxiety and confusion. I never thought existing would cause so much discomfort to others. On the other hand, I have encountered some of the most understanding and supportive people. People who make me feel like I am allowed to be me, whatever that entails. People who correct complete strangers for using the improper pronouns and who understand when I break down or put my wall up. Those people I appreciate more then life itself. These are the people that make me feel okay with being me. Thanks you from the bottom of my heart.

i`m a hustler baby

2009-02-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the fish bowl. It’s the end of my week, with a beautiful 3 days weekend ahead of me. I`m tired and crampy with no real desire to be here, so I do what I do best when faced with boredom… I write.

And on that topic, I`ve decided to write about… blogging. I have had a few people provide feedback about the craziness that I call blogging. It seems that some of you actually enjoy my verbal madness. I remember starting this blog 2 years ago when I was having a very difficult time in my life. The love of my life was in the process of moving out and I was in the process of a complete gender upheaval. At the time, I felt so lost and had no idea where to turn. So I worked through it all. Publishing some of the hardest things I have ever been able to admit. I faced a side of me I didn’t understand and frightened me. At the time I had to wear a very strict uniform and had absolutely no option to express my masculine side other then kinging. Kinging honestly made it worse sometimes because it became a temporary solution for a permanent issue. Once I left the horrid world of fast food I found that, in being able to express myself outwardly in my wardrobe, I started to find the balance between my masculine and feminine sides. Just the fact that I could outwardly portray this very important side of me made "existing" so much better. It made me feel like I could be me no matter what I wore.

Anyway, its time for sleep and this boi is tired. Thanks all for today folks. Be good and be safe.

For the life of me, I cannot remember, What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise

2009-02-01T21:07:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle viewers. It`s your pal Billy King straight from the fish bowl. Its “Monday” for me and needless to say, I don’t feel too happy about it. I`m feeling slightly overwhelmed by the a mix of full time work and 6 hours of school. I just feel like I don't get a break. Next weekend is my relaxing, spa weekend. (can you hear how excited I am!)

Since I have been in sociology mode for the last few weeks I`ve been looking at life from that side of things. I`ve been thinking of societies influence on who we are. Durkheim says that people actions are completely influenced by the external forces that is “society.” If you really think about it, he has a very valid point. For example, in western society, dating or marrying someone under the age of 18 is illegal. But in many countries this is a normal, socially acceptable practice. Even if you completely act in a way opposite society, you are none the less doing so due to societies influence, you are simply going against what society states is “right.” I`ve thought about my actions and choices in life. What would my life be like if I was living in a different era, decade or even century? Would I still have the ability or strength to fight society? Would I be able to feel more along then I do now and still fight against stereotypes? If I was in the times of stone butch… what would I have done? I don`t know if I would have had the same strength. I would like to say that I would but there is no way for me to really know how much strength I would have….

(now continued, home from the fish bowl) I feel like this year has flown by. Its been an insane. I survived my first year at RBC and this Wednesday I`ll find out if I win the award for Elite banker. This is my second nomination and despite the fact that I doubt I`ll win, I`m happy none the less to be nominated, but god would I love to bring home that trophy.

Anyway gentle viewers, its getting late. I promise a more interesting post soon.

its very unhealthy it can make the sane go crazy

2009-01-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

Good evening gentle readers. Its a dead night at the fish bowl and I feel like writing. Maybe its because I am moved to write after this last week or maybe its because its just us guys here at work tonight and throwing things and unplugging computers is beyond my enjoyment. So, as always, sit back, relax and get your feet wet.

Not so happy returns:
Obama will be sworn in this Tuesday. I`ve been on the Obama band wagon for much of his campaign and now I feel as though I am loosing hope for any change for my brothers and sisters in the states. Obama has asks controversial Californian Reverend Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. In case you don`t know who Rev.Warren is, he was one of the outspoken church members (during the prop 8 campaign) who equated homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality. Personally, I don’t have a lot of faith behind his choice of representation. He stated that America should "come together despite disagreement's on some social issues." I guess he wants all amercians to come together and support him, despite the fact that they have minimal rights. So, what would he say if we told him, "take a seat at the back of the bus but hold that American flag high while you do it." I think Richard Burnett of the Montreal Hour said it best this week in his weekly column 3 dollar bill: "As for Obama, let me remind him that on Jan. 20 he is putting his hand on the Bible to uphold the U.S. Constitution, not putting his hand on the Constitution to uphold the Bible."

Greys is going, going gone:
Greys Anatomy has lots another character. Melissa George, who was originally intended on playing a bisexual character - which was soon dropped as quick as Brooke Smiths career, has ended an quick as it begun. Apparently the writers have changed the characters path so many times that the actress felt it was time to leave. CBS has run this once amazing and fresh show into the ground. I personally, gave it up when they killed the Callie/Erika story line earlier this season. (see prev blogs) This season has made me feel cheated in terms television and queer content. Here's to a better 2009.

Butch/Femme connection:
I have been putting a lot of thought into the way butch and femme women interact. Don`t get me wrong, you can love whomever you love, but there is no connection like that between a butch and a femme. It`s hard to think that anyone can understand you more then a femme. We`ve both been hurt, each in our own way but the none the less the same. We`ve both had to defend ourselves based on our looks. I`m not saying I could never love another butch, that’s the farthest from the truth, but a femme, sweet, sweet femmes, they know how to sooth a butches soul and help heal those wounds we rarely want to admit is there. Femmes know how to bring us back out again…

So that is all this evening. Its taken be 3 hours to jot all this down. I`m feeling a tad unbalanced this evening. All I really want is to crawl into bed with someone and wait out the storm. Frankly my bed is way too lonely...

I leave you with a copy of my new tattoo. Its for my grandma, who passed away almost 10 years ago.

I dont care what they say, I`m in love with you

2009-01-11T16:57:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the fish bowl. Its been a few weeks since we've spoken, despite the fact that I have had many things worth writing about. This post may seem a little "all over the place" but assuming you have read anything I've written prior to this, you wont be surprised.

I spent some time at the hospital this past week. I had to run a few tests to make sure that my kidneys work the way all good kidneys do. Thankfully, they in fact do work perfectly and I was given a clean bill of health. The physical experience and treatment I received while at this hospital were deplorable. I generally avoid the east end of the city as much as possible. Its excessively French and much less open minded. While at the hospital I encountered several individuals that treated me rudely because of my gender ambiguity and identity. I really felt like I was living Stone Butch Blues. Even on my second visit I encountered a doctor, who on 3 occasions, (within a 5 minute span) called me sir, despite my constant corrections. I left there feeling violated, shamed and dirty, like I wasn’t "fish nor fowl." I live my life the way I want. I'm a drag king, a gender queer, a boi etc. I don’t need anyone to treat me like a freak of nature or even as a "what." This lovely experience lead me to a break down Friday night (aided by alcohol) that my poor *love* had to endure and talk me out off.

I started back to the gym, 4 to 5 days a week - 2 hours a pop. I will be going on vacation in November and have a goal weight loss of 50 pounds. If I can loose that then I will wear a bikini top on the cruise *my love* and I would like to take (or a trip to Mexico if a friend will be joining us.) I have spent my life heavy and have decided now that I am 27 and not getting any younger (not like I ever got younger) that this is the time to finally loose the weight I have been piling on over the years. I am faced with the situation that I will not take anything other then the weight loss. I will not accept failure.

I got my 4th tattoo this past Friday. It’s a nautical star with my grandmothers initials. My Grammy was my direction in life and the relative that I identify with most. Its healing and I seems to forget every time how annoying the healing process can be. I am happy that I waited until the beginning of 09 to do it. 2009 will be my year and I am happy that I started it off with a new marking.

Anyway, ladies and gentleman, back to the fish bowl. I hope the new year brings you everything you wish for. Be good and be safe.

Standing calmly at the crossroads, no desire to run. Theres no hurry anymore, when all is said and done

2008-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle readers. Its the wee hours of the morning again. This seems to be my key time to write about the days or weeks events. The end of 2008 is approaching in a few short days and the vast unknown of 2009 is right around the corner. Who knows what the next year will bring.

I had the opportunity to see Milk in theaters this past weekend. I had high hopes for the movie and was beyond pleased. I felt such a profound connection with the story and the characters. There is so much that we all owe to our bothers and sisters who fought for the rights that we take advantage of. The stonewall riots and the riots throughout the mid to late 70`s in San Fransisco have paved the way for all of us to have more or less the same rights as hetero couples. People like Harvey Milk, kept the right wing religious factions from turning us into second class citizens with amendments like Prop 6 (sponsored by John Briggs, a conservative state legislator from Orange County, the failed initiative would have banned gays and lesbians, and possibly anyone who supported gay rights, from working in California's public schools. The Briggs Initiative was the first failure in a conservative movement that started with the successful campaign headed by Anita Bryant and her organization Save Our Children in Dade County, Florida to repeal a local gay rights ordinance.) Queer brothers and sisters of the 70`s fought will bloody fists to inform and educate the American population about the atrocities that the queer population had to endure. Using his "come out, come out, wherever you are" slogan he asks queers around the world to come out of the closet and let those that loved them know that they were gay and proud. This is turn allowed people across America the realization that these laws directly affected those near to them. I watched the scenes of riots and mobilization and wish I could have been a part of that movement. To have been able to see and make a difference for those who will come after me. I wish I could have felt that energy.

I leave you with a news clip of the reports following Harvey Milk`s assassination and the vigil that followed. If that doesn't make you stand up for what you believe in, nothing will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkN8OZQ0EK8

Somewhere in her smiles she knows, that I dont need no other lover

2008-12-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle readers. It is 3am and I find myself drawn to writing in the darkness of my room on this cold winter night. The room is dark other then the light from my computer and the gentle hum of The Beatles sings to me.
I`m feeling a little controversial this early morning. It is a subject I have had in mind and ranted about on more then one occasion. As a very open, gay women in a predominantly hetero workplace sometimes it can be a little overwhelming. Its easy to be caught up in the attention that one receives from straight women and at the same time it can loose you. I cannot count the times I have been called the perfect man/boyfriend/partner if only I were male. I don't really think I can be flattered by these compliments any more then I would be happy being the runner up in an election. Why are gay woman the secondary cast and never the stunning lead? We are the safe alternative, the ones who can be flirted with because we are safe and in no way a threat. Its safe because things wont go too far and you cant or wont be called easy for flirting with another women. Its almost as if its a game, to prove that they are indeed have the ability to attract men and also women. It makes me feel used and dirty to realize that this goes on. It makes me feel objectified... and lonely.
The year 2008 is almost at a close. I`ve finished the year a few steps ahead of where I was last time around. I`ve got a few new questions and a few new headaches. I just want to keep moving upwards and I promise I`ll keep writing. I hope you`ll come along for the ride.

For what I've done I start again And whatever pain may come Today this ends I'm forgiving what I've done

2008-12-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

Evening gentle readers. I find myself more and more drawn to writing but at the same time feeling more and more tired which in turn makes me less likely to write. (confusing I know) Its been none the less busy for the last week. And owing to the fact that christmas is a week away, it does not seem all to likely that it will calm down any time soon.
I am now 27. An event that occured a week ago and is more then likely to occur again next year. Its been an amazing week filled with sushi, good friends and some amazing quality time with *My L*. I don`t feel much older. I don't feel much different in fact. I`ve been focusing on myself and life in general, trying to make sense of the million things that go through my head daily. I never know what to expect and at the time enjoy the spontaneity it brings. And yet, I still feel like I am wasting my day and not living it to its fullest. I tend to live by night and forget what being a "daywalker" is like.
*My L* got me drag king dreams for my birthday and I really cannot put it down. Its drawn me in, not in the same way stone butch did but quite deeply just the same. I always loose myself in reading about people like me. Its like finally I find "my people" within the pages of these books. I find myself deeply rooted in one or a few characters and loose myself in what may or not be. I am not one to strive to be like everyone else, but I find comfort in knowing that someone, at some time has been through some variation of what I have and will go through. It makes life just a little less scary. It makes the next fight, the next struggle somewhat less unforgiving. Its a comfort in knowing that you are not the first to carry the banner, you are not the first to feel this rage and you are not alone in this struggle. That's is part of where I find my strength, with the knowledge of those brothers and sisters before and after me who have and will take up the cause, carry the banner and will raise their voices. Those are the people I fight with and for, those are the people I stand with in pride and solidarity.

Fear Is What You Pay For Adventure

2008-11-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

Evening ladies and gents. Its another night here in the fist bowl. I have been M.I.A for the last week or so and I apologize for the absence. I`m rounding the final turn of my 26th year of existence and the big day has me feeling a little unsure. The last year has certainly been the roller coaster ride of my life.

First, I quit my fast food life and began my new improved life in the fish bowl. After 6 and a half years working as a slave to the fast food gods I packed up and moved on to bigger and better things. I was beyond happy but still none the less scared to leave a job I`d been doing for most of my independent, adult life doing. Thankfully, the gamble paid off and I`m more then happy spending my time in the fish bowl.

Secondly, I have gained some amazing new friendships I never saw coming. The AMN by far falls under my favorite and most pleasant surprise in the last year. I never expected it, I never thought it would happen but damn I don't think I can live without it. On the other hand, it seems I have lost a few. I grew apart from one of my closest friends who I had grown up with due to the fact that our views have changed and sadly as I grew up, he got younger. I`ve said good bye to a few friendships I never thought I would. makes me sad.

And lastly, I`ve re prioritized my life. I`ve let go of the need to perform as Billy. I`ve taken a lot of him into myself. I have his confidence and guts and left behind his cockiness and disrespect. I`m happy with who I am and the choices I make. I may not always been right but damn I try.

I feel old now, but not in a bad way. I`m excited to see what my life is going to be like this time around...

Trans Day of Rememberance

2008-11-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Well, its been a rough few days here. My kidneys have decided to kick me in the face again, and I am faced with another load of antibiotics. I`ve gotten used to this torment but seem to forget how crappy it can be when I`m not well. But who needs to hear about my kidneys.

Today is (or as of now, was) the trans day of remembrance. As someone who defy`s how the world thinks I should act or dress I feel a kinship with those who identify as trans. I don`t like to pigeon hole myself with labels, but when it is necessary I identify as gender queer. This term generally brings confusion to most. I define this term as anyone who fits out of their "gender norms," which can describe a number of people. This way I haven`t given myself a strict identity to follow and I m free to fluctuate in and out of that description.

I think that gender is a useless label in today's society. So few people follow 100% of their gender qualities that these stereotypes are outdated and futile. Gender neutral washrooms are the way of the future yet so few establishments choose to implement them. After 6 1/2 years in food service I can say with the utmost conviction that women and men are equally as unkempt in their day to day public rest room habits. I say get a bunch of stalls and let everyone be!

I remember back in a high school sex ed class one of my teachers spoke about nudity. He said, "If everyone covered their elbows and never showed them in public, then seeing someones elbow would be considered sensuous and prohibited." Isn`t gender the same? If everyone fluctuated within their "gender" to whatever they felt comfortable embodying then would their really be such huge to do when someone transitioned? Would there even be a reason to transition? Why do we have suck strict constraints on gender? And as well, why do people who fall outside of the box make so many people uncomfortable? Is there societies issues really with those who are "unidentifiable" or is it more a lack of comfort with ourselves?

In the year 2008 I feel it is deplorable that gay bashing and slander continues in north america. It is more understandable (but not any more acceptable) in under developed countries for people under the heading of LGBTA to be questioned. But in north america we face laws disallowing marriage right, slander, oppression and brutality. I stand by the point that we have made leaps and bounds over the last 3 or 4 decades, but still why are these actions still socially acceptable to a wide audience?

On this day of remembrance and every day before and after it, I stand by my transgender brothers and sisters, those lost and those to come. May we all stand undivided until the fight is over...

united states of whatever

2008-11-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

I feel some days like the gay mecca. It feels like if something remotely gay happens in the world I must have an opinion. Of course I, more often then not, have some say it whats going on but not unless you ask me what I think. So generally when someone asks me what I think about a subject, it isn't to argue. I can look at both sides of a subject but when someone is obviously against something and in turn brings it up just to state that they are against something, I have an issue and I end up becoming defensive.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster of late. I have high high`s and low low`s. This is in part why I don`t like attaching to people. Life is easier when you don`t let yourself care or attach to people around you. I`m a special person who attaches very deeply to certain people. I hold a deep and intimate loyalty for them and would pretty much do anything for them, that’s just the way I am. In the same aspect, when I loose someone I end up shattered. Hence my reluctance to let anyone in what so ever.
This roller coaster seems to run all the way to work. I was overlooked for a position (temporary but I digress) which was given to someone who I have known for 8 or more years. I am bitter and angry over this decision and find it even remotely impossible to be happy for this person. I refuse to help training bay what so ever while she is working there and find it angers me to the point where I am nauseous to see someone else doing what I should be doing. I`m at the point where I have no idea what more I can do for the bank, I already eat, sleep, breathe this place, in fact I bleed blue and gold. It all makes you want to not give a fuck and give up everything.
I feel that this last statement defines how I feel. Like packing it all in and giving up, to stop the effort and just let it all go to hell. Anyone want to join me?

cheap and chearful

2008-10-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Afternoon from the fish bowl. I had a whole blog post written in my head yesterday but once I arrived home I didn’t have the energy or drive to write anything. So I did what all good lazy people do, I watched Buffy until the wee hours of the morning. But I digress. So this is the post that should have been brought to life yesterday, sit back and enjoy.
I feel the need to talk about relationships. Relationships of all kinds. I have to ask myself, what makes relationships work and on the same hand, what makes relationships go array? (I honestly feel like Carrie Bradshaw now)
What defines a relationship? Why do relationships between people flourish? What do you see in someone that makes you want to pursue anything further. Evening in terms of friendship, what makes you take an encounter with someone and make it a friendship? Often, with friendships, I know right away whether I "click" with someone or not. I either feel that connection or I don`t. This either leads to me wanting to get to know the person or really not caring at all. I stay friendly most of the time but I really don’t push to get to know that person any more then I have to. As for relationships, I feel it works the same way. You either mesh with someone or you don’t. I`m a firm believer that all good things start fast and intense.
If you can love someone so intensely and then passionately hate them. Are these feelings so interchangeable? If they are, does that mean that love and hate are essentially the same emotion, just on different ends of the spectrum? Can we really trust that we will never go from one extreme or the other? Personally, I find that possibility realistic but scary. I`ve been in love with someone that I can say I hate. When referring to my sister I say I love her, but I hate her.

going through the motions...

2008-10-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

It was the best of times… all the best lines are already taken. Evening from the fish bowl. It is a beyond quiet night here and I`m loosing my mind from boredom and frankly all I want is to be on vacation.
I`m looking forward to a 4 day work week followed by 11 wonderful days on vacation. I`m also looking forward to being able to relax and not think of work or any stresses. And I am secretly happy to have my partner in crime, my AMN, back tomorrow to make work a little more exciting.
What to discuss that isn`t in the fish bowl? Something queer perhaps? Something different and new?
I`ve been posting a small bit on a forum I`ve been a part of for 5 years now and they have been asking some interesting questions that I would like to address here.
Someone had written a post about "cuddle buddies," as opposed to "Fuck buddies." This actually got me thinking. How much is physical affection (between either friends or lovers) important to you. I am a very affectionate person. I say with pride that I`m bringing hugs back to RBC. When I enter work I stop at about 4 or 5 friends desks to give them a hello hug (or goodbye hug if they are leaving.) Now I don’t go around hugging everyone I work with, just a special few. But I do "high five," "fist punch" etc several people. I think affection among friends is important. When you are having a horrible day and are feeling low, just a simple hug will make anyone feel better. In a job like this where you can be verbally attacked and mentally drained at any point, the slight idea that someone both understands you and is willing to take the time to share a little affection, this goes a long way. I like the fact that there are other people here who feel the same way as I do. Affection is an important part of bonding and it states a close friendship and trust between individuals. A hug is comfort and consoling, its warm and reassurance. I like that I can have this when I need a boost during the day.
Outside the fish bowl, I`m the same way. I still hug and show affection without really thinking about other peoples reactions. (Limited PDA though, I draw that line.) When I`m watching a movie from the couch, I`m a big fan of cuddling and being affectionate, that’s just me.
So what about you? Are you a cuddler?

If my heart could beat it would break my chest

2008-10-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

Evening from the fish bowl. Its an average night here at RBC and I can`t help but feel grumpy as all hell today. I slept horribly last night and wouldn`t have slept at all if I hadn`t given up and taken gravol. The short version is that I`m a bitch today.
I am feeling really lonely of late. Since I am newly on a schedule of 3:15 to 11:15 and I miss the sunlight. I am so used to looking out of the fish bowl and seeing the sun as opposed to seeing the night sky. As well I now work Sunday to Thursday so I loose the joys of full weekends off. So with the new schedule I don`t seems to see anyone anymore. Its too late to talk to anyone and the only interaction I seem to have is with the cats.
I just generally feel shitty today...

Video of the Week

2008-10-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

My new favorite queer couples in a fab tribute:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VXGp2zjduY&feature=related

sleep now

Hugs and puppies

2008-10-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

Another day in the fish bowl. My vacation is slowly approaching and I really can`t wait. 7 days and nights relaxing on the white sands of Varadero. But sadly for now I have to continue dreaming of the beach.
It was an amazing day yesterday here at work. I generally enjoy work but when I work with a certain coworker I tend to have a blast. For future reference she will be known as Awesome Miss "N" or "AMN" for short. I have known AMN for a few months now as we both worked on a training bay together. Obviously we were both pretty focused on the training of the "littlins" and I never got a chance to get to know the true power of her awesomeness. Fast forward a few month, and Miss "N" is a manager with me. Other then a few "hey hows it going`s" neither of us had really spoken since that training bay, but none the less I was excited to be working with her a little more closely (minds out of the gutter people, she`s straight as an arrow.) To my amazement she turned out to be as much a pervert as myself (double points for her!) and to be as sex obsessed as yours truly (10 big gold stars to her for that!) After a week of training, and a week back on the much loved phones (my poor neglected cell phone…) she and I have built a pretty intense connection and she is easily my favorite person here. Last nights shift was the first shift that we both worked at the same time and I had so much fun. Its not often I connect with people the way I seem to with AMN. I really think I have or could have a deep friendship with her. I like that she is so accepting and easy going. This all seems to have come out of no where, but I certainly will not complain. She is fun, easy to talk to, makes me laugh and seems to know when I need a hug. I feel like I`ve known her all my life. (I know that`s corny deal with it, this king can get sappy once and a while!) I like the awkward little moments we have when we both get nervous over something one of us has said, its both funny and endearing when this happens. The gist of the whole post is to say that AMN is one amazing person (hence the name!) and I look forward to getting to spend more time with her. (as long as my cats don’t kill her!)

P.S (added at almost 2am) most importantly, she makes me smile, smile like very few people can ever make me smile or feel... and I appreciate that...

Peace out until next time!

below the mason dixon line...

2008-10-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

Greeting from the fish bowl. It’s a quiet night as a manager here at the bank and I`m in the mood to blog. I`ve had many themes running through my head to blog about but sadly I have found very little time to get anything on paper. So I suggest that you sit back, relax and enjoy my madness.

I was in the gay village a week or so ago and I found myself thinking about my first time there. I remember hearing that there was such a thing as a "gay village" in the city. I was a naive 20 year old sitting across the only other gay person I knew in the Wendy`s lunch room. I remember working up the courage to walk down the street. I remember being unsure what to expect. I also remember thinking that there was very few women present. It was a weird experience, being there. I didn`t know where I should go or what I should do. All I ended up doing was walk up and down the 4 or 5 blocks that the village consists of and finally I entered a video store because it seemed like a safe alternative. Over the last 6 years my views on the village have changed. I used to love being in the village. I would only go out there and it was my favorite place to each and relax. I never missed a pride parade and until this year I marched with whatever group I was involved with. Now I feel tired of the village. Its overdone and boring. I walk down the street and really see the people who are there. Its become a circus that I don`t want to be a participate in. It has gotten old and it feels like a part of my life I no longer need.

Bunnies, it must be bunnies

2008-10-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Morning gentler readers. I`m trying to keep myself awake so that I sleep in tomorrow and in turn survive my shift until 3am. So here I sit, caught up in an atrocity. My arch nemesis, Katy Perry of fake lesbian fame, will be a doll by Christmas.
(see http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1595852/20080929/katy_perry.jhtml)
Frankly, its bad enough seeing and hearing her all over the TV and radio (yes people actually listen to the radio,) now children can collect a 12 inch version of her and they too can toy with bisexuality and/or lesbianism. My issue with Katy Perry is far from hidden. She promotes negative stereotypes for both gay and straight women. Her songs are everywhere with their catchy refrains that anyone will find themselves humming. Her lyrics are camouflaged in plain sight, you don't even know they`re singing something offensive.
I`m going to leave it at that for tonight, but tune in tomorrow for my take on Katy Perry part 2.

I was saying boo erns

2008-09-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

Early morning from the fish bowl. I`m feeling a little out of sorts tonight. I got a promotion that I am happy about but didnt get the promotion I was really wanting. I`ll be making an insane amount of money but not working the best scheule ever. You cant have it all right?
I poped over to Madame X`s moms obituary to see that her bride to be has left a message which is obviously because I left a message. I`m just feeling angry and I dont know why. Someone kick me!

Live as if you`ll die tomorrow, Love as if you`ll never die

2008-09-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

Greetings from the fish bowl gentle viewers. Its the early A.M here and I`m feeling in the mood to blog . Personally I have no idea what the idea of the post will be, I just feel like talking. I don`t feel like being angry, I don`t feel like yelling or throwing things... I just feel like me.
I am 5 weeks away from my vacation and saying I can`t wait would be the understatement of a lifetime. I`m saving all my cash, and if things go the way I hope, *My L* and I will be in the Dominican the whole first week of November. The last time I was on vacation was to celebrate leaving fast food and the beginning of my career at RBC. I wonder whether I`ll be celebrating a new position at work this time as well? I am looking forward to the sun, sand and a week away with *My L*. Nothing in the world is better then time with her.
I am feeling a bit tired these last few days. Last week I had strep throat and I personally don't feel like I`ve actually recovered. Its just been busy at work for 6 weeks and I am feeling the heat. I don't get any down time during my day and I feel like I have a ton of work to do (which I know I do.) I have so much I want to get done with my team, and it feels like I cant get anywhere. We`re either to busy to do anything or do tired to care. I`ve resorted to every trick I have, from camp, from Wendy's (but not from BK... thank god.) Tomorrow I`m gonna get up early and try and be at work at 11. I am going to instill the "appreciation board," from the good old days of camp massawippi. I want so badly for this team to do well. We are 7 people when other teams are 20, yet we are third place in our results. Things keep going this way, I`ll be on burn out. If I don't get the coach job I don't know what else I could possibly do...
I wonder how you are all doing tonight? I wonder who you are. I actually know a few of you and maybe some of you I don't. Its weird that there are people out there who know so much about me and I don't know you. How did you come across my little fish bowl?
Drop me a time sometime...

peace out!

WTF Mate

2008-09-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I know, so soon. This post is mostly out of anger and rage. Not anger at what I`ve done or *l* even. If you know me well enough, you know of my ex... "Madame X." I spent a nice chunk of 2 years and another one"ish" living with Madame X. Since I moved out I have only seen her 1 time, and that alone was a reminder of the evils and absurdities that Madame X wields. After we parted ways she started dating a girl online (who lives in Australia - of all the gold forsaken places) and despite having only had her visit the one time, will be marrying her in a month. Now, as you can imagine, this brings a plentifully mix of emotions. I feel relieved that she continues to be someone Else's problem. I feel betrayal, due to the fact that I do not feel she ever loved me, as this relationship is a carbon copy of the one I had with her, the difference being, I spent enough time with her to know she belonged in the loonie bin. And of course, despite not ever wanting her back, its always a stab to find out your ex is getting married, especially an ex you left.
Anyway, Madame X told me that her mother had cancer and had six months to live (a fact she publically announced on facebook.) I received an email Saturday that her mother had passed. Of course I sent my condolences to the family because I would never wish this pain on anyone. I have lost a pseudo parent and have stood by * L* when she lost her dad. I went to her facebook page today to see her status read, "Still planning the wedding, even if I`m half orphaned." Now, how can I put it nicely as to not sound like a bitch... WHAT THE FUCK?!?! My biggest problem with her was her constant "suicide" attempts when we would fight. (I`d like to thank her for helping me develop relationship wise. I am good at the yelling -also known as communicating- and at the need for distance -also under communicating- but when it comes to problem resolution all I remember is sobbing and butter knives... thanks Madame X) She is obsessed with attention and the need to have the world know her business.
I saw her mother`s online obituary and where it says who she left behind it has Madame X`s name with the miserable-wife-to-be`s name in brackets. This made me jaw hit the keyboard and me lay an egg. May I reiterate the triumphant point that they, Madame X and our dearly departed Aussie, have only met once, for less then 2 weeks. I really dont`t care about Madame X, I feel bad for this poor chica, who will have spent thousands to come to our beautiful country... FOR A PSYCHO!!!! I know Madame X has not helped out the Kangaroo financially because she is a money vampire. So she`ll be broke, homeless and marries to Attila the Hun. Wow, do I feel bad for her.
I`m sorry she lost her mother. I feel for her brother and her step father. I would feel for her, and I did for a short time, until I realized that for her this is nothing more then an attention grabber. This sickens me and makes me think even less of her then I already did.
I appreciate your patience this evening gentle readers. I would also like so say to those "gentle readers" who I never knew I had, a hello from the fish bowl. Please comment if you like. I`d love to hear what you think. Please done by shy.

Peace out!!

i can be a nightmare of the greatest kind....

2008-09-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

Evening gentle viewers. After 3 days of fever and delirium I seems to be finally beating my strep throat. You may all give a sigh of relief that I am well and no longer contagious. I have been forced to take 2 days off work, and since I did not leave my couch, I have much wisdom to share. Things have have learned, things that are not new to me, some of which I found on youtube. Sit back and enjoy: (tune in soon for my real posts)

An open letter to my love: If I could say it better I would...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oao58LsKn64

something mushy and sweet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9K6WWswziE

Julie Goldman and Kate Mckinnon... pure genius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WE6UtcJtqE4&feature=PlayList&p=1D7901B0BC39F807&index=10

Cats will one day rule the world
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s13dLaTIHSg

What i learn... (by the way half the clips of riots were taped in quebec)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq72cry-178

cutest cat ever (sorry spike and xander)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFYtHPp1c9c

okay, I`ll be good... my brains will return by tomorrow. I promise...

Boy meets universe

2008-09-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Evening all,
I`ve been obsessed with a show I used to watch called "Boy Meets World." It used to by part of the TGIF (thank god its Friday) line up on ABC. I watched it as a teenager and forgot how much is missed it. Thankfully, youtubers have posted pretty much every episode ever made. In looking at my life of late I`ve felt more drawn to certain story lines. And in turn have felt the need to post a few of my fav clips here in blog heaven.
My favorite story line in the whole series. It was a two parter, the main couple (cory and topanga) were together on and off for the whole series. In this episode, Topanga`s parents had mover her away to Pittsburgh. Cory, is heart broken without topanga and is torn because she hasn't called or written him. The episode gets good around the 7 min mark and continues into the next link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mddTxNwrTtg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NT5NQBOtMEY&feature=related (this one is great until min 5:00)

and one of the funniest clips ever http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvJTHpfmEoA (and you`ll call me Don fransico?).. priceless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aS65jYRbgk&feature=related (no tushie, no brushie)

and I leave you with the Feeny call. Eric used it all throughout the show... awesome http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-BB-Xk9xYY&feature=related

night all

you can keep your hat on

2008-09-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Evening gentle viewers from the fist bowl. Its overtime here at the bank and I would give my right arm to be anywhere but here. Its been an odd weekend and I feel like road kill. I did somethings what I am less then proud of.
Saturday night I was in Quebec city and I made the mistake of drinking too much. It all got out of hand so quickly. I wasnt even drinking long, an hour maybe. It was my stupidity, I was tired and hadnt eaten much. The only thing that I did good was that I told a new friend that I need to go home (my hotel.) (On a side note, its odd how people you just met can be better friends to you then people who have been in your life a while.) I was really sick, stupidly sick in fact. I know bad things could have happened to me. I was aware of that from the point when things started spinning. That's when I sought out Edith (who now has the award for best person ever) who took very good care of me.
Its hard to deal with. *My L* got really upset and I don't blame her, but I am upset as well with her. I would have been worried about her too if our places have been exchanged. But on the other hand, if she really looked at me and told me she realized it was a mistake, one mistake that I have no plans to ever repeat and flat out that she realized the grave error, I would have forgiven her at the drop of a hat. But sadly, this isn't the way things turned out. Its hard because I feel like I am the reason for all of our problems. I don't know where to go now. I have no plan of ever drinking like that again, actually right now I don't plan on ever drinking again. I just wish I could not fuck up. I try really hard but the minute I let my guard drop I do something stupid. I don't know what I can possibly say to convince her that I am reliable. I just feel like a fuck up all the time. I don't deserve her...

Quebec take deux

2008-08-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

A quick note to state to you all that Billy King will be performing in Quebec City for their pride. I`ll be doing 3 brand new numbers (have to see it to believe it!) Check in next week for all the details.

http://www.magazinesapho.org/partydefilles.php

Billy King

trust is a dish best served cold

2008-08-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

well its been a big week. Pride had come and gone. Friday night we all got our gay on drinking well into the morning. Its been a long time since I have drank that much and just chilled out during pride time. Sunday, of course, was the parade and I have to say, I`ve seen better. Literally, since there was 15 people piled in front of us. But afterwords we drank and partied, frankly what more do you need.
Today was my one year anniversary out of Wendy's. It seems like so much has happened. I survived BK hell. Went to Cuba si and now work in a awesome job where people only hell at me 2 or 3 time a day. So frankly I see it as a success.
So what did you do for pride? What did you think of Celebration LGBTA? Why does buttered toast always fall butter side down?

Pensive

2008-07-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

I had a long walk tonight that gave me the option to think. To think about life and the people in it. It was a time for some self reflection and examination. Do you want to know what my most prominent thought was....

how much I could totally getting eaten by zombies... wtf?

Happy Pride

2008-07-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

Evening from the fish bowl. Another invigorating day at the office has almost come to an end. Almost "hump" day, frankly my most pitifully day. I can't help but look forward to the end of the week and the hope of a sunny weekend.

Divers/Cite has just begun and I am feeling mixed emotions. Up until this year I have been the queen of pride and all the celebrations included in that. I march, I sing, honestly I couldn`t get more gay around pride time. This year though, not so much. I think divers/cite is a waste of time and couldn`t really be bothered. I`m not even marching this year as I have decided to take the high road and drink till I can`t walk straight.

Pride this year, as with every year, marks my anniversary of coming out. August 3, 2008 will make my 6 years of being out and proud. I remember celebrating this day being a big deal for me. It was a re-affirmation of my sexuality! It meant taking back my rights and my freedom to be proud about who I was. To me, it was a change to be really "out" for a few days a year. I don`t feel like I need that anymore. I don`t think I could get more out in my every day life then I already am. My sexuality doesn`t rule me, I`m me, my sexuality doesn`t define who Cory is. Yes, I`m still proud of it, but screaming it down St-Catherine street isn`t necessary anymore.

So here's my question so any of you reading this: Do you celebrate your coming out? Do people even come out anymore? Let me know.

mercy me

2008-07-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

I`ve tried to write this last blog entry a few times now. Its been busy and things have been on the up and down. I feel like I have so much to say that nothing wants to come out. I think that has something to do with my migraines. My head is so full that I cant seem to think and the pressure is almost nauseating. Sunday I hurt so much my eyes watered and couldn't take the light. I feel more and more stressed to the point where I feel like I`m falling into a hole. I have been feeling overwhelmed. (you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed, but can you just me whelmed?)
I feel out of control and out of my mind and there isn't much I seem to be able to do. I don't feel like I am fitting anywhere and I feel more alone then I have ever felt. I`m feeling more lonely then I have ever felt. The worst part is I don't really want people around other then a select few. I`m always tired and cant remember the last time I slept well.
Fuck I feel like a piece of crap! I'm sorry people. You should disregard this whole message. I`m giving you all a get out of jail free card, go on take it. I`ll be better next time, I promise...

Stone Butch Blues

2008-07-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

It is another slow day within the walls of visa. Its Canada Day and I`m working in a nearly empty call center. I spent the evening in the village with some 3 friends, one love and lots of beer. I walked up and down the now closed streets before dinner and generally people watched until it was time for dinner. The village has so many faces and so many styles. I used to go to the viallge and see people who dont look at all like me. I used to feel like I was the only butch, the only masculine lesbian in the city. Slowly I`m seeing peeople who are butches, who could easily be misidentified as a man.
It all made me think of stone butch blues. It made me think about Jess and the old bulls. It made me think about what makes an old bull? Or a butch, baby dyke or clone? Anyone who knows me, knows I love to make fun of the clones and the cougars.

I have personally defined clones as those 18 to 24 year old girls who wear billabong, element and quicksilver exclusively. They can also be defined by the matching belt, shoes and hat (either baseball or toque depending on the weather.)
Cougars are far more scary but not all that stealthy in their poodle shirts. They are easily spotted as they always travel in pairs. They stalk their pray without much grace and wear mismatch clothing, with little regard for style.
I don`t know if I really know any old bulls. Most of the older dyke's I meet are cougars and frankly I don't stick around too long around them. I wish there were older dyke's we can look up to. I miss seeing a dyke in a suit or wearing a Fedora. I want to see "the nod" when I walk down the street and know that someone else has walked this road. I want to feel like i`m a part of something bigger then little old me. I love being a dyke and a king, I wouldn't trade that for the world...

Vive les DragKIng libre

2008-06-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Afternoon all. I`m newly back from Quebec city and in a very major need of more sleep. Quebec city was amazing despite having a difficult time with the stage crew and generally every employee was there to see us fail. It was a very a difficult one but we pulled it off. Sunday was a great day of site seeing in semi warm weather. Its nice to be home but I miss having the car and being away from all the city stresses.
Life is always special and I`m feeling good and happy right now. If only I could get my ass to the gym I`d be happier. I`ve spent 2 weeks training the newest training bay here at work (I`ve named them my littleins) and I loved every minute. They are a fun bunch of kids and it felt good to be making a difference.
Things feel good... watch out world.

Lesbros Forever

2008-05-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

Its another fun day in the life of a visa customer service agent. Its been a busy few weeks since we last ranted. I got my king on a week ago and Billy King came out of retirement. It was a crazy weekend and I got my first taste of both performing and being the master of ceremonies. It was an amazing experience and I loved every minute of it. I performed Pierre Lalondes version of Caroline and finally got to break Creep out of the box. It was one of the hardest numbers I have ever performed. It shook the center of me and I felt as if I was going to break in half. I don't remember any of it, and was unbelievably shaken when I left the stage. Everything is a blank from the time the music started until I was standing on the platform behind the curtain, faced with Nat. I couldn't move, I didn't even know what to say.
That night has changed things. I haven't worn a real suit to work and I`ve kind of been distancing myself from Billy. I had to write "his" bio for the website and I could barely find the words. Its weird... I cant figure out whether Billy has become so much a part of me that I don't see where he ends or whether I have become someone very different, leaving Billy behind. My suits were just work clothes for so long that now wearing them almost feels like performing. Work is an escape for me, I don't need to perform there.
But that is for another day... I bid you a good night gentle readers. Sleep well, be safe, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I leave you with a link to Billy's Bio:
http://www.dukesofdrag.com/b/the-dukes-of-drag/billy-king/

"Fear is what you pay for adventure"

Kappa Kappa Eat My Pie

2008-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

This is an open letter the universe:

Dearest Universe,
You fucking suck! I originally wanted to call you a big stupid head but thought the latter was a stronger way to get your attention. Now, back to you sucking. You make me believe everything is okay. You wait until I`m happy and I don`t see you coming. You wait until I expect that my life is changing and that for once I`m coming out the winner. Then you sit back, grab an ice cold beer, and make me suffer. And it amuses you. In fact, it amuses your friends and family that you invite over to watch me in pain. First you gave her doubts, which made her distant. Then you made her cheat but I fucked you over cause I forgave her. Then you convinced her to break up with me but kept the love there so I couldn't live without her. And last but not least you took her away so I would love her more then anything but not have her to touch or kiss. Thanks a lot fucktard! Its appreciated. What more would you like. I`m alone, miserable and seriously in need of hitting something. Every little joy I have concerning her, you take away. You won`t be happy until I hate her and am totally alone. Then you`ll let me think I have some self worth, slowly so I don`t get too cocky, maybe give her back to me and start the waiting game all over again.
So here`s what I am going to do. I`m not giving up on her. I`m going to fight. I`m not throwing in the towel and I`m going to get her back. So fucking you, you bastard. This is war and I`m going to win. You couldn't`t possibly do more to me then you already have. Bring it on!

Sincerely,

Cory

p.s kiss my ass

When I was a boy...

2008-04-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

I`m taking advantage of a slow day here at visa to bring you our regularly scheduled programing of boi fun. I know you all love me, face it, I`m irresistible.
So I am sitting here, well dressed, because when I feel like crap I dress well. So seeing me in a suit and tie is indicative of me not sleeping well or having had a a fight with *My Love.* Now you know a little bit more about my weird twisted self, now you`ll sleep better.
I feel like shit. But I dont feel the need to rant to you today. (please stop cheering.) I dont know really what to say today. I don't feel like doing anything, let alone selling cards and services to people who just want their balance. I`m a customer service agent. I`m here to smile and help. And as fate would have it I have no desire to help.
So if you see me walking down the street, give me a hug or a pat on the back. I dont get either of them and wouldn't mind the appreciation.
Peace out!

Billy

American Idol sucks...

2008-04-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

Its a quiet Wednesday night and I have nothing to do but subject myself to American idol. Nothing seems right anymore. The apartment is empty, nothing smells, tastes or feels right to me. I don't care about the dishes or even remotely making this place livable. All I do is live in a haze and try and make it to the next day where I can work and forget everything out of my 8x10 box. I don't want to come home. I don't want to eat. She is all I think about, she is my everything and I wont feel whole again until she is back in my arms again. I miss you baby...

Well arent we a dumbass

2008-03-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my first night in my own apartment. I cant bring myself to go to sleep yet. Its quiet and lonely here and I`m not quite sure what to do with myself. Its cold and dark and I feel lost. I have my cats here, equally confused by the situation.
I don't know what to do anymore. I`m torn and confused and frankly just want a drink. I just want to hide under a rock. Oddly enough I wish someone would just take care of me right now. Wrap themselves around me and for those few minutes let me believe that life was ok...

Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt... then its hilarious

2008-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Afternoon gentle readers. I intended to rant today and spent days formulating an angry post about this weekends events. Now sitting here in my newly cleaned kitchen, being stalked by angry and confused kitties, I do not seem to have the heart for hatred.
*My Love* is in the living room packing her things. Which, despite the fact that I know this move will be good for her, is difficult. I did not act myself Friday when first faced with her apartment. In fact I was downright mean. I know that I wouldn't like any place she chose to live and lashed out at her over this. Of course this lead to a full day of fighting and treating one another like shit. We were both mean and said things that took a mountain of apologizing to work out afterwords.
I spent Saturday helping her paint, knowing that if I didn't help then she would be alone to deal, which is not my style. I did my best and behaved knowing that one more outburst would seal our fate forever. And knowing that this is the last weekend we have together made me realize what I could loose if I acted immaturely.
Again, sitting here, watching the boxes pile up does not make me a much happier person. In fact I am regretting finishing off the beer yesterday. I know next weekend will be even harder and am not in any place, both physically or mentally, to face it. I am definitely worried about where I am going to go. I know my dark side (or "all Emo" lol) and I am kinda freaked out. I don't want to act the way I have in the past. My biggest enemy is feeling like I have no control. That is the key to my life: control. There are every few situations where I let myself lose control or even give that control away to anyone. I have to have a lot of trust in someone to do that.
I just don't know where to go anymore. I feel like I cant be happy because everytime I step back and say, "wow things are awesome," BANG! A lightening bolt crashes down from the heavens and I get knocked back down a few pegs. Needless to say, I don't like that so much. Let me rephrase that, it fucking sucks! Damn I need a drink.
I am truly sorry for you, my gentle readers, having to sit through this insanity. And let me assure you that I will eventually see a therapist instead of dumping all my craziness on you poor saps... I mean Friends. :) Things will have to look up soon because I don't have the money to drink myself silly on a nightly basis and if I do have that option I will be too drunk to type anyway. See its looking up for you...

I`m a creep, I`m a looser

2008-03-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Ever listen to a song and think, "wow they wrote this about me?!?" well thats how I feel. I`m feeling like shit this weekend. I thought I was okay with letting life just happen but it seems the minute I take my hands of the controls, life slams me into a brick wall instead of taking a right turn. My weekend started out so promising. And so easily it went up in flames. I just wanted to forget the world right now. I am actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and forgetting everything else. I find myself falling on old habits of dealing with life and I dont think my body, especially my liver, is very hapy about it.
Life is spinning and I dont seem dont seem to be able to hold on. Change is scary and I dont know if I`m ready for it.

*But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpblnsJEWM

its been a long time

2008-02-27T19:59:00.000-08:00

Well gentle readers its been a long time. And I bet you are thinking, "who the hell is this guy?" Life has been crazy. After 6 years in fast food hell I finally left. Despite my unhappiness in fast food I went kicking and screaming. Now I work for RBC in there visa call center. Calm down now, I dont call when you dont pay. I am the poor sap you yell at when you dont understand interest. So, here I am, 5 weeks into my training and actually loving every minute of it.

Life is what you make of it. I`ve decided that my life has been too planned and the best things that have happened have hit me like a mack truck. Its all in what you send out to the universe. I have had some amazing things pop out of not expecting anything. The people you meet, the experiences you have are that much more intense when you dont see it coming.

As for gender, the jury is still out on that one. I have gotten to bring Billy out a few times and I realized I missed him. I missed putting him together piece by piece. The tie, the vest, the hat... all these pieces that make him Billy. I also get a kick out of how other people react to him. How the girls cream for him and the guys admire him. Thats the life.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

2007-12-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

Thats what my interviewer for a job at TD asked me. All I could think of was "holy fuck! what am I going to say." I honestly told her if you asked that same question 5 years ago I doubt I would have said where I was today. So much came rushing into my mind. Where will I be in 5 years. Where do I want to be? I`m not a 100% sure I am ready to know.
I finished Stone Butch Blues again. I think I read it for a second time trying to find answers to life within its pages. All I was left in the end was a need to crawl under a rock and wait the world out. I have diffenetly come to the conclusion that I consider myself trans and 100% gender queer. I just wish I knew what that meant to me.

At the begining

2007-11-26T17:36:00.000-08:00

Well here we are. Here I am. But who am I? This is my first post. I`m not sure where it will go anymore then I know where my life is going. I`m faced with difficult choices and a difficult path ahead. The problem is I don`t even know what I want.
Perhaps I should explain. See I`m a drag king. I`ve always wanted to be one. Always wanted to get up on stage in a 3 piece suit and make the girls scream. And I did. You don`t understand what a rush all of it is. I am swave, handsome and know what to say. I can dance and pick up any girl in the place. Now comes the hard part. I`m slowly coming to the realization that I am not happy in my body. I hate my breasts. I hate how I feel in this body. But do I feel like a man? I don`t think so. But what am I? That my friend is the big question.